REVIEW: SCREAM, QUEEN! MY NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET

Scream, Queen! My Nightmare on Elm Street (2019)

Featuring

Mark Patton (Amityville IV)
Cecil Baldwin (Gravity Falls)
Robert Englund (Freddy vs Jason)
Robert Rusler (Babylon 5)
Marshall Bell (Starship Troopers)
Kim Myers (Hellraiser: Bloodlines)
Clu Gulager (Feast)
JoAnn Willette (Real Genius)
Linnea Quigley (Graduation Day)
Jeffrey Marcus (Frozen)
Joshua Grannell (The Diary of a Teenage Girl)
Heather Langenkamp (New Nightmare)

Mark Patton in A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985)While there have been a few lengthy explorations of the “Nightmare on Elm Street” series, “Scream, Queen! My Nightmare on Elm Street” doesn’t have much interest in the screen wrath and pop culture influence of Freddy Krueger. Instead, filmmakers Roman Chimienti and Tyler Jensen quest to spotlight the life of Mark Patton, the star of 1985’s “A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge,” who was set to hit the big time with his turn as Jesse, the boy tormented by the razor-fingered menace, only to find himself crucified by viewers for the gay overtones of the movie created by screenwriter David Chaskin. Patton was destroyed by the experience, erasing his desire to continue acting, but “Freddy’s Revenge” wouldn’t go away, growing in popularity and analysis as the years passed, giving the feature a second life, while Patton was singled out as the first male scream queen, complicating his relationship with a despised horror sequel he thought would rocket him to the big time.Mark Patton in A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985)Patton labels “Scream, Queen!” as a “testimony,” not journalism, permitting cameras to follow him as he embarks on a 2015 tour of horror conventions. Going around the country, Patton engages with fans, but these are people he never knew existed, as the actor elected to keep away from his grim reality in Hollywood, moving to Mexico to set up shop on a dusty road, finding peace far away from his past life. The Patton on display in the documentary is eager to be of service, taking the responsibility of these paid interactions seriously, greeting all sorts of “Fred Heads” who are quick to share their fandom and, most importantly, their gratitude. Amazingly, over the decades since the release of “Freddy’s Revenge,” Jesse has become a gay icon, with the saga of the meek, feminine boy possessed by the rage of a movie maniac becoming a beacon for LGBTQ viewers, with some experiencing the first stirrings of something special within while watching the feature.Kim Myers and Mark Patton in A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985)While film nerds and horror hounds have been aware of this resurgence of interest in “Freddy’s Revenge,” the news comes as a surprise to Patton, who experienced hellacious mockery and bullying for his portrayal of Jesse, exposed to the worst criticism and, later in life, the full blast of online ugliness, with fans singling him out as the element that ruined the hotly anticipated follow-up to “A Nightmare on Elm Street.” “Scream, Queen!” explores his reunion with “Freddy’s Revenge,” but Chimienti and Jensen aren’t making a movie documentary, instead using the event to dig deeper into Patton’s life, which was filled with promise before participation in the sequel. “Scream, Queen!” tracks Patton’s upbringing with his troubled family and his initial move to New York City, using his naivety to land an agent, soon embarking on a career in commercials and eventually scoring a role on Broadway, working with Cher on “Come Back to the 5 & Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean,” where he received his first taste of the fame he craved.Mark Patton in A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985)Patton was primed for the big time, but he was also a gay man in an industry that didn’t want to acknowledge such a thing, forcing him to lead two lives in a way. “Scream, Queen!” inspects his private life, falling in love with “Dallas” actor Timothy Patrick Murphy, and it also details the experience of AIDS in the 1980s, with the disease destroying the gay community, forcing professionals to experience agony in secret, including Patton, who couldn’t bear the extraordinary homophobia of the era. A surprising amount of screen time is devoted to an understanding of the AIDS crisis and Patton’s own battles during the decade, which turned him into an advocate while taking on his own health issues. While “Scream, Queen!” deals with “Freddy’s Revenge,” Chimienti and Jensen also have something to share about the personal struggles of gay men facing a dire future of illness and condemnation, with Patton emotionally recalling his survival during a harrowing time.Robert Englund and Mark Patton in A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985)“Scream, Queen!” returns to “Freddy’s Revenge,” highlighting its resurgence of popularity and critical examination, with the filmmakers visiting a college classroom and revival screenings to capture this newfound excitement over what’s now proudly considered to be classic by gay audiences, appreciated for its camp appeal (including Jesse’s awkward bedroom dance) and dark fantasies. If there’s a villain to be found in the documentary, it’s Chaskin, who for years blamed Patton for the erasure of his “subtext,” only to claim ownership of the material when the movie returned to prominence. Patton wants to confront the screenwriter, making the feature one long trip to this uneasy sit-down, which permits the actor a chance to share his complex feelings on the matter, purging himself of anger (director Jack Sholder coldly tells Patton to “get over it”). “Elm Street” fans are sure to enjoy this arc of the picture, which reunites Patton with his friendly co-stars (including Kim Myers and Robert Rusler), getting to the heart of issues surrounding “Freddy’s Revenge,” though curiously missing is Patton’s own assessment of the sequel. “Scream, Queen! My Nightmare on Elm Street” packs a lot of material into its run time, following extreme highs and lows, but the helmers never lose sight of Patton and his intimate journey, with the actor coming to terms with his position as Jesse the Scream Queen, finding closure as he finally deals with the role that forever changed his life.

25 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS REVIEW: DONKEY’S CHRISTMAS SHREKTACULAR

CAST

Mike Myers (Austin Powers)
Eddie Murphy (Dr. Dolittle)
Antonio Banderas (Puss-In-Boots)
Cameron Diaz (Bad Teacher)
Jon Hamm (The A-Team 2010)

7691544cfca7c27ef4There’s little to be said about ‘Donkey’s Caroling Christmas-tacular’, as it is merely a swift celebration of the ‘Shrek’ universe. Unlike the films, which have an emotional tie for Shrek’s character, this short is lacking a sense of story progression, which is a small shame in some way because ‘Christmas-tacular’ marks a return to eccentric, unrelenting humour in the manner of the original film and the first sequel; that is, a constant barrage of visual and verbal puns that the producers behind the third and fourth movies could not quite replicate, despite their best efforts.

Every one is catered for with screen time shared equally between Shrek’s ever-popular family and friends, the joy of which is found in discovering the festive season through the perspective of a flea-ridden cat, or a living party snack. It is characterisation like this that contributes to the endearing nature of the series. ‘Christmas-tacular’ doesn’t quite hit a home run like ‘Shrek the Halls’ before it, as that short successfully intertwined a simple plot that added the necessary weight to contain the sheer madness that punctuates nearly every moment of this franchise. However, Donkey’s festivities are a great way to kick-start your own Christmas season.

25 DAYS CHRISTMAS REVIEW: SHREK THE HALLS

CAST

Mike Myers (Austin Powers)
Eddie Murphy (Dr. Dolittle)
Cameron Diaz (Knight and Day)
Antonio Banderas (The Mask of Zorro)

The special is set shortly after the events of Shrek the Third (and before the events of Shrek Forever After), as Shrek and Fiona’s children are still infants. Shrek (Mike Myers) is quietly living in the swamp with his family when the Christmas season arrives. Under Donkey’s (Eddie Murphy) urging, Shrek reluctantly promises Princess Fiona (Cameron Diaz) a special Christmas surprise. Shrek goes to the local bookstore in Far, Far Away to try to find a present for Fiona, but since he does not know what Christmas is all about, the shopkeeper (Marissa Jaret Winokur) gives Shrek a copy of Christmas For Village Idiots, a step-by-step guide to celebrating the holiday. Shrek proceeds to follow the book’s advice by decorating the house and getting a tree so he can spend a quiet Christmas Eve with his family, but Donkey brings the entire “family” to the swamp, ruining Shrek’s plans.
As Shrek tries to tell his own version of “A Visit from St. Nicholas (The Night Before Christmas)”; Gingy (Conrad Vernon), Donkey, and Puss in Boots (Antonio Banderas) interrupt and each tell their own version of a Christmas story. Donkey tells of floats coming to the swamp. At the end, Donkey tells of licking an enormous Santa figure that is made out of waffles, but in reality he accidentally starts licking Shrek’s leg. Puss tells his version of the story of Santa Claus, but ends up playing with the ball point of his Santa hat, while in reality he is playing with one of the baubles from the christmas tree. However, Gingy’s story is not happy, but horrifying, as he tells about how his girlfriend Suzy got eaten up by Santa Claus. To which Donkey finds it unbelievable, with Gingy screaming “You weren’t there!”. Donkey finds Shrek’s Christmas for Village Idiots book, and the ensuing fight over the book destroys all of Shrek’s decorations, furniture and the tree. Shrek then loses his temper and ends up ejecting his friends from his house.

With the Christmas spirit ruined, Fiona and Shrek have a talk, after which she takes the children and leaves the swamp to go and apologize to their friends. Shrek feels downhearted that Christmas Eve did not go as he hoped it would, and he looks at one of Donkey’s Christmas cards that says, From Donkey & family. Fiona catches up to their friends and explains to Donkey what Shrek had wanted for Christmas. Shrek catches up with the group, and apologizes for losing his temper. Donkey is shocked to learn that this is Shrek’s first Christmas, because “ogres don’t celebrate anything.” Donkey also apologizes for being annoying, and explains that Christmas never goes as planned and according to his mother, “‘Christmas ain’t Christmas until somebody cries’, and that’s usually me.” After a snowball fight, the friends return to the swamp, and Shrek tells his story, featuring Ogre Claus. Soon they hear bells and go outside to see Santa and his reindeer, although Gingy runs back inside screaming in terror.It’s a must for Shrek fans and anyone who just wants a different Christmas film to watch at xmas. I should also say this Dvd has loads of special features on it aswell as the film

HALLOWEEN OF HORROR REVIEW: SCARED SHREKLESS

CAST
Mike Myers (Austin Powers)
Dean Edwards (Spider-Man 3)
Cameron Diaz (Vanilla Sky)
Kristen Schaal (Norbit)
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It is Halloween night, and Shrek’s family is celebrating by scaring trick-or-treaters. Inside their house, Donkey, Puss, Pinocchio, the Three Little Pigs, Big Bad Wolf, and Gingy fail to scare the ogres, and Shrek claims that nothing can scare an ogre because ogres are “the kings of Halloween”. To prove him wrong, Donkey proposes a challenge to see who can tell the scariest story, but Shrek amps it up by choosing to hold their contest in Lord Farquaad’s abandoned castle Duloc.

The Bride of Gingy

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Gingy starts first with a story about his girlfriend dumping him and asking the Muffin Man for a new girlfriend, made with loads of sugar, thus giving her the name “Sugar” as revealed in the credits. Gingy becomes happy with her but ends up becoming freaked out of all her love for him. After running away and pushing her in a big container of batter, he finally becomes free of her, unaware that the batter Sugar was dropped in ended up creating thousands of zombie clones of herself, surrounding Gingy and eating him. The Three Little Pigs get scared and run away with Big Bad Wolf who claims they are his ride. Shrek comments on the falsehood of Gingy’s “true” story, saying that he cannot be there if he was eaten, and he runs off as well.

Boots Motel

Scared-Shrekless-images-34c97685-0314-4f2d-a99f-e7980573faa
Next, Donkey and Puss in Boots tell a story about them taking shelter from a thunderstorm at the Boots Motel (a parody of the Bates Motel from Psycho). Their story starts off well, but they end up arguing over how the story should be told, and then resort to just making each other look bad. Donkey gets Pinocchio to spray Puss with water, making him run away.

The Shreksorcist

At last, Shrek tells the final story about his experience babysitting Pinocchio, who appeared crazed and possessed. After repeatedly beating up Shrek, Pinocchio leapt from the window, despite Shrek’s attempts to catch him. When Pinocchio lands on the streets, a talking cricket pops out of Pinocchio’s head, claiming to be his conscience and the voice in his head that made him go crazy. Pinocchio squashes the cricket under his foot.
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Pinocchio denies that the story is true, but when Shrek shows him a normal cricket, he screams and runs out. Now alone, Donkey and Shrek hear the wind moving about, and a walking suit of armour calling Donkey’s name. It appears to be the ghost of Farquaad, come to take revenge. Scared out of his wits, Donkey admits defeat and runs away. Fiona reveals it was her and the babies who planned the ghost act and then they, along with Shrek, celebrate by egging the Seven Dwarves.
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These tales are  more comical than scary and so the whole anyone should have fun watching this. For adults we have that but also loads of in-jokes, most noticeable of course being visual and story references to Bride of Frankenstein, Psycho, and The Exorcist. Of course these are the ones that most adults should immediately pick up on, but there are also references to other films as well as a literary one to Edward Bulwer-Lytton. Short but sweet this is a good little piece of entertainment .

REVIEW: BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY

Starring

Rami Malek (Mr. Robot)
Lucy Boynton (Murder On The Orient Express)
Gwilym Lee (The Last Witness)
Ben Hardy (X-Men: Apocalypse)
Joseph Mazzello (Jurssic Park)
Aidan Gillen (Game of Thrones)
Allen Leech (The Imitation Game)
Tom Hollander (Bird Box)
Mike Myers (Wayne’s World)
Aaron McCusker (Shameless)
Meneka Das (Another Year)
Ace Bhatti (Wish 143)
Priya Blackburn (Pulling)
Tim Plester (The Wrong Mans)
Dermot Murphy (Animals)
Michelle Duncan Atonement)

Rami Malek and Gwilym Lee in Bohemian Rhapsody (2018)In 1970 London, Farrokh “Freddie” Bulsara, an Indian Parsi refugee from Zanzibar, studies art at a college while working as a baggage handler at Heathrow Airport. At night, he often goes out with friends to listen to music. One night, after a show at a pub, Freddie goes to find the band, Smile, and with help from an attractive young woman in the hallway, Mary Austin, he finds the band outside and he compliments drummer, Roger Taylor and guitarist, Brian May on their performance. Learning that their lead singer, Tim Staffell, had just quit, Freddie offers himself as a replacement and demonstrates his vocal ability. Later, Freddie goes to Biba and sees Mary. She approaches and helps him choose some clothes, complimenting him on his style. They begin dating and move in together.Joseph Mazzello, Rami Malek, Gwilym Lee, and Ben Hardy in Bohemian Rhapsody (2018)With the addition of Freddie as lead singer, and bassist John Deacon, the band play gigs across Britain, selling out at pubs and universities. Freddie urges the band to think bigger and record an album. After selling their van, they book time late at night in a studio to produce their debut album. While recording with experimental sounds and techniques, an A&R rep from EMI Records watches them. He asks Roy Thomas Baker, the sound engineer, for demos. Soon, Freddie changes the band’s name to Queen and designs their logo. He also legally changes his name to Freddie Mercury.Joseph Mazzello, Rami Malek, and Ben Hardy in Bohemian Rhapsody (2018)The band signs with John Reid, Elton John’s manager, and receives a contract with EMI. An appearance on Top of the Pops gives Queen a hit record, “Killer Queen”. After touring to promote the album, Mary and Freddie become engaged. The album hits the charts in America, and, during the band’s sold out U.S. tour, Freddie begins questioning his sexuality.Rami Malek and Lucy Boynton in Bohemian Rhapsody (2018)In 1975, Queen record their fourth album, A Night at the Opera, but they leave EMI when executive Ray Foster refuses to release the six-minute song “Bohemian Rhapsody” as the album’s lead single. Freddie has DJ and friend Kenny Everett debut the song on the radio. Despite mixed reviews, “Bohemian Rhapsody” becomes a smash hit. During the world tour, Freddie begins an affair with Paul Prenter, the band’s Irish day-to-day manager. Mary breaks up with Freddie when he comes out to her as bisexual, although she assures him that he is gay. Despite this, they remain friends and she moves next door after he purchases an extravagant house in 1980.Rami Malek in Bohemian Rhapsody (2018)The band’s success continues, but tensions arise over the direction of their music and changes in Freddie’s attitude resulting from his relationship with Paul. After a lavish party at his new home, Freddie falls for Jim Hutton, a waiter at the party. They soon part ways, with Jim telling Freddie to find him when he learns to like himself. Following a successful live show performing “We Will Rock You”, Paul puts Reid up to proposing to Freddie that he should pursue a solo career and disband Queen, prompting Freddie to fire him without the consultation of the band, furthering the strain within the group. A press conference to promote the 1982 album, Hot Space, is hijacked by the press, who bombard Freddie with questions about his personal life and sexuality, to which Freddie responds with insults and refusals toward the press.Rami Malek, Gwilym Lee, and Ben Hardy in Bohemian Rhapsody (2018)Freddie’s relationship with his bandmates sours after the “I Want to Break Free” music video, in which the band appears in drag, is banned from MTV. He announces that he has signed a $4 million solo deal with CBS Records, effectively breaking up the band. He moves to Munich in 1984 to work on his first solo album, Mr. Bad Guy, and engages in gay orgies with Paul. Freddie becomes increasingly debauched from drugs and alcohol, and begins to become seriously ill. Mary, now pregnant by her new partner and increasingly concerned about Freddie, visits and urges him to return to the band, as they have been offered a spot in Bob Geldof’s benefit concert, Live Aid at Wembley Stadium.Joseph Mazzello, Rami Malek, and Gwilym Lee in Bohemian Rhapsody (2018)Discovering that Paul withheld this news from him, an enraged Freddie severs ties with him, having finally had enough of Paul’s lies and manipulative behavior. In retaliation, Paul goes public about Freddie’s sexual escapades. Freddie returns to London to ask for forgiveness from his bandmates and new manager Jim Beach. They are reconciled and are given a last-minute slot in Live Aid. With the outbreak of HIV/AIDS spreading worldwide, Freddie discovers that he is infected with the disease. He reveals this to his bandmates during a rehearsal, and they embrace.Joseph Mazzello, Rami Malek, Gwilym Lee, and Ben Hardy in Bohemian Rhapsody (2018)On the day of Live Aid, he is reunited with Hutton and Mary, and reconnects with his family and with his father’s Zoroastrian maxim, “Good thoughts, good words, good deeds.” The band performs at Live Aid, performing “Bohemian Rhapsody”, “Radio Ga Ga”, “Hammer to Fall” and “We Are the Champions”. The Live Aid set is a massive success, helping increase the rate of donations during the event. The film ends with a statement confirming that Freddie would remain friends with Mary and Jim for the rest of his life. It explains he would die on 24 November 1991 at 45 from AIDS-related pneumonia, how the band hosted a tribute concert for him, and how the Mercury Phoenix Trust would be founded in his honour to help AIDS victims.Rami Malek in Bohemian Rhapsody (2018)This movie is amazing. The acting, screenplay and of course music are out of this world. Definitely worth going to see!

REVIEW: INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS (2009)

CAST

Brad Pitt (Killing Them Softly)
Melanie Laurent (Now You See Me)
Christoph Waltz (The Green Hornet)
Eli Roth (Terror Firmer)
Michael Fassbender (300)
Diane Kruger (The Host)
Daniel Brühl (Captain America: Civil War)
Til Schweiger (Driven)
Mike Myers (Austin Powers)
Julie Dreyfus (Kill Bill)
Samm Levine (Veronica Mars)
Michael Bacall (Django Unchained)
Léa Seydoux (Spectre)
Samuel L. Jackson (Avengers Assemble)
Harvey Keitel (Little Nicky)
Quentin Tarantino (Alias)
Bo Svenson (The Killing Machine)

Film Title: Inglourious Basterds

Chapter One: Once Upon a Time…In Nazi-Occupied France

In 1941, SS colonel Hans Landa, the “Jew Hunter”, interrogates French dairy farmer Perrier La Padite as to the whereabouts of the last unaccounted-for Jewish family in the area. In exchange for the Germans agreeing to leave his family alone for the rest of the war, La Padite reveals that the Dreyfus family is hidden under the floor. Landa orders SS soldiers to shoot through the floorboards. The whole family is killed except for Shosanna, a young woman who escapes when Landa decides not to shoot her as she flees.Film Title: Inglourious Basterds
Chapter Two: Inglourious Basterds

Three years later, Lieutenant Aldo “The Apache” Raine of the First Special Service Force recruits Jewish-American soldiers to the Basterds, who spread fear among the German soldiers by brutally killing and scalping them. The Basterds also recruit Sergeant Hugo Stiglitz, a German soldier who murdered thirteen Gestapo officers. Adolf Hitler interviews a German soldier, Private Butz, the only survivor of a Basterd attack on his squad. Raine carved the Nazi swastika into Butz’s forehead with a knife so he could never hide that he served in the German Heer.

Film Title: Inglourious Basterds
Chapter Three: German Night in Paris

Meanwhile, Shosanna is operating a cinema in Paris under an assumed name. She meets Fredrick Zoller, a German sniper who killed 250 soldiers in a single battle; Zoller is to star in a Nazi propaganda film, Stolz der Nation (Nation’s Pride). Infatuated with Shosanna, Zoller convinces Joseph Goebbels to hold the premiere of the film at her cinema. Shosanna plots with her projectionist and lover, Marcel, to kill the Nazi leaders attending the premiere by setting the cinema ablaze.

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Chapter Four: Operation Kino

Unknown to Shosanna, British Army Lieutenant Archie Hicox is working with the Basterds to plan an attack on the same premiere. Hicox goes to a tavern with Hugo Stiglitz and Basterd Wilhelm Wicki to meet with an undercover agent, the German film star Bridget von Hammersmark. A German soldier named Wilhelm engages them in friendly conversation, but Gestapo Major Dieter Hellstrom overhears them and becomes suspicious of Hicox’s German accent. Hicox convinces him that he is from the Swiss mountains, but then gives himself away by ordering three drinks and gesturing “three” with his hand (with thumb and pinky finger down); Hellstrom knows that Germans gesture “three” with the thumb and first two fingers extended. They are discovered, and the Basterds open fire, killing everyone in the tavern except Wilhelm and a wounded Hammersmark. Raine arrives and negotiates with Wilhelm for Hammersmark to be released, but the actress kills Wilhelm when he lowers his guard. Raine learns from Hammersmark that Hitler himself will be attending the film premiere and decides to continue the mission. Later, Landa investigates the aftermath at the tavern and finds one of Hammersmark’s shoes and a napkin with her signature, clues that will lead him to her.

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Chapter Five: Revenge of the Giant Face

At the premiere, two of the Basterds, Donny “The Bear Jew” Donowitz and Omar Ulmer, join Raine in posing as Italians, hoping to fool the Germans unfamiliar with the language. However, Landa, who speaks fluent Italian, converses briefly with the Basterds before sending Donowitz and Ulmer to their seats. He takes Hammersmark to a private room, verifies that the shoe from the tavern fits her foot, then strangles her to death. Raine and another of his men, Smithson “The Little Man” Utivich, are taken prisoner, but Landa has Raine contact his superior with the OSS and cuts a deal: He will allow the mission to proceed in exchange for immunity and rewards.
Film Title: Inglourious BasterdsDuring the screening, Zoller slips away to the projection room to see Shosanna. After she rejects his advances, he becomes aggressive. She pretends to acquiesce, then pulls a pistol from her bag and shoots him. Zoller, mortally wounded, raises his pistol and shoots her before they both die. As the film reaches its climax, spliced-in footage of Shosanna tells the audience that they are about to be killed by a Jew. Marcel, having locked the doors of the cinema, ignites a pile of flammable nitrate film behind the screen as Shosanna’s image laughs. Ulmer and Donowitz break into the box containing Hitler and Goebbels, killing them, then fire their submachine guns into the crowd until the bombs go off, killing everyone in the theater.
Film Title: Inglourious BasterdsLanda and his radio operator drive Raine and Utivich into Allied territory, where they surrender. Raine shoots the radio operator, carves a swastika into Landa’s forehead, and tells Utivich with a grin, “This just might be my masterpiece.”Film Title: Inglourious BasterdsThe film is audacious and hilarious. It’s  a roller coaster and one not to be missed! It’s not for everyone, certainly if you’re not a fan of Tarantino’s style, this may be a little hard to swallow, but never-the-less, it is a film which simply has to be seen. No self respecting film fan should miss this.

REVIEW: THE LOVE GURU

CAST

Mike Myers (Wayne’s World)
Jessica Alba (Sin City)
Justin Timberlake (The Social Network)
Romany Malco (No Ordinary Family)
Meagan Good (D.E.B.S.)
Verne Troyer (The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus)
Omid Djalili (The Mummy)
Ben Kingslery (Ender’s Game)
Telma Hopkins (Trancers)
Stephen Colbert (Bewitched)
Jim Gaffigan (17 Again)
Morgan Freeman (Batman Begins)
Val Kilmer (Willow)
Oprah Winfrey (The Butler)
Kanye West (The Cleveland Show)
Mariska Hargitay (Law & Order)
Jessica Simpson (Employee of The Month)
Rob Huebel (Baywatch)

The film begins in a little Indian village named “Harenmahkeester”, where we are introduced to Guru Pitka talking into his recorder which allows him to sound like a man, a woman, or Morgan Freeman. He is the #2 Guru in the world, next to Deepak Chopra. A flashback shows us that Pitka is an orphan of missionaries in India. Both Pitka and Chopra were taught by Guru Tugginmypudha. Pitka says he wants to become a Guru so that girls will love him, so Tugginmypudha puts a chastity belt on him until he can learn that loving himself is more important than being loved by others.
Pitka’s dream is to become the number #1 Guru and to get on The Oprah Winfrey Show. He lives a charmed life scooting around on his mobile pillow. He has thousands of followers, including celebrities like Jessica Simpson, Val Kilmer and Mariska Hargitay (Pitka’s mantra is “Mariska Hargitay”). We attend one of his teachings which involve a lot of acronyms and play on words on a slide show (i.e., “guru” meaning “gee, you are you” and going from Nowhere to Now Here). Pitka has a gorgeous palace with a beautiful female staff, helicopter, elephants, and a servant, Rajneesh, who squeezes fresh orange juice out of a tree for him and has an ostrich lay his morning egg for him.
Meanwhile, in Canada, Jane Bullard’s father died and left her the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team. They have not won a Stanley Cup since she took over so the city hates her. Her star player, Darren Roanoke, the Tiger Woods of Hockey, has been playing poorly ever since his wife Prudence left him for a well endowed French Canadian, Jacques “Lè Cocq” Grandè, who plays for the rival Los Angeles Kings. He has a tattoo on his abdomen that reads “The Legend” with an arrow pointing down. When Pitka is introduced to Jane Bullard, he imagines a Bollywood musical fantasy with her in it. Jane is a big fan of Pitka’s, having read all of his books. She is paying him 2 million dollars to patch up Darren’s marriage, in time to win the Stanley Cup. Pitka’s agent, Dick Pants, is thrilled and says that if Pitka patches up the marriage, Oprah will have him on her show.
Pitka has an acronym, DRAMA, tattoed on his hand. D represents Distraction. Guru Tugginmypudha taught him the lesson of distraction with the use of his own urine. Pitka encourages the rival team to beat Darren up during a game, thus distracting him from his emotional distress over Prudence and Le Cocq. Darren begins to play well but then gets suspended for the next two games after beating up Le Cocq and hitting Coach Cherkov with a hockey puck. There is a meeting in the Coach’s tiny office, complete with mini water cooler, where they argue about the situation. Later, Pitka has dinner with Jane, gets her to move in for a kiss, only to hear a ding on his chastity belt. He tells her it can not be, and she does not understand and runs out. Next, Pitka tells Darren to write an apology note to Prudence. Pitka gets in a huge fight with Le Cocq’s guard rooster in order to deliver the note.
The R in Drama is Regression. Apparently Darren is afraid of his mother. They confront her at her Church choir but she ends up scaring both Pitka and Darren out of the church with her harsh words. Pitka helps Darren realise that since his mother only showed him love when he succeeded he had grown to believe others like Prudence would only love him as long as he won.
Time is running out, so Pitka skips through the rest of the acronym. He distracts Le Cocq with his idol, Celine Dion, then lies to Prudence, telling her Darren stood up to his mom, getting her to go back to Darren. At the last game. Le Cocq, having overheard that Darren cannot play with his mother in the audience, gets Darren’s mother to sing the national anthem, causing Darren to run out of the game. Meanwhile, Pitka is at the airport, on his way to the Oprah show. He sees the news on TV and defies his agent by going to the game to help Darren, as well as show Jane (who manages to stand up to the angry crowd) his chastity belt. After smoothing things over with his mother, Darren is OK again until Le Cocq says Prudence also said “Damn” to him in bed. Darren freezes and Pitka realizes he needs to distract Darren from whatever is troubling him.
Pitka gets two elephants to have sex in the middle of the rink, in front of millions of TV audience, which distracts Le Cocq and helps Darren wake up from his stupor and score the winning goal. After the game, Pitka makes up with Jane and Coach Cherkov, then meets Deepak Chopra and decides that he is fine with being the first Guru Pitka instead of the next Deepak Chopra. and everyone lives happily ever after. Back in the Indian village, Guru Tugginmypudha tells Pitka that he has finally learned to love himself and removes Pitka’s chastity belt, as there was a hook in the back. Jane and Pitka kiss. The ending is a rendition of the Steve Miller Band song “The Joker” with Jane and Pitka dancing Indian musical style.Very very funny. If you like Austin Powers you will also like The Love Guru.