REVIEW: EPIC MOVIE

CAST
Kal Penn (Superman Returns)
Adam Campbell (Date Movie)
Jennifer Coolidge (2 broke Girls)
Jayma Mays (Ugly Betty)
Crispin Glover (Alice In Wonderland)
Tony Cox (Bad Santa)
Carmen Electra (Scary Movie)
Fred Willard (Lois & Clark)
David Carradine (Kill Bill)
Kevin McDonald (That 70s Show)
Crista Flanagan (Disaster Movie)
Tad Hilgenbrink (American Pie: Band Camp)
Taran Killam (Ted 2)
Kevin Hart (Central Intelligence)
Lucy (Jayma Mays) finds that her adoptive father (David Carradine), a museum curator, has been attacked by Silas (Kevin Hart). Before dying, he gives clues which lead her to a “Golden Ticket” in a vending machine candy bar. Edward (Kal Penn) is training at a Mexican monastery to be a monk. Ignacio (Jareb Dauplaise) becomes enraged at Edward’s displeasure at the living conditions and has him beaten and thrown out the window. On the way Edward grabs a Monk’s “Golden Ticket”. Next, the film introduces Susan (Faune Chambers). She is going to Namibia to meet her new adoptive parents. While she orders water, snakes come out and hijack the plane. Samuel L. Jackson (James Walker, Sr.) pops up and starts repeatedly saying “I have had it with these goddamn snakes on this goddamn plane!” and he throws Susan out of the plane. Susan accidentally falls on Paris Hilton and finds her “Golden Ticket” in Paris’ purse. Then the film introduces Peter (Adam Campbell), a mutant, a student at Mutant Academy, who is often teased for his chicken-like wings. One day he asks Mystique (Carmen Electra) to come with him to the homecoming dance, but he ends up bullied by Mystique’s jealous boyfriend, Wolverine (Vince Vieluf), and the Headmaster, Magneto (Jim Piddock). As Magneto wills a locker door to open and knock Peter to the ground, another student’s “Golden Ticket” falls onto Peter’s chest.
All four meet up at Willy’s Chocolate Factory. Willy (Crispin Glover) reveals his diabolical secret: he plans to use them all as the ‘special ingredient’ in the treats (which is actual human parts). In an effort to hide from the maniacal Willy, Lucy soon finds a wardrobe. On the other side, in the middle of a wintry forest, she finds Mr. Tumnus (Hector Jimenez). He welcomes Lucy to Gnarnia. Feeling a burst of compassion, he manages to warn Lucy of the danger she is in. Edward follows Lucy to Gnarnia and meets the White Bitch (Jennifer Coolidge). She convinces him to trap the other orphans and he can be the king of Gnarnia in her White Castle. All four main characters make their way to Mr. Tumnus’ house, where the orphans discover that they are all related to one another, and that the White Bitch killed their parents. They ally themselves with Harry Beaver (Katt Williams), Tumnus’ life partner. While this is occurring, Peter becomes Superman, but in the dream he gets shot in the eye and causing him to falls off the building, only to find out it is a nightmare. Edward sneaks off to the White Bitch’s castle, despite realizing she intends evil. Edward refuses to tell the White Bitch where his friends are, so she flashes him her breasts, hypnotizing him into giving up the information on the orphans; he is then imprisoned. The White Bitch sends Silas after the trio; Tumnus sacrifices himself to ensure their safety.
They end up meeting a graying Harry Potter (Kevin McDonald), along with a balding Ron Weasley (George Alvarez), and a pregnant Hermione Granger (Crista Flanagan) at Hogwarts, and other characters from famous movies. They all help Lucy, Susan, and Peter train for the war against the White Bitch. It’s soon revealed she plans to create a new continent for her followers via a magic crystal; she acknowledges this is the same plot as Superman Returns. Edward escapes with the assistance of Captain Jack Swallows (Darrell Hammond), only to find out later that it was a ruse as the Captain, the Bitch’s old enemy, needs intelligence out of Edward. Jack is then stabbed by the White Bitch as the crystal is thrown in the ocean and grows, putting the witch’s plan in motion.
Upon finishing their training, Lucy, Susan, and Peter head to the camp of Aslo (Fred Willard). Aslo agrees to help Edward, and he manages to kill Silas, but while breaking Edward out, Aslo is slain by the White Bitch. Despite this, the ungrateful orphans have a pre-battle party, during which Peter and Mystique (who, along with the others who bullied Peter, had come to help the trio) get in bed where Mystique asks what he would like her to be and Peter asks for big hooters and a ghetto booty which he says is a lot of junk in the trunk which she replies kinky. He then asks for badonkadonk, but then changes his mind for a mono-brow. He finally asks for big flabby grandma arms which disgusts her and he yells bingo wings like a fat blue Brittney Spears and then says come here and they have sex. Susan gets drunk and vomits everywhere; this so disgusts their new army that nobody shows up to help the orphans the next day. Despite the presence of a revenge-craving Jack on a giant wooden wheel, the four siblings are easily dispatched by the enemy. Peter is about to be slain when he finds the remote from Click using the device’s reality altering powers to save his siblings; they kill the army and erase the White Bitch’s plot. Although the others attempt to kill her while frozen, Peter declares the White Bitch will receive a fair and just trial in the new Narnia as it will be under a democracy. However, before it can be done, Jack’s wheel accidentally crushes her. The four are crowned the new rulers of the land: Peter the Heroic; Susan the Just; Edward the Loyal; and Lucy the Dumb-shit. Tumnus then shows up, having survived his battle with Silas. Decades later, the four now elderly rulers find the wardrobe again. They appear moments after they had left, now young again. They meet Borat (Danny Jacobs), who congratulates them on a happy ending but, then, the four are accidentally run over by Jack’s wheel. Borat is mad with himself for saying it was a happy ending, so he slaps his butt, ending the film.
Extended version
The unrated, longer version (released in the United Kingdom as the “Rude & Crude Unseen Version”) of the film features some scenes not shown in the theatrical version. In the last scene, Willy Wonka, instead of Borat, comes in and says: “I told you it was going to be an epic adventure.” Willy Wonka then goes in the wardrobe and puts out a “do not disturb” sign that refers to the girl in the wardrobe. The Oompa-Loompas come in and start singing the Willy Wonka theme song. The four are then crushed by the wheel. Also, during the scene where Lucy is crushed under the junk that falls out of the “Narnia” closet, the girl who runs out is nude, as opposed to wearing a bikini. In the Snakes on a Plane scene, when the Samuel L. Jackson lookalike yells, he replaces “goddamn” with “motherfuckin'”. In the sex scene with mystique, Peter follows big hooters with the words silver dollar nipples.
The jokes were funny but the plot was a little weird. You have to be knowledgeable about recent movies to get the jokes though because this is a spoof. All in all, it was hilarious. Crispin Glover is excellent here spoofing Willa Wonka. This movie got a lot of bad reviews because eople are being too critical and uptight about it