REVIEW: SCARY MOVIE V

CAST

Ashley Tisdale (High School Musical)
Simon Rex (The Forsaken)
Erica Ash (Minna no le)
Katrina Bowden (Piranha 3DD)
Terry Crews (White Chicks)
Jasmine Guy (The Vampire Diaries)
Darrell Hammond (Epic Movie)
Sarah Hyland (Vampire Academy)
Heather Locklear (Return of Swamp Thing)
J.P. Manoux (Scooby-Doo)
Bow Wow (Smallville)
Jerry O’Connell (Scream queens)
Tyler Posey (Teen Wolf)
Molly Shannon (Bad Teacher)
Snoop Dgg (Training Day)
Charlie Sheen (Two and a Half Men)
Lindsay Lohan (Mean Girls)

Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan get together to make a sex tape with over 20 cameras beside Sheen’s bed. The time-lapsed tape fast forwards through the two doing all sorts of bedroom antics, including gymnastics, riding a horse, and having clowns jump in under the sheets. Sheen is pulled into the air by a paranormal force and thrown against walls, shelves, and doors until he lands on the bed again. Lohan is frightened so she decides to go home when she flies into the air as well; she becomes possessed and throws him into the camera and kills him. The text explains that Sheen’s body was found that day but he didn’t stop partying until days later, and that his three kids were found missing, Lohan was arrested, again, and a reward was put out for the missing children.
Several months later, Ja’Marcus (Snoop Dogg) and D’Andre (Mac Miller) are walking in the Humboldt County woods in California in search of cannabis plants to steal. After stealing one and fleeing, they take shelter in a cabin in the woods. Upon entering they see three strange creatures, later confirmed to be Sheen’s children, and turn them in for the reward. The feral children are placed in isolation at a child development research center for a few months until they are deemed well enough to be returned to familial custody. When Sheen’s brother, Dan Sanders (Simon Rex) and his wife Jody (Ashley Tisdale) come to collect them, they are told they can have them if they agree to stay in a large suburban middle-class home fitted with security cameras. Jody is reluctant to take the kids at first but soon adjusts to having them. In an attempt to bond with their new children, Jody auditions for a ballet performance, Swan Lake, and is cast in the lead role as the Swan Queen.
Meanwhile, a continuing pattern of bizarre paranormal activity in their new home makes them investigate further. They eventually learn from the children that the attacks on their home are by “Mama”, the mother of the children, who is under a curse and is trying to get them back so she can sacrifice both herself and the children. Maria, the couple’s Hispanic live-in maid, is frightened and keeps experimenting with various rituals, Catholic and otherwise, to ward off the evil spirits in the house. During the day, Dan is frustrated with the modest progress of his test subjects at a primate intelligence research facility; ironically, Dan is not bright enough to realize that one of the chimpanzees, Caesar, is now actually much smarter than he is.
Jody and Dan, with the help of Jody’s close friend Kendra Brooks (Erica Ash), who Jody met at her ballet class, must quickly find a way to lift the curse and save their family. Along the way, they seek the assistance of psychic Blaine Fulda, who turns out to be a complete fraud, and a dream extractor named Dom Kolb (Ben Kornish), who helps them understand that the solution to their problems lies in the mysterious Book of the Dead. However, Jody and Kendra fail to see what the book is capable of, oblivious to four friends continuously becoming possessed and reviving in the cabin. They wreak havoc when either of the two read the two passages of the book; one that unleashes demons, “gort klaatu barada nikto”, and the other that revives them from possession. When “Mama” takes the children to a cliff to sacrifice them, Jody fails to lift the curse with the book, but does manage to knock the evil spirit into Ja’Marcus and D’Andre’s pool containing a live shark, which then devours her.
Realizing the love for her adopted children is all she needs in life, Jody gives the part of the Swan Queen to Kendra, who performs the dance in the style to that of a stripper. The performance is heavily applauded by an audience that includes Jody, Dan, the children, and Madea. The story’s narrator is revealed to be Caesar, who then informs the audience that the humans should enjoy as much time they had on earth and says that apes will one day take over the world. In a post-credits scene, Sheen wakes up, with Dom Kolb sitting beside him, from a dream extraction, i.e. the whole movie was a dream. After Kolb informs that Sheen will be sleeping with Lohan, a car crashes into the room, killing Sheen. Revealing Lohan as the driver, she gets out of the car, says to Kolb “You were driving” and throws him the keys, blaming the accident on him.

Scary Movie 5 has some genuine funny moments, but too few & far to be consistent like it’s predecessors. The script is weak, with too much scraping the bottom of the barrel repetitive visual comedy, Simon Rex getting beaten up umteen times in identical fashion get’s unfunny, fast. And it lacks any real believable flow connecting all the spoofed films together. Iv’e liked all the previous Scary Movie films, but this is the first one iv’e had to force myself to sit all the way through.

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REVIEW: SCARY MOVIE 4

CAST

Anna Faris (Mom)
Regina Hall (Love & Basketball)
Craig Bierko (Kate & Leopold)
Leslie Nielsen (The Naked Gun)
Bill Pullman (The Grudge)
Chris Elliott (How I Met Your Mother)
Vanessa Minnillo (Disaster Movie)
Michael Madsen (Powers)
Molly Shannon (Bad Teacher)
Beau Mirchoff (The Grudge 3)
Conchita Campbell (Pursued)
Anthony Anderson (Transformers)
Kevin Hart (Death at a Funeral)
Cloris Leachman (Sky High)
Simon Rex (Superhero Movie)
Charlie Sheen (Two and a Half Men)
James Earl Jones (Star Wars)
Crystal Lowe (Poison Ivy 4)

Shaquille O’Neal and Dr. Phil awaken to find themselves chained to pipes in a spoof of Saw. Their host, Billy the Puppet, reveals the room is filling with nerve gas. The only way to get the saws was to make a basket. Shaq misses twice, injuring Phil, but still managed to get the saws. Phil realizes they have to cut through their own feet. Shaq tricks Phil into doing so, but accidentally saws off the wrong foot, inadvertently leaving both men to die. In New York, Cindy Campbell visits her former brother-in-law Tom Logan. Her husband George has died and her nephew Cody is at military school, leaving her lonely. Tom, sick of listening to her, tries to commit suicide by overdosing on sleeping pills. However, he mistakenly ingests Viagra, resulting in a painful death when he tumbles over the balustrade and lands on his absurdly erect penis. Cindy takes a job caring for an old lady, Mrs. Norris, who lives in a haunted house.Cindy’s new neighbour, Tom Ryan, runs into George’s old friends, Mahalik and CJ, who unintentionally reveal they had a homosexual one-night stand since a Brokeback Mountain-like trip to the mountains. Tom returns home, where his former wife Marilyn has arrived with his children, Robbie and Rachel, both of whom resent their father.The next morning, Cindy confides in Tom the tragic death of her husband George during the her Million Dollar Baby-like last match of her boxing career. As Cindy and Tom realize their love for each other and kiss, the sky suddenly experiences a freak storm, leaving all motorized vehicles in the world without power; even bikes, skateboards and bombs won’t move or work. Meanwhile, in a War of the Worlds reference, a gigantic object called triPod emerges from the ground to play “Karma Chameleon” before switching to “Destroy Humanity” and vaporizing people. Cindy runs back home and encounters the house’s resident ghost, Toshio.
Cindy tries to communicate using mock Japanese, The Japanese boy reveals that the answer to the invasion lies in his father’s heart. Tom leaves Cindy and flees with his children to an undisclosed location. While visiting Edna R. Penhall Elementary School, U.S. President Baxter Harris receives news of the alien attack. Unfortunately, Harris is more interested by the reading of “My Pet Duck”, and fails to respond appropriately. The situation only worsens when his aide explains that the duck dies, and the aide explains that the aliens are vaporizing people, which leads for the president to exclaim that all of these children’s parents could be dead, which culminates in a violent riot by the children. On his way out the president asks his aide to remind him to sign the abortion bill.
Cindy reunites with her old friend Brenda Meeks, now a local reporter despite having died in the previous film. Meanwhile, Mahalik and CJ are working as sewer inspectors, but when they get out of the sewer a horde of zombie-like people start to attack them. They easily fight back although one of them is Mahalik’s grandma. He keeps telling her how much he loves her while beating her up at the same time, finally throwing her into the sewers at the end (a loose parody of Shaun of the Dead). Cindy and Brenda manage to find the last working car and follow the directions left by Toshio. Soon, they discover a mysterious village which resembles a pseudo-Amish community. Unfortunately, they are captured and taken into a court to have their fate decided by village leader Henry Hale (Bill Pullman). During the trial, Hale’s blind daughter, Holly, stumbles into the courtroom thinking she’s alone. She strips and has a large bowel movement in front of everyone. To the consternation of the crowded courtroom, Hale rules that Cindy and Brenda may stay in the village, but never leave.
Later, at an emergency session of the United Nations (UN), U.S. President Harris follows a round of offensive jokes with the unveiling of a weapon designed to combat the aliens. Scientists have modified the heat ray captured from one of the triPods into having the opposite effect of destroying bodies, leaving only clothes behind. The UN gets an unexpected and quite unwelcome demonstration when Harris unwittingly causes the ray to render everybody stark naked, beginning with himself. In a nearby field strewn with red weed, Tom and his children still are driving the car while most people try to steal it, which succeeds after a man points a gun to his head and they switch the wrong items. Later they run into a battle between the U.S. military and the triPods. Robbie decides to join the fight, excited by the graphic violence. While Tom tries to dissuade him, Michael Jackson tries to persuade Rachel to come along – but Tom manages to stop her in time, leaving the singer to be repeatedly disintegrated until only his plastic nose remains.
Tom and Rachel flee into a house guarded by the lunatic Oliver, but their respite is short-lived when father and daughter are captured by a triPod. Back in the village, Henry gets stabbed by the mentally challenged village idiot Ezekiel. A dying Henry explains to Cindy and Brenda that he is the father of Toshio, who was killed during the mass accident at Cindy’s boxing match. However, various events conspire against Henry revealing the full story, finally culminating in Cindy and Brenda being caught by the Command triPod. The main characters wake up in the same bathroom from the opening. Cindy and Brenda find themselves wearing “Venus Fly Traps” and Tom wearing an absurd device designed to shoot a pole up his behind. Then Billy appears on the TV and tells them Cindy has 60 seconds to retrieve the key.
After much prompting, Cindy realises that she has to retrieve the key from behind her eye – which she does without trouble, since the key was behind a glass eye she got following a “bad bar fight in ’96”. Then both Rachel and Robbie come down from the ceiling, to be sliced into pieces unless Tom holds onto their rope. Billy then unleashes a bully-like device on Tom,then,a lethal torture device where his kids would be saved ,but he would suffer a terrible death. As Tom is being tortured, Cindy notices the toilet that has a heart drawn on it and discovers pictures of Billy with Henry’s wife and Toshio. Realising that Billy was the boy’s biological father and the entire invasion is revenge for his son’s death, Cindy pleads him to call off the invasion.Brenda enters a secret room behind a trap door and appears on the TV with Billy, who takes unkindly to Brenda’s appearance. Brenda starts attacking Billy, but Billy calls in his brother Zoltar for help. Brenda then tackles Zoltar off the screen. After seeing how far Tom would go to save his children’s lives at the cost of his own, Billy spares their lives and impatiently apologizes for killing millions of people and allows them to depart from the bathroom. Before Cindy, Tom, Robbie, and Rachel leave, Cindy asks where Brenda is and Brenda and Zoltar appear to which Brenda reveals she had an affair with Zoltar.
In an epilogue set nine months later, Brenda gives birth to the child of Zoltar, CJ and Mahalik resume their relationship, and President Harris is seen sleeping with a duck. James Earl Jones narrates mankind’s victory through love, before being run over by a passing bus. Meanwhile, Tom appears on The Oprah Winfrey Show, crazy for attention. Ultimately, following various increasingly destructive antics that include flipping, swinging, manically throwing Cindy off the stage with crazy love, breaking Oprah Winfrey’s hands and knocking her with a chair, Tom rushes towards the camera as the screen goes black, and shows the movies’ main title.
Another you either love it or you hate it, but If you love the  Scary Movies then its an easy choice to watch this

REVIEW: SCARY MOVIE 3

CAST

Anna Faris (Mom)
Regina Hall (Love & Basketball)
Simon Rex (Superhero Movie)
Charlie Sheen (Two and a Half Men)
Leslie Nielsen (The Naked Gun)
Queen Latifah (Bringing Down The House)
Anthony Anderson (Transformers)
Kevin Hart (Death at a Funeral)
Camryn Manheim (Eraser)
George Carlin (Dogma)
Eddie Griffin (The New Guy)
Pamela Anderson (Scooby-Doo)
Jenny McCarthy (Scream 3)
Denise Richards (Valentine)
Ajay Naidu (Office Space)
Tom Kenny (The Batman)

Katie (Jenny McCarthy) and Becky (Pamela Anderson) are talking about a tape, which Katie thinks is a sex tape, but Becky refers to a cursed tape (The Ring). After several odd occurrences, they die. In a farm outside Washington, D.C., widowed farmer and former reverend Tom Logan (Charlie Sheen) and his clumsy younger brother George (Simon Rex) discover a crop circle, saying “Attack Here!” .Meanwhile, Cindy Campbell (Anna Faris), now a blonde news reporter, announces the crop circles on the news. She then goes to pick up her paranormally endowed nephew Cody (Drew Mikuska) from school, where her best friend Brenda Meeks (Regina Hall) is his teacher. George Logan arrives to pick up his niece Sue, Tom’s daughter, who is in the same class. Cindy falls in love with George, who invites her and Brenda to a rap-battle with his rapper friends Mahalik (Anthony Anderson) and CJ (Kevin Hart) (8 Mile). George competes and proves to be actually quite talented, but due to unintentional racist blunders, he’s thrown out.Later, Brenda asks Cindy to keep her company, since she watched the cursed videotape. After playing several pranks on Cindy (fake seizures, burning hand, etc.), she gets the rest of the popcorn in the lounge, when the TV turns on. Brenda fails to turn it off. Tabitha (Marny Eng) climbs out of the well and the TV, Brenda gets into a fight with Tabitha. Tabitha ends up killing Brenda, since Cindy is ignoring the ruckus. George receives a phone call about the death, and Tom meets with Sayaman, who apologizes for the accident involving himself and Tom’s wife Annie (Denise Richards).During Brenda’s wake, George and Mahalik, due to a misunderstanding, wreak havoc on Brenda’s corpse in an unsuccessful attempt to revive her, only to blow up her body and end up getting kicked out of the house. Later, Cindy decides to watch the tape, finding it odd. She then gets a phone call, saying she’ll die in a week. She calls George, CJ and Mahalik for help. CJ offers that his Aunt Shaneequa might be able to help. Aunt Shaneequa (Queen Latifah), the Matrix Oracle, and her husband Orpheus (Eddie Griffin) agree to watch the tape. Shaneequa discovers the hidden image of a lighthouse, and gets into a fight with Tabitha’s mother. Shaneequa tells Cindy to find the lighthouse to break the curse. When Cindy returns home, she finds Cody watched the tape.Back at work, Cindy searches through pictures of lighthouses before finding the one from the tape. Desperate to save Cody, Cindy tries to warn everyone by entering a message into the news anchor’s teleprompter, but she is interrupted by her boss and a janitor who insults the manager on the teleprompter (which the anchorman blindly recites). The Logans hear the message and take it seriously since they encountered an alien disguised as Michael Jackson (Edward Moss), and President Baxter Harris (Leslie Nielsen), who personally visits the farm to investigate the crop circles. Cindy ventures to the lighthouse, where she encounters The Architect (George Carlin).The loquacious (and lecherous) old man explains Tabitha was his evil adopted daughter, whom his wife drowned in the farm’s well, but not before she imprinted her evil onto the tape. Unfortunately, he mistook the evil tape for a copy of Pootie Tang and returned it to Blockbuster instead, unleashing the curse. When Cindy asks about how this relates to the Aliens, the Architect speculates that Tabitha is summoning them to aid her in destroying the human race.Returning home, Cindy discovers her station has been broadcasting the evil tape for hours, and there have been various sightings of aliens around the world. Worse, Cody is missing. Cindy manages to track him back to the Logan farm, where he has taken refuge with George. Tom orders everybody into the basement for safety, as he, George and Mahalik go outside to fight off the extraterrestrials. The aliens (voiced by Tom Kenny) arrive but reveal they are friendly and have come to stop Tabitha, since they accidentally watched the tape on a broadcast they had intercepted, thinking it was Pootie Tang. In the basement, Cindy realizes the farm’s cellar is what is seen on the tape and she finds the well where Tabitha was drowned under the cellar floor. Suddenly, Tabitha appears behind her. A short fight ensues, during which Tabitha takes Cody hostage. Cindy and George appeal to her, offering her a place in their family. Tabitha appears to accept the offer, but then changes back to her monstrous form and advances to Cindy and the others, only to be accidentally knocked back into the well by President Harris. The aliens leave in peace, and Cindy and George get married. Leaving for their honeymoon, they realize they forget to take Cody with them. At first, Cody is about to get hit by Cindy’s car in an intersection, but she put the brakes this time to prevent it from happening, much to Cody’s relief. Unfortunately, causing Cody to be hit by another car passing through the intersection.Admittedly, the plot of this film is a bit of a shambles, and as a film it lacks the consistency of Hot Shots and the Naked Gun films. However, the film is very funny, with some great visual gags and bad taste comedy.

REVIEW: SCARY MOVIE 2

Image result for SCARY MOVIE 2 DVD

CAST

Anna Faris (Mom)
Marlon Wayans (Fifty Shades of Black)
Regina Hall (Love & Basketball)
Shawn Wayans (Little Man)
Chris Masterson (American History X)
Kathleen Robertson (Bates Motel)
David Cross (Kill Your Darlings)
James Woods (Another Day In Paradise)
Tim Curry (IT)
Tori Spelling (Samllville)
Chris Elliott (How I Met Your Mother)
Andy Richter (Dr. Dolittle 2)
Richard Moll (Scooby Doo 4)
Veronica Cartwirght (The Birds)
Natasha Lyonne (American Pie)
James DeBello (Cabin Fever)

The film opens with a parody of The Exorcist, during which a teenage girl, Megan Voorhees (Natasha Lyonne), becomes possessed by the spirit of Hugh Kane, the previous owner of the House. Megan’s mother (Veronica Cartwright) calls in two priests, Father McFeely (James Woods) and Father Harris (Andy Richter), who visit the house. After Father McFeely pays a trip to the toilet, the men attempt to drive Hugh’s ghost out, but the exorcism does not go as planned, resulting in a chain of projectile vomit and various instances of pedophilia. Finally, Father McFeely responds to an insult towards his mother by shooting Megan.Meanwhile, Cindy Campbell, Brenda Meeks, Ray Wilkins, and Shorty Meeks are at college, trying to live new lives following the events of the previous film (although most of them actually died in the first film, Brenda claims in a deleted scene that her death was a near-death experience). Cindy and Brenda get tagged by a socially maladjusted girl, Alex (Tori Spelling). Shorty is still the same stoner he was before. Ray, still confused about his sexuality, has two new male friends, Tommy (James DeBello) and Buddy (Christopher Masterson).A charming (yet lecherous) teacher, Professor Oldman (Tim Curry) and his paraplegic assistant, Dwight Hartman (David Cross), plan to study the paranormal activity at a local haunted mansion called Hell House (the same house involved in the opening scene) using the clueless teens. Meanwhile, Buddy’s advances are spurned by Cindy, who is recovering from her previous relationship. When Cindy is the first to arrive at Hell House, she encounters a vulgar parrot (Matt Friedman), and the caretaker, Hanson (Chris Elliot), who has a badly malformed hand. Later that evening, the group, including sexy newcomer Theo (Kathleen Robertson), sit down for dinner. Unfortunately, everybody loses their appetite due to Hanson’s repulsive antics.In the night, Cindy hears voices directing her to a secret room, where she and Buddy discover a treasure chest containing the diary of the wife of the house’s deceased owner, Hugh Kane (Richard Moll). They also find an old portrait of the wife and note Cindy’s resemblance to her. Meanwhile, many of the teens fall victim to violent attacks. The ghost of Hugh Kane has sex with Alex in her bedroom, yet departs in the morning when Alex expresses her interest in becoming the new Mrs. Kane. Cindy gets involved in a fistfight with the house cat, Mr. Kittles. A toy clown (Suli McCullough) attempts to kill Ray—but thanks to some quick thinking, Ray perversely turns the tables and rapes the clown. A weed-monster turns Shorty into a joint and tries to smoke him—fortunately, the plant gets distracted by munchies and lets him escape.Oldman is seduced and killed by the disfigured ghost of the murdered mistress. Shorty later encounters the same ghost, yet he seduces her instead. After Dwight equips the teens with weapons that can injure their spectral enemy, they are pursued throughout the mansion. Buddy and Cindy get locked in the refrigerator. Thinking that Buddy is dying from an encounter with the ghost, Cindy gives him a handjob, only to end up being blasted to the door by an explosion of Buddy’s semen (something reminiscent of her sexual moment with Bobby Prinze in the first film). The couple then escape the room following a convoluted deus ex machina, in which Cindy uses a collection of random objects in the room to somehow produce a Caterpillar tractor, which she drives through the wall.Hanson himself gets possessed by Kane. Hanson kidnaps Shorty, who has put himself on drugs. Cindy discovers Hanson cooking a meal for Shorty in the dining room. Hanson has cut the top of Shorty’s head off. When Hanson takes off the top of Shorty’s head, his brain is a small man rapping (Beetlejuice). Cindy, Brenda, and Theo team up to fight him, but wind up defeated when they are in their bra and underwear. Eventually, Dwight and the teens regroup, and agree to use Cindy as bait to lure Kane into a device that will destroy him. Just as they activate the device, they realize Cindy is still standing on it. Ray springs to action and saves her. The plan succeeds, freeing the group from the house’s curse.Image result for SCARY MOVIE 2Two months later, Cindy and Buddy are in a relationship and go out for a walk. However, Buddy disappears without notice when Cindy discovers Hanson at the hot dog stand. As Cindy backs away in fear, Hanson pursues her, and, in the midst of screaming, gets struck by a red car driven by Shorty, who is receiving a blowjob from the ghost that he seduced earlier in the film. This scene is similar to the ending scene in the first film, where a car strikes Cindy while she is screaming. The song that Shorty is listening to in the car during the ending scene is Ride Wit Me by Nelly, and the song continues into the credits as the movie ends.The Sequel to the awesome Scary Movie film will not dissapoint and has quite a lot of funny moments, the waynes brothers deliver a enjoyable film spoofing horror films. The whole the film has a lot of laughs to be had.