REVIEW: AUSTIN POWERS IN GOLDMEMBER

CAST

Mike Myers (Shrek)
Beyonce Knowles (Dreamgirls)
Michael York (Logan’s Run)
Robert Wagner (Two and a Half Men)
Michael Caine (Batman Begins)
Rob Lowe (The West Wing)
Seth Green (Family Guy)
Verne Troyer (The Love Guru)
Heather Graham (From Hell)
Mindy Sterling (Minions)
Fred Savage (The Wonder Years)
Clint Howard (Apollo 13)
Masi Oka (Heroes)
Brian Tee (Jurassic World)
Fred Stoller (Little Man)
Greg Grunberg (Alias)
Rachel Roberts (Flashforward)
Nathan Lane (The Birdcage)
Kristen Johnston (3rd Rock From the Sun)
Tom Cruise (Legend)
Danny DeVito (Batman Returns)
Gwyneth Paltrow (Iron Man)
Kevin Spacey (American Beauty)
Britney Spears (Crossroads)
Tommy Lister (The Dark Knight)
Nichole Hiltz (Smallville)
John Travolta (The Punisher)
Kevin Spacey (Superman Returns)

 

In his new headquarters behind the famous Hollywood sign, Dr. Evil plans to travel back in time to 1975 and bring back Johan van der Smut, aka “Goldmember”, who developed a cold fusion unit for a tractor beam which Dr. Evil names “Preparation H”. He intends to use the tractor beam to pull a meteor into the Earth, striking the polar ice caps and causing a global flood. Moments after this plan is revealed, Austin Powers and the British Secret Service attack the base and arrest Dr. Evil. Austin is knighted for his services, but is disappointed when his father, the famous super-spy Nigel Powers, does not attend the event. Basil Exposition later informs Austin that Nigel has been kidnapped, and the only clue is that the crew of his yacht have had their genitalia painted gold.Austin visits the imprisoned Dr. Evil, who tells him that Goldmember is behind the abduction. Time-travelling to 1975, Austin infiltrates Goldmember’s roller disco club and is reunited with his former lover, FBI agent Foxxy Cleopatra, who is undercover as a disco singer. With Foxxy’s help, Austin locates his father, but is unable to rescue him. Goldmember takes Nigel through Dr. Evil’s time machine into the present day. Foxxy wants revenge on Goldmember for murdering her partner, and accompanies Austin in his pursuit. In the present, Dr. Evil and Mini-Me instigate a riot in their prison, allowing them to escape. A British Intelligence mole named Number 3 informs Austin that Dr. Evil has moved to a new lair near Tokyo. Austin and Foxxy travel to Tokyo and confront Fat Bastard, who is now a sumo wrestler, but still does work for Dr. Evil. Fat Bastard explains that a Japanese business man, Mr. Roboto, is working on a device for Dr. Evil and Goldmember.Austin and Foxxy later meet with Mr. Roboto, who pleads ignorance about Nigel’s whereabouts. Unconvinced, Austin and Foxxy infiltrate Roboto’s factory where the command unit for the tractor beam is being loaded in Goldmember’s car, and Roboto hands Goldmember a golden key needed to activate the beam. Foxxy confronts Goldmember while Austin attempts to free Nigel, but Goldmember escapes with the command unit and flees to Dr. Evil’s submarine. Unable to settle their differences, Nigel and Austin part ways when they disagree on how to deal with the situation. Meanwhile, Dr. Evil’s son, Scott Evil, has become increasingly evil in an attempt to prove himself to his father, to the point that he too is going bald. Scott presents his father with sharks with laser beams attached to their heads, a request that had gone unfulfilled in the first film. Dr. Evil replaces Mini-Me with Scott as his favored son; the rejected Mini-Me defects and joins Austin.Austin, Foxxy and Mini-Me (now a miniature version of Austin) infiltrate the submarine, but Austin is captured. Dr. Evil prepares to activate the tractor beam, but Foxxy has stolen the key and frees Austin. Austin prepares to shoot Dr. Evil, when Nigel appears and reveals Dr. Evil and Austin are brothers, separated when they were toddlers when an assassination attempt killed their mother, and Dr. Evil was found and raised by Belgians. Dr. Evil and Austin embrace, enraging Scott, who flees to pursue his own vengeance, whilst Goldmember commandeers the tractor beam’s controls, unzipping his pants to reveal his gold-covered genitals to be a spare key. Goldmember activates the tractor beam, but Austin and Dr. Evil work together to reverse its polarity, destroying the meteor and saving the world. The heroes arrest Goldmember, who turns to the camera to reveal the entire string of events was adapted into a film by Steven Spielberg, starring Tom Cruise as Austin, Kevin Spacey as Dr. Evil, Danny DeVito as Mini-Me, and John Travolta as Goldmember. Austin, Foxxy, Dr. Evil, Mini-Me and Nigel are in the audience of a Hollywood theater watching the film. Upon exiting the theater they run into Fat Bastard, now thinner but flabby, thanks to the Subway diet. As Austin and Foxxy kiss, in Dr. Evil’s Hollywood lair, Scott – now completely bald, dressed like and laughing in a manner similar to his father — declares he will get his revenge on Austin and begins dancing like Michael Jackson.The third is fantastic… funny, disgusting, clever and uplifting! Mini-Me and Fat Bastard are back with even better gags and the usual crude humour from the latter!!! But Mike Myers has triumphed in adding the hilarious dutch roller skating villain “Goldmember!” And the casting of Michael Cane as Nigel Powers, Austins father… or farja if you’re Goldmember… is excellent!

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REVIEW: AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME

CAST

Mike Myers (Shrek)
Heather Graham (From Hell)
Michael York (Logan’s Run)
Robert Wagner (Two and a Half Men)
Rob Lowe (The West Wing)
Mindy Sterling (Minions)
Seth Green (Family Guy)
Verne Troyer (The Love Guru)
Elizabeth Hurley (Bedazzled)
Gia Carides (Bliss)
Will Ferrell (Elf)
Oliver Muirhead (The Duke)
Clint Howard (Apollo 13)
Kristen Johnston (3rd Rock From the Sun)
Elvis Costello (Two and a Half Men)
Jerry Springer (The Ringmaster)
Rebecca Romijn (X-Men)
Woody Harrelson (The Hunger Games)
Tim Robbins (The Green Lantern)
George Cheung (Dark Angel)
Muse Watson (Prison Break)
David Koechner (Anchorman)
Jane Carr (The Five Year Engagement)
Kevin Durand (Dark Angel)
Jennifer Coolidge (2 Broke Girls)
Fred Willard (Anchorman)
Tony Jay (Lois & Clark)

Austin Powers is enjoying his honeymoon with his wife, the former Vanessa Kensington. She turns out to be one of Dr. Evil’s fembots, who attempts to kill Austin, then self-destructs. Austin grieves briefly, then suddenly realizes that he is single again, which he celebrates by streaking through the hotel. A NATO monitoring facility observes the return of Dr. Evil, confronting his son Scott, and then starting a riot, on The Jerry Springer Show, and informs British intelligence. At Dr. Evil’s Seattle headquarters, Dr. Evil is presented with a one-eighth-size clone of himself whom he calls Mini-Me.Dr. Evil unveils his latest evil plan: he has developed a time machine to go back to the 1960s and steal Austin’s mojo, the source of Austin’s sexual appeal. Dr. Evil and Mini-Me go back to 1969 and meet a younger Number Two and Frau Farbissina. An obese “Scottish Guard” called Fat Bastard extracts Austin’s mojo from his frozen body at the Ministry of Defence Cryo Chamber. British intelligence warns Austin that one of Dr. Evil’s agents is after him, and during a photo shoot the wanton Ivana Humpalot seduces him, but at the last moment she claims he is too sexy for her to kill him. They have sex in his bed, but do not get far before he discovers that he has lost his mojo and is impotent.The MOD sends Austin back to 1969 with its own time travel device, a convertible Volkswagen New Beetle. Austin arrives at a party in his London pad and with the assistance of a CIA agent, Felicity Shagwell, escapes an assassination attempt by two of Dr. Evil’s operatives. Austin and Felicity are pursued by Mustafa, another of Dr. Evil’s henchmen; when caught he reveals the existence of Dr. Evil’s secret volcano lair. Before he can divulge its location, Mini-Me shoots him in the neck with a dart, causing him to fall off a cliff.After examining photographs from the crime scene at MOD headquarters, Austin identifies Fat Bastard as the perpetrator of the theft of his mojo. At Dr. Evil’s lair, Fat Bastard arrives with Austin’s mojo. Dr. Evil drinks some of it and has sex with Frau Farbissina. This results in an awkward situation when Frau reveals that she is pregnant. At the same moment Scott, Dr. Evil’s son, arrives through the time portal. Dr. Evil announces his latest plan — to hold the world ransom by threatening to destroy major cities each hour, using a giant laser on the Moon. In London, Austin and Felicity get to know each other, but when Felicity tries to have sex with Austin, he turns her down because of his lost mojo.Under MOD instructions to implant a homing device into Fat Bastard, Felicity seduces him, allowing her to plant it in his anus. Fat Bastard forces it out of his bowels into a Paddington Station toilet, but a stool sample from the scene is analyzed to reveal traces of a vegetable that only grows on one Caribbean island. Austin and Felicity arrive on the island, but are apprehended. They are put in a cell with a guard who is overcome when Felicity exposes her breasts. Dr. Evil and Mini-Me leave for the Moon to install the giant laser and are followed by Austin and Felicity, who hitch a ride on Apollo 11. In Dr. Evil’s moon base, Austin battles with Mini-Me, eventually flushing him into space. As Austin confronts Dr. Evil, Dr. Evil gives him a choice: Save the world or Felicity, who is locked in a chamber with poison gas.Felicity tells Austin to save the world and he succeeds in doing so by kicking Frau, diverting the laser and saving Washington D.C. Felicity is killed by the poison gas. Austin chases Dr. Evil and shoots him in the leg. Before Austin can kill him, Dr. Evil tells him he could use the time machine to save Felicity and the world. Austin travels ten minutes into the past, meeting up with himself and saving both the world and Felicity. Dr. Evil initiates the self-destruct mechanism of the moon base and escapes in his rocket after throwing Austin’s mojo into the air. Both Austins fail to catch it and it crashes on the floor and is destroyed. Felicity points out that all the things Austin has done show that he never lost his mojo. They escape through the time portal to 1999. At Austin’s Pad, Fat Bastard makes another attempt to assassinate Austin, but Felicity disarms him. Felicity and Austin then throw a party. Dr. Evil recovers Mini-Me from space and vows to “get” Austin. On Jerry Springer, Scott learns he was not created in a test tube, but is the love child of Dr. Evil and Frau Farbissina. Austin returns to his pad, only to discover Felicity with the past Austin, who claims that since he and Austin are the same person, it is not cheating.Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me’ is – amazingly – even funnier than the first film. It’s even more daft, even more crude and just simply great fun to watch.

REVIEW: HARD CASH

CAST

Christian Slater (Mindhunters)
Val Kilmer (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang)
Sara Downing (Roswell)
Vincent Laresca (K-Pax)
Balthazar Getty (Alias)
Bokeem Woodbine (Total Recall)
Daryl Hannah (A Walk To Remember)
Rodney Rowland (Veronica Mars)
Peter Woodward (Crusdade)
William Forsythe (The Rock)
Verne Troyer (The Love Guru)
Peter Jason (Adaptation.)

Hard-Cash-DIFresh out of prison, Thomas Taylor (Christian Slater) assembles a team of outlaws to pull off his most brilliant heist yet. Alas, the stolen money is marked, enabling FBI agent Mark Cornell (Val Kilmer) to swiftly track down Taylor & Co. But the corrupt agent is not interested in making an arrest: Using his knowledge of Taylor’s guilt as leverage, the wily agent coerces the crooks into engineering an even bigger robbery, this time targeting a high-profile riverboat casino.49hg3L9coXvukrV2OKiKHHLuNjrI went into this movie not expecting it to be great. Actually, I was expecting it be horrible, based on the all the reviews I had read. But I actually had a lot of fun with this. The movie keeps you in suspense, with good action scenes and mediocre car chases.

 

REVIEW: MEN IN BLACK

CAST

Will Smith (Suicide Squad)
Tommy Lee Jones (Batman Forever)
Linda Fiorentino (Dogma)
Vincent D’Onofrio (Jurassic World)
Rip Torn (Robocop 3)
Tony Shalhoub (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
Siobhan Fallon Hogan (Forrest Gump)
Mike Nussbaum (Field of Dreams)
Jon Gries (Get Shorty)
Sergio Calderón (Pure Luck)
Carel Struycken (The Addams Family)
Fredric Lehne (lost)
David Cross (Scary Movie 2)
Sean Whalen (Superstore)
Verne Troyer (Austin Powers)
Danny DeVito (Batman Returns)

Alien refugees live in secret on Earth, disguised as humans. Men in Black is a secret agency that polices these aliens, protects the Earth from intergalactic threats and uses memory-erasing neuralyzers to keep alien activity a secret from the public. Men in Black agents have all traces of their former identities erased and retired agents are neuralyzed and given new identities.NYPD officer James Darrell Edwards III pursues a supernaturally fast and agile suspect in New York City. Men in Black agent K interviews James about his encounter, then neuralyzes him and leaves him a business card with an address. Edwards goes to the address and undergoes a series of tests, for which he finds unusual solutions. While the other candidates are neuralyzed, K offers Edwards a position with the Men in Black. Edwards accepts and his identity is erased, becoming Agent J, the newest Men in Black recruit.In upstate New York, an alien crash-lands and kills a farmer named Edgar to use his skin as a disguise. The alien goes into a New York restaurant and kills two aliens disguised as humans. He steals from them a container, searching for something, but finds only diamonds inside. After investigating the crash landing at the farm, K concludes that Edgar’s skin was taken by a “bug”, a species of aggressive cockroach-like aliens. He and J head to a morgue to examine the bodies the bug killed. Inside one body they discover a dying Arquillian alien, who says that “the galaxy is on Orion’s belt”. The alien, who used the name Rosenberg, was a member of the Arquillian royal family. K fears his death may spark war.Men in Black informant Frank the Pug, an alien disguised as a dog, explains that the missing galaxy is a massive energy source housed in a small jewel. J deduces that the galaxy is hanging on the collar of Rosenberg’s cat Orion, which refuses to leave the body at the morgue. J and K arrive just as the bug takes the galaxy and kidnaps the coroner, Laurel Weaver. The Arquillians deliver an ultimatum to Men in Black: return the galaxy within a “galactic standard week”, or an hour of Earth time, or they will destroy Earth.The bug arrives at the observation towers of the New York State Pavilion at Flushing Meadows, which disguise two flying saucers, where Laurel escapes its clutches. It escapes on one saucer, but K and J shoot it down. The bug sheds Edgar’s skin and swallows J and K’s guns. K provokes it until he too is swallowed. The bug tries to escape on the other ship, but J slows it down by taunting it and crushing cockroaches, angering it. K blows the bug apart from the inside, having found his gun inside its stomach. J and K recover the galaxy and are about to be attacked by the bug again but Laurel shoots it with J’s gun. At Men in Black headquarters, K tells J that he has not been training him as a partner but a replacement. K bids J farewell before he neuralyzes him at his request; K returns to his civilian life and Laurel becomes J’s new partner, L.Men in Black is a fast-paced action-comedy that over-achieves the whole way. Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith make an amazing comedy team as the title characters who protect the Earth from the scum of the universe. Everything is tongue-in-cheek and the whole film works in a really great way. A great film that benefits from its characters and amazing special effects. .

REVIEW: KEITH LEMON: THE FILM

CAST

Leigh Francis  (Bo’ Selecta)
Verne Troyer (Austin Powers 2/3)
Kevin Bishop (The Big Finish)
Laura Aikman (Jam)
Kelly Brook (Three)
Conleth Hill  (Game of Thrones)
Harish Patel (Run Fatboy Run)
Nina Wadia (Bend It Like Beckham)
Paddy McGuinness (Phoenix Nights)
David Hasselhoff (Knight Rider)
Holly Willoughby (Celebrity Juice)

do-not-reuse-pic-a-scene-from-the-film-keith-lemon-the-film-image-3-248057351

Keith Lemon (Leigh Francis) is an aspiring business entrepreneur from Leeds, who is trying to secure investment for his invention, the Securipole (a metal pole put in the driveway to prevent car theft). He travels to London to present the Securipole at an inventor’s convention, putting his friend Dougie (Kevin Bishop) in charge of his business while he is away. Keith’s girlfriend Rosie (Laura Aikman) advises that he should start the Securipole business slowly and try to sell some poles in Leeds first, but Keith is too eager for the Securipole to be an overnight success and ignores her.landscape_movies_keith_lemon_the_film_15At the convention, Keith’s demonstration of the Securipole fails to attract investors and leaves the public underwhelmed. Keith is devastated by his failure, but is approached by another entrepreneur named Kushvinder (Harish Patel), who offers to give him rights to his own unsuccessful invention, a touch-screen mobile phone without buttons, which Keith reluctantly accepts. In Leeds, a shipment of one million Securipoles arrives at Keith’s office, to Rosie and Dougie’s dismay. Before going to London, Keith had ordered the Securipoles (his dyscalculia leading him to believe that he had only ordered one thousand), from a benefactor named Evil Steve (Leigh Francis), who is notorious for torturing and even killing clients who fail to pay him. Rosie and Dougie are unable to pay for the poles or contact Keith, so Evil Steve kidnaps Rosie. Before she is taken away, she orders Dougie to travel to London and find Keith.maxresdefaultAfter Keith is attacked by a group of muggers, a talking satellite navigation app on Kushvinder’s phone leads him to the office of Archimedes (Verne Troyer), an advice guru who tries to solve the problems of those in need. Archimedes hears out Keith’s plight and manages to get him an appearance on a television chat show hosted by David Hasselhoff (playing an exaggerated version of himself). On the show, Keith tries to promote Kushvinder’s phone, but the audience is uninterested. Thinking quickly, he sticks a lemon-shaped sweet on the phone, making it look like it has a lemon on the cover, which immediately impresses the audience. The “Lemon Phone” becomes an overnight success, and Keith is instantly propelled into the life he has always wanted. He becomes a household name, earns billions of pounds from the Lemon Phone, and starts dating Kelly Brook (playing an exaggerated version of herself) who, unbeknownst to Keith, is only dating him so she can divorce him and take his money later. Despite Archimedes’ advice however, Keith prefers his new celebrity lifestyle and decides not to return to Leeds, the Securipole business or Rosie.maxresdefaultKeith hosts a toga party at a luxury venue, but during the party he is confronted by Dougie, who tells him Evil Steve has kidnapped Rosie and is going to kill her unless he pays for the Securipoles. Refusing to listen and no longer caring about what he left behind in Leeds, Keith dismisses Dougie and throws him out. This angers Archimedes, who also leaves. Going back to Leeds, Dougie decides to rescue Rosie himself, dressing up as Rambo and storming into Evil Steve’s warehouse lair, but his plan fails when he accidentally knocks himself out on a metal bar. Back at the party, as Keith and Kelly take to the stage to sing together, the Lemon Phone is suddenly revealed to have a major technical fault that causes the owner’s mouth to sag, giving them a speech impediment. The mouths of everyone who was using the phone immediately sag, including those of Kelly and some of Keith’s celebrity friends. Outraged, the crowd at the party turn on Keith and chase him on to the roof of the building. Realising the error of his ways, Keith finds Archimedes and begs for forgiveness, but Kelly and the angry mob force him over the balcony. As he falls to the ground, he is saved by Archimedes, who reveals that he is a guardian angel, and explains that he put Keith through this experience to teach him not to ignore his friends and loved ones in the pursuit of success.maxresdefaultArchimedes flies Keith back to Leeds, dropping him over Evil Steve’s lair and proceeding to Heaven. Keith falls through the roof, causing rubble to fall on top of Evil Steve, and rescues Rosie from being lowered into a vat of liquid hot metal. He apologises to his friends for ignoring them, and proposes to Rosie. At first, Rosie is angered by Keith’s actions and refuses to forgive him (especially when Keith off-handedly confesses that Kelly Brook was the superior girlfriend), but she soon accepts both his apology and proposal, and with their relationship repaired, Keith, Rosie and Dougie leave the warehouse. During the end credits, Keith explains through a voice-over that he settled down and had a family with Rosie, and converted the Securipoles into water pumps for countries in the “Fourth World”.keith-lemon-the-film-802412922

It’s Crude, disgusting and very funny, which is what anyone thinking of buying this would wish for.

 

REVIEW: THE IMAGINARIUM OF DOCTOR PARNASSUS

CAST

Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight)
Lily Cole (Snow White and The Huntsman)
Johnny Depp (Public Enemies)
Colin Farrell (Intermission)
Jude Law (Spy)
Christopher Plummer (The Last Station)
Andrew Garfield (The Amazing Spider-Man)
Verne Troyer (Austin Powers 2 & 3)
Tom Waits (Mystery Men)

Doctor Parnassus’ theater troupe, which includes sleight of hand expert Anton, confidant Percy, and Parnassus’ daughter Valentina, performs outside a London pub. The troupe’s main attraction is a magical “Imaginarium”, which offers whoever enters it a choice between difficult self-fulfillment or easy ignorance. After a drunkard is swayed to the latter, Parnassus says he has lost another one to Mr. Nick, a suave personification of the Devil. Mr. Nick reminds Parnassus that in three days Valentina turns 16, and her soul will be his. Hundreds of years ago Mr. Nick tricked Parnassus into gaining immortality, after making a wager similar to his current predicament.As the troupe crosses a bridge, Anton spies someone hanging beneath it. They rescue the man, who spits out a golden pipe when revived. Claiming to have amnesia, he joins the troupe as a barker. Parnassus becomes despondent over the impending loss of his daughter. Mr. Nick visits Parnassus, revealing the hanging man is a disgraced philanthropist named “Tony”. He offers Parnassus a wager: Valentina can stay with whoever wins five souls first.Tony convinces the troupe to remodel the show into a more modern act. While performing, Tony lures a posh woman into the Imaginarium and follows her, where they enter a pastel-coloured dream-world representing the woman’s imagination. The woman’s imagination also changes Tony’s face; upon discovering this, he dances elegantly with her, and they spy a motel run by Mr. Nick. Tony convinces the woman to take a gondola toward a pyramid alone, winning a soul for Parnassus. Tony falls back out of the Imaginarium, returning his face to normal; the woman exits shortly after and gives the troupe a vast sum of money. When three other women enter, each emerges elated; and thus Parnassus wins three more souls. Four Russian gangsters, to whom Tony owes money, are taken by Mr. Nick when they chase Tony into the Imaginarium. The score becomes four souls apiece.With the bet nearing its end, Parnassus reveals Valentina’s conception to her: after ageing from immortality, Parnassus made a new pact with Mr. Nick to be youthful again, in order to win the heart of a woman he loved. In exchange, any child he fathered would become Mr. Nick’s property at age 16. Valentina attempts to run away, but Tony enters the Imaginarium to give his soul to Parnassus; in exchange, Parnassus must teach him the trance that powers the dream world. Valentina returns as he tries to enter the mirror, but Anton blocks them, having discovered that Tony is a fraudulent charity scammer.Tony fights off Anton, pushes Valentina into the Imaginarium and joins her. Influenced by Valentina’s desires, Tony’s face changes again, and they float along a beautiful river in a gondola. After an impoverished child disrupts their boat trip, Tony transforms into a philanthropist speaking at a fundraiser. Anton, following the pair into the Imaginarium, appears as an outspoken child and exposes Tony as a fraud. A mob pursues Tony as the landscape disintegrates, causing Anton to fall into a void. Distraught and angry over her father’s bargain and a lifetime of hiding of the truth from her, Valentina gives her soul to Mr. Nick. Disillusioned by the easy victory, Mr. Nick offers Parnassus to trade Valentina for Tony. Chased by the mob, Tony flees to a gallows, but Parnassus confronts him, holding Tony’s pipe and a copy. Parnassus challenges Tony to choose which pipe is genuine. He chooses wrongly, inserts the copy in his windpipe, and is hanged. Mr. Nick keeps his word and Valentina is freed, but Parnassus is not told where she is, and is abandoned to wander in the Imaginarium.Parnassus emerges years later, finding Valentina is married to Anton and they have a daughter. He watches them from outside a restaurant window, but when tempted to join them, he is stopped by Percy. Teaming up once more, Parnassus and Percy sell toy theatre replicas of the Imaginarium and the troupe on a street corner. Mr. Nick invites Parnassus over to him, but Percy puts an end to the temptation.The acting is good, with Lily Cole surprisingly impressive and old hands Christopher Plummer and Tom Waits leading by example. Terry Gilliam direction combines the fantastical and the ordinary in a way that only he can. It is the first time he has participated in the writing process for two decades and this film has an autobiographical feel as Doctor Parnassus tries to entice with stories and the imagination only to be met by cynical crowds. This effort to wow the public may not move them away from CGI and is short of his best, but it is still entertaining and favourable over films which lack charm, imagination and storytelling.

REVIEW: THE LOVE GURU

CAST

Mike Myers (Wayne’s World)
Jessica Alba (Sin City)
Justin Timberlake (The Social Network)
Romany Malco (No Ordinary Family)
Meagan Good (D.E.B.S.)
Verne Troyer (The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus)
Omid Djalili (The Mummy)
Ben Kingslery (Ender’s Game)
Telma Hopkins (Trancers)
Stephen Colbert (Bewitched)
Jim Gaffigan (17 Again)
Morgan Freeman (Batman Begins)
Val Kilmer (Willow)
Oprah Winfrey (The Butler)
Kanye West (The Cleveland Show)
Mariska Hargitay (Law & Order)
Jessica Simpson (Employee of The Month)

The film begins in a little Indian village named “Harenmahkeester”, where we are introduced to Guru Pitka talking into his recorder which allows him to sound like a man, a woman, or Morgan Freeman. He is the #2 Guru in the world, next to Deepak Chopra. A flashback shows us that Pitka is an orphan of missionaries in India. Both Pitka and Chopra were taught by Guru Tugginmypudha. Pitka says he wants to become a Guru so that girls will love him, so Tugginmypudha puts a chastity belt on him until he can learn that loving himself is more important than being loved by others.
Pitka’s dream is to become the number #1 Guru and to get on The Oprah Winfrey Show. He lives a charmed life scooting around on his mobile pillow. He has thousands of followers, including celebrities like Jessica Simpson, Val Kilmer and Mariska Hargitay (Pitka’s mantra is “Mariska Hargitay”). We attend one of his teachings which involve a lot of acronyms and play on words on a slide show (i.e., “guru” meaning “gee, you are you” and going from Nowhere to Now Here). Pitka has a gorgeous palace with a beautiful female staff, helicopter, elephants, and a servant, Rajneesh, who squeezes fresh orange juice out of a tree for him and has an ostrich lay his morning egg for him.
Meanwhile, in Canada, Jane Bullard’s father died and left her the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team. They have not won a Stanley Cup since she took over so the city hates her. Her star player, Darren Roanoke, the Tiger Woods of Hockey, has been playing poorly ever since his wife Prudence left him for a well endowed French Canadian, Jacques “Lè Cocq” Grandè, who plays for the rival Los Angeles Kings. He has a tattoo on his abdomen that reads “The Legend” with an arrow pointing down. When Pitka is introduced to Jane Bullard, he imagines a Bollywood musical fantasy with her in it. Jane is a big fan of Pitka’s, having read all of his books. She is paying him 2 million dollars to patch up Darren’s marriage, in time to win the Stanley Cup. Pitka’s agent, Dick Pants, is thrilled and says that if Pitka patches up the marriage, Oprah will have him on her show.
Pitka has an acronym, DRAMA, tattoed on his hand. D represents Distraction. Guru Tugginmypudha taught him the lesson of distraction with the use of his own urine. Pitka encourages the rival team to beat Darren up during a game, thus distracting him from his emotional distress over Prudence and Le Cocq. Darren begins to play well but then gets suspended for the next two games after beating up Le Cocq and hitting Coach Cherkov with a hockey puck. There is a meeting in the Coach’s tiny office, complete with mini water cooler, where they argue about the situation. Later, Pitka has dinner with Jane, gets her to move in for a kiss, only to hear a ding on his chastity belt. He tells her it can not be, and she does not understand and runs out. Next, Pitka tells Darren to write an apology note to Prudence. Pitka gets in a huge fight with Le Cocq’s guard rooster in order to deliver the note.
The R in Drama is Regression. Apparently Darren is afraid of his mother. They confront her at her Church choir but she ends up scaring both Pitka and Darren out of the church with her harsh words. Pitka helps Darren realise that since his mother only showed him love when he succeeded he had grown to believe others like Prudence would only love him as long as he won.
Time is running out, so Pitka skips through the rest of the acronym. He distracts Le Cocq with his idol, Celine Dion, then lies to Prudence, telling her Darren stood up to his mom, getting her to go back to Darren. At the last game. Le Cocq, having overheard that Darren cannot play with his mother in the audience, gets Darren’s mother to sing the national anthem, causing Darren to run out of the game. Meanwhile, Pitka is at the airport, on his way to the Oprah show. He sees the news on TV and defies his agent by going to the game to help Darren, as well as show Jane (who manages to stand up to the angry crowd) his chastity belt. After smoothing things over with his mother, Darren is OK again until Le Cocq says Prudence also said “Damn” to him in bed. Darren freezes and Pitka realizes he needs to distract Darren from whatever is troubling him.
Pitka gets two elephants to have sex in the middle of the rink, in front of millions of TV audience, which distracts Le Cocq and helps Darren wake up from his stupor and score the winning goal. After the game, Pitka makes up with Jane and Coach Cherkov, then meets Deepak Chopra and decides that he is fine with being the first Guru Pitka instead of the next Deepak Chopra. and everyone lives happily ever after. Back in the Indian village, Guru Tugginmypudha tells Pitka that he has finally learned to love himself and removes Pitka’s chastity belt, as there was a hook in the back. Jane and Pitka kiss. The ending is a rendition of the Steve Miller Band song “The Joker” with Jane and Pitka dancing Indian musical style.Very very funny. If you like Austin Powers you will also like The Love Guru.