REVIEW: SPACEBALLS

CAST

Bill Pullman (Independance Day)
John Candy (Uncle Buck)
Daphne Zuniga (The Fly II)
Joan Rivers (Shrek 2)
Mel Brooks (Young Frankenstein)
Rick Moranis (Ghostbusters)
Dick Van Patten (Cannon)
George Wyner (American Pie 2)
Leslie Bevis (Alien Nation)
Dom DeLuise (Cannonball Run II)
John Hurt (Hellboy)
Stephen Tobolowsky (Groundhog Day)
Tim Russ (Star Trek: Voyager)
Brenda Strong (Supergirl)
Tony Cox (Bad Santa)
Tress MacNeille (Futurama)
Phil Hartman (The Simpsons)
Micharl York (Logans Run)

Planet Spaceball, led by the incompetent President Skroob, has wasted all of its fresh air. Skroob schemes to force King Roland of the neighboring planet Druidia to give them their air by kidnapping his daughter Princess Vespa on the day of her pre-arranged wedding to the narcoleptic Prince Valium. Skroob sends the villainous Dark Helmet to complete this task with Spaceball One, an impossibly huge ship helmed by Colonel Sandurz. Before they can arrive, Vespa abandons her wedding and flees the planet in her Mercedes spaceship with her droid of honor, Dot Matrix.
Roland contacts mercenary Lone Starr and his mawg (half-man, half-dog) sidekick Barf, offering a lucrative reward to retrieve Vespa before she is captured. Lone Starr readily accepts, as he is in major debt with the gangster Pizza the Hutt. In their Winnebago space ship the Eagle 5, Starr and Barf are able to reach Vespa before Spaceball One, rescue both her and Dot, then escape. Spaceball One tries to follow, but Helmet foolishly orders the ship to “ludicrous speed,” causing it to overshoot the escapees.
Out of fuel, Lone Starr is forced to crash-land on the nearby “desert moon of Vega”. The escapees travel on foot in blazing sun and pass out. They are found by the Dinks, a group of diminutive red-clad aliens, and are taken to a cave occupied by Yogurt, who is old and wise. Yogurt introduces Lone Starr to “The Schwartz”, a metaphysical power similar to the Force. Yogurt also introduces the audience to the film’s merchandising campaign. Starr and Vespa begin to flirt, but Vespa insists she can only be married to a prince.
Helmet and Sandurz break the fourth wall by using a VHS copy of the film to discover Vespa’s location, and Helmet orders Spaceball One to the moon. The Spaceballs capture Vespa and Dot, and return with them to planet Spaceball. Their captors threaten to reverse Vespa’s nose job, forcing Roland to give over the code to the shield that protects Druidia. Helmet and Sandurz take Spaceball One to Druidia, where they transform the ship into Mega Maid, a giant robotic maid with a vacuum cleaner that begins sucking the air from the planet. Lone Starr and Barf rescue Vespa and Dot from captivity, and then race to Druidia. When the vacuum bag is almost full, Lone Starr is able to use the Schwartz to reverse the robot’s sucking action, returning the air to the planet.
Once the air is successfully returned to the planet, Lone Starr and his allies enter the Mega Maid to attempt to destroy it. Lone Starr is forced to fight Helmet with lightsaber-like “Schwartz rings” near the ship’s self-destruct button. Lone Starr manages to defeat Helmet, causing him to involuntarily strike the button. Lone Starr and his friends escape the ship, while Skroob, Helmet, and Sandurz fail to reach any escape pods in time. Trapped in the robot’s head as the ship explodes, they land on a nearby planet, much to the regret of its Planet of the Apes-like population.
With Lone Starr’s debt to Pizza nullified by the gangster’s untimely death, he returns Vespa to Roland and leaves, taking only enough money to cover his expenses. After a lunch break at a diner and a strange incident involving an alien and an astronaut, Lone Starr finds a final message from Yogurt informing him that he is a prince and thus eligible to marry Vespa. He manages to reach Druidia in time to stop her wedding to Valium, announces his royal lineage, then marries Vespa.Spaceballs is seriously just a great comedy, I guarantee you that you will have a good laugh by watching this film. Every scene is just so funny, I highly recommend Spaceballs for anyone, please see this film, you won’t regret it.

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REVIEW: WILLOW

 

CAST

Warwick Davis (Leprechaun)
Val Kilmer (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang)
Joanne Whalley (The Secret Rapture)
Jean Marsh (Return to Oz)
Patricia Hayes (Reach for Glory)
Billy Barty (Masters of The Universe)
Pat Roach (Kull The Conqueror)
Gavan O’Herlihy (Superman III)
Kevin Pollak (End of Days)
Tony Cox (Bad Santa)
Phil Fondacaro (Sabrina: The Teenage Witch)

A prophecy states that a female child with a special birthmark will herald the downfall of the evil sorceress Queen Bavmorda. Bavmorda imprisons all pregnant women in her realm to prevent fulfilment of the prophecy. When the prophesied child Elora Danan is born, the mother begs the midwife to hide the infant and smuggle her to safety. The midwife reluctantly accepts and leaves Nockmaar castle unnoticed. The mother is executed, the midwife is hunted down and eventually found. Knowing she cannot escape, she sets the baby on a makeshift raft of grass and sends her down the river hoping for fate to run its course. The midwife is killed by Nockmaar hounds. Bavmorda, furious about the escape, summons her daughter Sorsha and her army’s commander, General Kael to find the baby.The baby drifts downriver to a village of the Nelwyn(Dwarves). She comes into the care of Willow Ufgood, a kind farmer and conjurer who hopes to become a real sorcerer; his wife Kiaya and his children fall in love with the baby immediately, and Willow too soon grows to love her as one of his own. During a town festival, the village is attacked by a Nockmaar hound which is quickly killed by the village warriors. The High Aldwin, the village sorcerer, learns about the baby and selects Willow, due to his devotion to the child, to accompany a party of volunteers returning the baby to the Daikini (Man) people. At a crossroads, they find a human warrior named Madmartigan trapped in a crow’s cage. The rest of the party want to give the baby to Madmartigan and go home immediately, but Willow and his friend Meegosh refuse, so the others leave. After spending the night at the crossroads, and meeting an army led by Airk Thaughbaer, an old friend of Madmartigan’s, marching against Bavmorda, Willow reluctantly decides to free Madmartigan so that he can take care of the baby for them.Later on, the baby is stolen by a group of brownies. While chasing them, Willow and Meegosh are trapped, but rescued by Cherlindrea, a Fairy Queen, who identifies the baby as Elora Danan, the future princess of Tir Asleen and Bavmorda’s bane, and assigns Willow the task of helping the baby fulfill her destiny. Willow sends Meegosh home, and two of the brownies, Franjean and Rool, are instructed to guide Willow to the sorceress Fin Raziel. The three of them later encounter Madmartigan at a tavern, where he is disguised as a woman to hide from Lug, a cuckolded husband, who then flirts with the disguised Madmartigan. Sorsha arrives and reveals his identity, and in the ensuing brawl started by the furious Lug upon the realisation that Madmartigan is not a woman, Willow, Madmartigan and the brownies escape. Madmartigan guides them to a lake where Raziel lives, but departs again as they cross it.Raziel has been transformed into a possum by Bavmorda, and Willow and his party return with her to shore. They are captured by Sorsha, who already has Madmartigan in custody, and are taken to a snowbound mountain camp of the Nockmaar army. Willow tries to restore Raziel, but turns her into a rook instead. Madmartigan is dosed with love dust by the brownies and declares his undying love for Sorsha. The prisoners escape and reach a village at the foot of a mountain, where they again encounter Airk and the remains of his army, recently defeated by Bavmorda’s forces. Madmartigan proclaims his loyalty to the Nelwyn and promises to protect Willow and Elora.With Sorsha as their temporary hostage, they escape to the castle of Tir Asleen, but discover that its inhabitants have all been frozen by Bavmorda and the castle is overrun by trolls. The castle is stormed by Kael’s army. During Kael’s assault on the castle, Sorsha realizes she also loves Madmartigan and decides to join him and Willow in opposing her mother’s army. Willow accidentally turns a troll into a massive, fire-breathing, two-headed monster that turns the tide of the battle, and Airk arrives with his army to assist. However, Kael captures Elora and returns to Nockmaar, where he reports Sorsha’s betrayal to Bavmorda.Airk’s army, Willow, and the others arrive at Nockmaar to lay siege, but Bavmorda turns the soldiers into pigs. Instructed by Raziel, Willow protects himself with a spell and avoids transformation. He succeeds in turning Raziel into a human again, and she restores the others to their original forms. Willow’s group tricks their way into the castle and start a battle. Airk is killed by Kael, who is in turn slain by Madmartigan after a lengthy sword duel. Sorsha leads Willow and Raziel to the ritual chamber where they interrupt Elora’s sacrifice. Bavmorda and Raziel have a magical duel, during the course of which Raziel is incapacitated. Willow uses a “disappearing pig trick” he had performed as a conjurer to fool Bavmorda into thinking that Elora was sent out of her reach. Lunging at Willow, Bavmorda accidentally triggers the ritual’s final part to send Elora’s soul to oblivion, and banishes her own soul instead.Willow is rewarded with a magic book to aid him in becoming a sorcerer, and Sorsha and Madmartigan remain in Tir Asleen to raise Elora together. Willow returns home to a hero’s welcome and is happily reunited with his family.Critics panned it for being unoriginal, but being original wasn’t the point of this movie. The point was to entertain, to make us thrill to a tale of high adventure of dragons, of far away lands, of swords and sorcery. On this account, no other fantasy film (with the possible exception of Conan the Barbarian) has ever done this so exceedingly well.

 

REVIEW: DISASTER MOVIE

CAST

Matt Lanter (Timeless)
Vanessa Lachey (Dads)
Gary Johnson (Moneyball)
Nicole Parker (MADtv)
Crista Flanagan (Clipped)
Kim Kardashian West (2 Broke Girls)
Carmen Electra (Scary Movie)
Tony Cox (Bad Santa)
Tad Hilgenbrink (Ameircan Pie: Band Camp)

In the year 10,001 B.C., a caveman runs away from a predator through a plain and immediately gets into a fight with Wolf (Ike Barinholtz). After defeating him, the caveman then encounters the predator, a saber-toothed, gasoline-drinking Amy Winehouse (Nicole Parker), who informs him that the world will end on August 29, 2008 and that their fate lies in a Crystal Skull. The sequence is then revealed to be a dream of Will (Matt Lanter) in the present day. He then finds out that his girlfriend Amy (Vanessa Minnillo) is having an affair with Flavor Flav (Abe Spigner), and she breaks up with Will because he is not admitting his true feelings for her.

Later that day, Will has a “Super Duper Sweet Sixteen” party at his house, despite being 25. The guests include Juney (Crista Flanagan), Dr. Phil (John Di Domenico), Will’s best friend Calvin (Gary “G Thang” Johnson), and Anton Chigurh (Barinholtz), among others. During the party, Amy arrives with her new boyfriend, a Calvin Klein underwear model. The party then comes to a halt when the room shakes and the lights go out. A bulletin on the radio claims there is a meteor shower and it is the end of the world. Soon after, the city starts to freeze over, and Will, Juney, Calvin, and Calvin’s girlfriend Lisa retreat to a garage for shelter. When Juney mentions that the calamities are caused by global warming, Will realizes his dream about Amy Winehouse could be related. Later, Will is chided by the others for not committing himself to his relationship with Amy.

The gang leaves the garage and Will gets a call from Amy, where he admits his feelings for her before the call is dropped. He decides to go to rescue Amy. Lisa is later killed by a meteor. While the others comfort a distraught Calvin, the Enchanted Princess (Parker), a prostitute, climbs out of a manhole and gets hit by a taxi. Calvin catches her, and they immediately fall in love with each other. The Princess’ pimp, Prince Edwin (Tad Hilgenbrink), challenges Calvin to a dance fight for her love, but a tornado appears and Prince Edwin escapes. Iron Man (Gerrard Fachinni), Hellboy (Barinholtz), and the Hulk (Roland Kickinger) attempt to fight it, but all are defeated by cows thrown by the tornado. After taking shelter, Will, Juney, Calvin, and the Princess encounter rabid knockoffs of Alvin and the Chipmunks, who attack the gang and kill Juney. The Chipmunks then go after Will and Calvin, but they trap them in a trash can, fatally suffocating them as they attempt to escape.
On their way to the museum Amy is trapped, the group runs into Batman, who informs them that they must go to evacuation buses and that there will be no chance of survival if they go to save Amy. With time against them, the Princess Giselle kills Speed Racer (Jared S. Eddo), and the group hijacks his Mach Five to drive to the museum. At the museum, they save Amy, who reveals that the Crystal Skull is the only thing that can stop the end of the world. Calvin and the Princess then find that the museum doors are closed and all of the artifacts have come alive, including Kung Fu Panda (Yoshio Iizuka), who fights Calvin but is defeated. When Calvin makes out with the Princess, Calvin accidentally pulls her wig and discovers that she is actually a transvestite. While this happens, Kung Fu Panda takes out a katana and kills Calvin and the Princess.
Meanwhile, Will and Amy run into a nude Beowulf (Barinholtz), who fights with Will. After Beowulf is defeated, Will and Amy encounter Indiana Jones (Tony Cox), who is revealed to be Will’s father. Indy tries to put the Crystal Skull on the altar, but he has an accident. Will does it instead, and he averts further destruction. The film ends with a wedding ceremony for Will and Amy being performed by The Guru Shitka (Domenico). The film ends with an extensive musical number about all of the characters dating each other, which sets off a chain, ending with the Chipmunks.Yet another spoof movie, if you like Scary Movie and Meet The Spartans you will love this if not then stay away.

REVIEW: LEPRECHAUN 2

CAST

Warwick Davis (Harry Potter)
Charlie Heath (The Beverly Hillbillies)
Shevonne Durkin (Spermicide)
Sandy Baron (Birdy)
Kimmy Robertson (Speed 2)
Clint Howard (The Rocketeer)
Tony Cox (Bad Santa)

Image result for leprechaun 2On March 17, 994 A.D., The Leprechaun is a thousand years old. Since that is his birthday, he can choose any woman to be his bride. He picks a young girl of the O’Day family. The Leprechaun describes the girl he has chosen to O’Day, but when O’Day sees that the girl is in fact his daughter, he intervenes with “God bless you” therefore denying the Leprechaun his bride, as the creature can marry any girl who sneezes three times, provided no one says “God bless you.” The Leprechaun captures, tortures and tells O’Day that he will marry his descendant in a thousand years time on St Patrick’s Day, before killing O’Day.Image result for leprechaun 2One thousand years later, St Patrick’s Day in modern-day Los Angeles, a petulant sixteen-year-old girl named Bridget Callum, a descendant of the O’Day bloodline, has gotten into a fight with her boyfriend, Cody Ingalls. Cody frequently has to break their dates in order to support Morty, his alcoholic scam artist uncle. The Leprechaun steals some whiskey and a gold tooth from a homeless man and a gold ring off the finger of Tim Streer, a talent agent. After all of this, he follows Bridget to her house, where a boy named Ian attempts to persuade her into letting him in; she refuses with a swift elbow to his ribs. The Leprechaun then creates an illusion that fools Ian into believing that Bridget is asking him to kiss her, while in actuality, they are a pair of lawnmower blades that start up after Ian shoves his face into them.Image result for leprechaun 2Shortly afterwards, Cody knocks on the door and apologizes, offering flowers, which causes Bridget to sneeze all over his shirt. The third time she sneezes, Cody begins to say “God bless you,” but is unable to complete the blessing when the Leprechaun attempts to strangle him with a telephone cord. After a struggle, the Leprechaun disappears with Bridget, losing one of his gold coins, which Cody soon finds. The police soon arrive, find Bridget missing, Ian dead, and a note from Cody at the scene, leading them to get an arrest warrant out for him. Cody returns to Morty’s house and tells him what happened; Morty says he’s crazy until the Leprechaun breaks in and they barely escape. Morty and Cody then go to a bar, which is filled with people celebrating St. Patrick’s Day. While there, Cody is given a piece of chocolate in a gold wrapper by one of the bar’s patrons. The Leprechaun appears and Morty challenges him to a drinking contest. While the Leprechaun downs whiskey, Morty is actually drinking soda and water. The Leprechaun eventually becomes extremely drunk, so much to the point he can barely use his magic. He distracts Morty and Cody by turning on a jukebox with his powers, leading him to get away. He goes to a coffee shop, where he sobers up. Upon being asked for payment for the coffee, the Leprechaun thinks the waiter wants to take his gold and kills him. Meanwhile, Cody and Morty break into the go-kart racetrack since the office contains a huge safe on wheels made of wrought iron, the only thing that can harm the Leprechaun. Cody traps the Leprechaun inside, but Morty takes advantage of the opportunity to claim three wishes and locks Cody in a store room.Image result for leprechaun 2His first is for the Leprechaun’s pot of gold, which appears in Morty’s stomach, grotesquely stretching it. Morty wishes for the Leprechaun out of the safe for help, and, for his third wish, asks for the pot of gold out of him. The Leprechaun cuts Morty’s stomach open and pulls out the pot, killing Morty. Just then, as Cody breaks out of the store room, a security guard, who has responded to a silent alarm that Morty tripped, enters. Before he can arrest Cody, however, the officer is lured onto the track by the Leprechaun’s impersonation of Bridget and is run over twice and killed by the little green man in his own custom go-kart.Image result for leprechaun 2He attempts to kill Cody for his gold coin, but Cody realizes that as long as he holds it, the Leprechaun cannot harm him, leading him to run to the Leprechaun’s lair to attempt rescuing Bridget. Before he can find Bridget, however, Cody is attacked by the skeleton of William O’Day carrying out the Leprechaun’s bidding. After he defeats the skeleton and overcomes many illusions, he finally stumbles upon Bridget in the Leprechaun’s room with a gold collar on her neck. Suddenly, the Leprechaun corners Cody, demanding that he return his coin. Bridget, who has been picking at her collar with a broken awl, breaks it off, throws it at the Leprechaun’s head, and runs, as Cody follows. The Leprechaun dusts off his hat and pursues them both. In their mad dash to find an exit, Bridget and Cody get separated. When they meet up again, Bridget convinces Cody to leave the coin behind. When Cody is reluctant to part with the coin, the only thing that is keeping the Leprechaun from harming them, Bridget kisses him, so Cody hands her the coin.Image result for leprechaun 2The Leprechaun, who was pretending to be her, knocks Cody across the room and then goes after Bridget. Suddenly, Cody jumps up and shoves an iron crowbar through the Leprechaun’s chest, pointing out that the gold coin was actually the gold-covered milk chocolate. Together, Cody and Bridget run out of the lair, and the Leprechaun explodes behind him. Bridget asks Cody how he knew that the illusionary Bridget wasn’t really her kissing him, and Cody informs her that her kisses are different. She then asks him whether he’s going to keep the coin. “It’s not worth it,” Cody replies and tosses it on the ground. They then share a laugh and walk home.Image result for leprechaun 2Leprechaun 2 has much more great humor, like the scene where he and Cody’s uncle are drinking, and it was just so hilarious to see a leprechaun drunk. “Drink all you want… drink all you can… you can’t beat me… ’cause I’m a lepre-can! Mmmph! Chaun!” LOL! I loved that line. Watch this movie if you are in the correct mood or enjoy the series. Don’t take it so seriously, otherwise, you’re looking for the wrong kind of movie.

REVIEW: THE EWOK ADVENTURES: THE BATTLE FOR ENDOR

CAST
Warwick Davis (Willow)
Eric Walker (Less Than Zero)
Aubree Miller
Wilfred Brimley (The Firm)
Sian Phillips (Dune)
Carel Struycken (The Addams Family)
Paul Gleason (Die Hard)
Tony Cox (Bad Santa)
While the Towani family (Jeremitt, Catrine, Mace, and Cindel) are preparing to leave the forest moon of Endor, the Ewok village is attacked by a group of marauders (originally crash landed from Sanyassa) led by Terak and his witch-like sorceress Charal. Many Ewoks are killed. Cindel escapes, but is forced to leave Jeremitt, Catrine and Mace to their probable doom, both parents having already been hit by enemy fire. Their fate is not explicitly told in the film, but Cindel later assumes that they have been killed. While running away from the carnage, Cindel and Wicket meet Teek, a small fast native of Endor. Teek takes them to the home of Noa Briqualon, a human man who is angered by their uninvited presence and throws them out. Eventually he proves himself to be a kindhearted man, letting Teek steal food for them and inviting the two in when they attempt to build a fire for warmth. At the marauders’ castle, Charal is ordered by Terak to find Cindel, assuming she knows how to use “the power” in the energy cell stolen from Jaremitt. Meanwhile, Noa, Cindel, and Wicket are becoming friends. It is revealed that Noa is rebuilding his own broken Star Cruiser, only missing the energy cell. Cindel is awakened one morning by a song her mother used to sing to her. She follows the voice to find a beautiful woman singing. The woman transforms into Charal, who takes her to Terak. He orders her to activate “the power.” When she cannot, she and Charal are both imprisoned with the Ewoks. Outside, Noa, Wicket, and Teek sneak into the castle, making their way to the cellblock, where they free Cindel and the other Ewoks. They escape with the energy cell.
Terak, Charal, and the marauders trace them back to the ship, where Wicket leads the Ewoks in defense of the ship, and Noa installs the energy cell in his ship. The Ewoks put up a valiant effort, and are nearly beaten by the time Noa powers up the ship and uses its laser cannons to fend off the marauders. When Cindel goes to save Wicket, she is captured by Terak, even as the other marauders retreat. Terak and Noa face off, with Wicket finally coming to the rescue, killing Terak and simultaneously leaving Charal trapped in bird form for eternity. Shortly thereafter, goodbyes are said as Noa and Cindel leave the forest moon of Endor aboard Noa’s starship.
First things first, both this movie and the “Ewok Adventure” were made for TV-movies. Therefore, to compare them to Star Wars is unfair due to the differences in budgets and people on board. That being said, I love this movie! Both The Battle For Endor  was a childhood favorite of mine. The story is still entertaining, albeit still on a child’s level. But that’s ok, because that’s what these movies were meant for.

REVIEW: THE EWOK ADVENTURES: CARAVAN OF COURAGE

CAST
Warwick Davis (Willow)
Eric Walker (Less Than Zero)
Aubree Miller
Fionnula Flanagan (Lost)
Guy Boyd (Foxcathcher)
Debbie Lee Carrington (Total Recall)
Tony Cox (Bad Santa)

On the forest moon of Endor three years after the Battle of Yavin, the Towani family starcruiser lies wrecked. The Towani family (Catarine, Jeremitt, Mace, and Cindel) are stranded. When Catarine and Jeremitt vanish (having been captured by the Gorax), the children are found by the Ewok Deej. After Mace tries to kill them, the Ewoks subdue him and take both children to the Ewoks’ home. There, Cindel and Wicket become friends. Shortly thereafter, the Ewoks kill a beast only to find a life-monitor from one of the Towani parents with the creature.

They seek out the Ewok Logray who informs them that the parents have been taken by the monstrous Gorax, which resides in a deserted, dangerous area. A caravan of Ewoks is formed to help the children find their parents. They meet up with a wistie named Izrina and a boisterous Ewok named Chukha-Trok before finally reaching the lair of the Gorax. They engage the Gorax in battle, freeing Jeremitt and Catarine, but Chukha-Trok is killed. The Gorax is thought destroyed when it is knocked into a chasm, but it takes a final blow from Mace (using Chukha-Trok’s axe) to kill the creature, which tries to climb back up after them. Thus reunited, the Towanis decide to stay with the Ewoks until they can repair the starcruiser, and Izrina leaves to go back to her family.
I loved this movie as a child and still do. A great adventure with no cursing and little to no violence. Great characters and great outdoor settings. The Ewoks shine all on their own, and are great to see in Star Wars as well. Quirky antics and always seeming to land in trouble, that is what a children’s sci-fi adventure should be about. I know it may seem a little goofy to those of you who are big sci-fi buffs and are looking for in-depth high caliber writing, but for those of you who are looking for light hearted fun, this is the movie!

REVIEW: EPIC MOVIE

CAST
Kal Penn (Superman Returns)
Adam Campbell (Date Movie)
Jennifer Coolidge (2 broke Girls)
Jayma Mays (Ugly Betty)
Crispin Glover (Alice In Wonderland)
Tony Cox (Bad Santa)
Carmen Electra (Scary Movie)
Fred Willard (Lois & Clark)
David Carradine (Kill Bill)
Kevin McDonald (That 70s Show)
Crista Flanagan (Disaster Movie)
Tad Hilgenbrink (American Pie: Band Camp)
Taran Killam (Ted 2)
Kevin Hart (Central Intelligence)
Lucy (Jayma Mays) finds that her adoptive father (David Carradine), a museum curator, has been attacked by Silas (Kevin Hart). Before dying, he gives clues which lead her to a “Golden Ticket” in a vending machine candy bar. Edward (Kal Penn) is training at a Mexican monastery to be a monk. Ignacio (Jareb Dauplaise) becomes enraged at Edward’s displeasure at the living conditions and has him beaten and thrown out the window. On the way Edward grabs a Monk’s “Golden Ticket”. Next, the film introduces Susan (Faune Chambers). She is going to Namibia to meet her new adoptive parents. While she orders water, snakes come out and hijack the plane. Samuel L. Jackson (James Walker, Sr.) pops up and starts repeatedly saying “I have had it with these goddamn snakes on this goddamn plane!” and he throws Susan out of the plane. Susan accidentally falls on Paris Hilton and finds her “Golden Ticket” in Paris’ purse. Then the film introduces Peter (Adam Campbell), a mutant, a student at Mutant Academy, who is often teased for his chicken-like wings. One day he asks Mystique (Carmen Electra) to come with him to the homecoming dance, but he ends up bullied by Mystique’s jealous boyfriend, Wolverine (Vince Vieluf), and the Headmaster, Magneto (Jim Piddock). As Magneto wills a locker door to open and knock Peter to the ground, another student’s “Golden Ticket” falls onto Peter’s chest.
All four meet up at Willy’s Chocolate Factory. Willy (Crispin Glover) reveals his diabolical secret: he plans to use them all as the ‘special ingredient’ in the treats (which is actual human parts). In an effort to hide from the maniacal Willy, Lucy soon finds a wardrobe. On the other side, in the middle of a wintry forest, she finds Mr. Tumnus (Hector Jimenez). He welcomes Lucy to Gnarnia. Feeling a burst of compassion, he manages to warn Lucy of the danger she is in. Edward follows Lucy to Gnarnia and meets the White Bitch (Jennifer Coolidge). She convinces him to trap the other orphans and he can be the king of Gnarnia in her White Castle. All four main characters make their way to Mr. Tumnus’ house, where the orphans discover that they are all related to one another, and that the White Bitch killed their parents. They ally themselves with Harry Beaver (Katt Williams), Tumnus’ life partner. While this is occurring, Peter becomes Superman, but in the dream he gets shot in the eye and causing him to falls off the building, only to find out it is a nightmare. Edward sneaks off to the White Bitch’s castle, despite realizing she intends evil. Edward refuses to tell the White Bitch where his friends are, so she flashes him her breasts, hypnotizing him into giving up the information on the orphans; he is then imprisoned. The White Bitch sends Silas after the trio; Tumnus sacrifices himself to ensure their safety.
They end up meeting a graying Harry Potter (Kevin McDonald), along with a balding Ron Weasley (George Alvarez), and a pregnant Hermione Granger (Crista Flanagan) at Hogwarts, and other characters from famous movies. They all help Lucy, Susan, and Peter train for the war against the White Bitch. It’s soon revealed she plans to create a new continent for her followers via a magic crystal; she acknowledges this is the same plot as Superman Returns. Edward escapes with the assistance of Captain Jack Swallows (Darrell Hammond), only to find out later that it was a ruse as the Captain, the Bitch’s old enemy, needs intelligence out of Edward. Jack is then stabbed by the White Bitch as the crystal is thrown in the ocean and grows, putting the witch’s plan in motion.
Upon finishing their training, Lucy, Susan, and Peter head to the camp of Aslo (Fred Willard). Aslo agrees to help Edward, and he manages to kill Silas, but while breaking Edward out, Aslo is slain by the White Bitch. Despite this, the ungrateful orphans have a pre-battle party, during which Peter and Mystique (who, along with the others who bullied Peter, had come to help the trio) get in bed where Mystique asks what he would like her to be and Peter asks for big hooters and a ghetto booty which he says is a lot of junk in the trunk which she replies kinky. He then asks for badonkadonk, but then changes his mind for a mono-brow. He finally asks for big flabby grandma arms which disgusts her and he yells bingo wings like a fat blue Brittney Spears and then says come here and they have sex. Susan gets drunk and vomits everywhere; this so disgusts their new army that nobody shows up to help the orphans the next day. Despite the presence of a revenge-craving Jack on a giant wooden wheel, the four siblings are easily dispatched by the enemy. Peter is about to be slain when he finds the remote from Click using the device’s reality altering powers to save his siblings; they kill the army and erase the White Bitch’s plot. Although the others attempt to kill her while frozen, Peter declares the White Bitch will receive a fair and just trial in the new Narnia as it will be under a democracy. However, before it can be done, Jack’s wheel accidentally crushes her. The four are crowned the new rulers of the land: Peter the Heroic; Susan the Just; Edward the Loyal; and Lucy the Dumb-shit. Tumnus then shows up, having survived his battle with Silas. Decades later, the four now elderly rulers find the wardrobe again. They appear moments after they had left, now young again. They meet Borat (Danny Jacobs), who congratulates them on a happy ending but, then, the four are accidentally run over by Jack’s wheel. Borat is mad with himself for saying it was a happy ending, so he slaps his butt, ending the film.
Extended version
The unrated, longer version (released in the United Kingdom as the “Rude & Crude Unseen Version”) of the film features some scenes not shown in the theatrical version. In the last scene, Willy Wonka, instead of Borat, comes in and says: “I told you it was going to be an epic adventure.” Willy Wonka then goes in the wardrobe and puts out a “do not disturb” sign that refers to the girl in the wardrobe. The Oompa-Loompas come in and start singing the Willy Wonka theme song. The four are then crushed by the wheel. Also, during the scene where Lucy is crushed under the junk that falls out of the “Narnia” closet, the girl who runs out is nude, as opposed to wearing a bikini. In the Snakes on a Plane scene, when the Samuel L. Jackson lookalike yells, he replaces “goddamn” with “motherfuckin'”. In the sex scene with mystique, Peter follows big hooters with the words silver dollar nipples.
The jokes were funny but the plot was a little weird. You have to be knowledgeable about recent movies to get the jokes though because this is a spoof. All in all, it was hilarious. Crispin Glover is excellent here spoofing Willa Wonka. This movie got a lot of bad reviews because eople are being too critical and uptight about it