REVIEW: CROSSROADS

CAST

Britney Spears (How I Met Your Mother)
Anson Mount (Inhumans)
Zoe Saldana (Guardians of The Galaxy)
Taryn Manning (Crazy/Beautiful)
Kim Cattrall (Star Trek 6)
Dan Aykroyd (Ghostbusters)
Justin Long (Jeepers Creepers)
Beverly Johnson (Lois & Clark)
Jamie Lynn Spears (Zoey 101)
Shonda Farr (Smallville)

Lucy (Britney Spears), Kit (Zoe Saldana), and Mimi (Taryn Manning) are three friends who live in a small Georgia town. While as young children, they bury a “wish box” and vow to dig it up on the night of their high school graduation, also pledging to stay best friends forever. However, as they grow up, their friendship fades due to their different approaches of high school: Lucy becomes the introverted valedictorian, Kit becomes the most popular girl in school, and Mimi is an outcast from a trailer park and facing teenage pregnancy. On the night of their graduation, they keep their promise and get together to open the “wish box”. As they start talking again, they remember their old wishes while burying the box: Mimi wanted to travel to California, Lucy wanted to find the mother she cannot remember, and Kit wanted to get married. Mimi brings up the topic of going to Los Angeles for a record contract audition. Kit and Lucy try to convince Mimi to not go all the way to Los Angeles due to the fact that she’s pregnant and anything dangerous can happen. However the next morning they decide to go together but each doing something separate; Mimi going to the audition, Kit visiting her fiancé and Lucy to see her mother in Tucson, Arizona.They set out on the road with little money in a yellow 1973 Buick Skylark convertible with a guy named Ben (Anson Mount). Lucy, however, leaves without the permission of her overbearing father Pete (Dan Aykroyd), who wakes up the next day to find his daughter is gone. Shortly into their journey, the car breaks down. They realise that they don’t have enough money between them for the travel or the repair costs. Mimi then suggests that she sing karaoke at a local bar, where good singers are tipped well by the customers. While at the bar, the girls dress up and go the stage to perform. However, when the song starts Mimi develops stage fright, being unable to sing. Seeing that they needed the money, Lucy takes her place, and quickly becomes a hit with the crowd. They make enough money to fix the car and continue on their way.Shortly after the group checks into a motel, Kit tells the girls that she heard a rumor about Ben, commenting that he had recently been released from jail, after killing someone. The girls then spend most of the journey feeling uneasy around him, until they confront him. Ben reveals that he was in jail for driving his step-sister across state borders without parental consent, after his father was abusing her. Having established that Ben was not the assassin they imagined him to be, Lucy and Ben grow closer. The girls talk properly to each other for the first time since they were kids. Lucy reveals that her mother left her and her father when she was a child, but she is convinced her mother wants to find her, but is too afraid. Kit, who was overweight as a child, has an overbearing mother who sent her to “fat camp” but now cannot stand that her daughter is more beautiful than her. Mimi reveals that the baby’s father was not her boyfriend, but a guy who raped her after she got drunk at a party.After they arrive in Arizona, Lucy finally meets her mother Caroline after eighteen years; however, Caroline is not happy to see Lucy. She reveals that she has remarried, and that she now has two sons ages seven and ten. She reveals to Lucy that she was an unintended pregnancy and that she wants nothing to do with her, and Lucy leaves the house heartbroken. Promptly arriving at the motel, Ben comforts her. The following day, Lucy rejoins the others and goes on to Los Angeles. When they arrive, Kit brings Mimi along to surprise her fiance, Dylan. While alone in the hotel, Lucy gives her virginity to Ben and they fall in love with each other. When Kit and Mimi arrive to Dylan’s place, it is revealed that he is cheating on Kit after they see another girl in his apartment. Already upset, Kit suddenly realizes that it was Dylan who raped Mimi and got her pregnant, and she punches him. Scared, Mimi runs away, and falls down the stairs. Consequently, she loses her baby. Because of this, Lucy decides to call her father to take her and the girls back home. However her father is still putting pressure on Lucy to do what he wants. After the entire journey she realizes that everything she’s done has been to please her father instead of herself. Lucy tells her father to let her go and she runs after Ben, they embrace and kiss each other. She and the girls decide to stay with Ben and go to the audition. They receive a standing ovation after their performance of Lucy’s poem; I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman.”This time we didn’t make any wishes for the future… We said goodbye to our past. Now, none of us have any idea where life’s gonna take us. ‘Cause what we have is now, and right now… we have Each Other.Average film worth checking out for the fact Zoe Saldana has a part in the movie.

Advertisements

REVIEW: THE BREAK-UP

CAST

Vince Vaughn (Wedding Crashers)
Jennifer Aniston (Just Go With It)
Joey Lauren Adams (Chasing Amy)
Cole Hauser (The Lizzie Borden Chronicles)
Jon Favreau (Iron Man)
Jason Bateman (The Gift)
Judy Davis (The Dressmaker)
Justin Long (Tusk)
John Michael Higgins (Still Waiting…)
Ann-Margret (Lucky)
Vincnet D’Onofrio (Jurassic World)

Gary Grobowski (Vince Vaughn) and Brooke Meyers (Jennifer Aniston) meet at Wrigley Field during a Chicago Cubs game and begin dating, eventually buying a condominium together. Gary works as a tour guide in a family business with his brothers, Lupus (Cole Hauser) and Dennis (Vincent D’Onofrio). Brooke manages an art gallery owned by eccentric artist Marilyn Dean (Judy Davis). Their relationship comes to a head after the latest in an escalating series of, “Why can’t you do this one little thing for me?!” arguments. Brooke, feeling unappreciated, criticizes Gary’s perceived immaturity and unwillingness to work on improving their relationship. Gary is frustrated by Brooke’s perceived controlling, perfectionistic attitude, and expresses his desire to have a little more independence (particularly when arriving home from work, wanting to unwind).

Brooke becomes irate when Gary fails to offer to help her clean up after a big dinner party at their home; and, still frustrated from their earlier, unresolved argument, breaks up with him (despite still being in love with him). Brooke seeks relationship advice from her friend Addie (Joey Lauren Adams), while Gary goes to tell his side of things to friend Johnny Ostrofski (Jon Favreau). Since neither is willing to move out of their condo, they compromise by living as roommates; but, each begins acting out to provoke the other in increasingly elaborate ways. Gary buys a pool table, litters the condo with food and trash, and even has a strip poker party with Lupus and a few women. Meanwhile, Brooke has Gary kicked off their “couples-only” bowling team, and starts dating other men in an attempt to make Gary jealous

When their friend and realtor Mark Riggleman (Jason Bateman) sells the condo, Gary and Brooke are given two weeks’ notice to move out. Brooke invites Gary to an Old 97’s concert, hoping that he will figure out that the gesture is meant to be her last-ditch attempt to salvage their relationship. Gary agrees to meet her there, but misses the hidden agenda, and misses the concert—unwittingly breaking Brooke’s heart. When Gary goes out for a drink with Johnny, his friend points out that Gary has always had his guard up, has been guilty of a lot of selfishness, and never gave Brooke a chance, emotional intimacy-wise.

Afterwards, Brooke quits her job in order to spend time traveling Europe. When she brings a customer from the art gallery home one evening, Brooke finds the condo cleaned and Gary preparing a fancy dinner to win her back. He lays his heart on the line and promises to appreciate her more. Brooke begins crying and states that she just can not give in anymore and, therefore, does not feel the same way. Gary seems to understand and kisses her before leaving. It is later revealed that Brooke’s “date” (who initially asked her out, but she politely rejected) was actually a client interested in a piece of artwork she kept at the condo. Both eventually move out of the condo. Gary begins taking a more active role in his tour guide business, while Brooke travels the world, eventually returning to Chicago. Some time later, they meet again by chance on the street as Gary is bringing home groceries and Brooke is on her way to a meeting. After some awkward but friendly catching up, they part ways but each glances back over their shoulder and they share a smile.

Despite good performances from the leads, “The Break-Up” is an awkward, unfunny movie that fails to engage its audience.

 

REVIEW: YOUTH IN REVOLT

CAST

Michael Cera (Scott Pilgrim vs The World)
Portia Doubleday (Carrie)
Jean Smart (Legion)
Zach Galifianakis (The Hangover)
Erik Knudsen (Scream 4)
Adhir Kalyan (Up In The Air)
Steve Buscemi (Reservoir Dogs)
Fred Willard (ANchorman)
Ari Graynor (For a Good Time, Call..)
Ray Liotta (Killing Them Softly)
Justin Long (Tusk)
Rooney Mara (Side Effects)
M. Emmet Walsh (The Flash 90s)
Jade Fusco (Wonder Valley)

Shy, socially inept teenager Nick Twisp lives with his mother, Estelle, and her boyfriend, Jerry, in Oakland, California. After selling a faulty car to a group of sailors, Jerry takes Estelle and Nick to a trailer park in Clearlake where Nick meets Sheeni Saunders, a bright young woman his age, with an interest in French culture and who shares Nick’s musical taste. Despite Sheeni’s boyfriend, Trent Preston, they become romantically involved. Nick purchases a dog for Sheeni named Albert (after Albert Camus), but the dog rips up the family Bible and Sheeni’s parents ban it from the house. Jerry needs to return to Oakland and takes Estelle and Nick with him. Sheeni promises to arrange a job in Ukiah for Nick’s father, George, while Nick will get his mother to kick him out so he can return to Sheeni. Back at home, Nick creates an alter-ego named François Dillinger, a suave, rebellious troublemaker. Immediately after Nick makes the decision, Jerry dies of a heart attack. Under François’ influence, Nick mouths off to his mom and her new boyfriend, police officer Lance Wescott. Nick takes Jerry’s Lincoln, and crashes into a restaurant, which starts a fire. Lance agrees to lie and report the car stolen. In return, Nick must live with his father. In Ukiah, Nick phones Sheeni and tells her he had to blow up “half of Berkeley” to return. Sheeni’s parents overhear this and ship her to a French boarding school in Santa Cruz, forbidding Nick ever to see her again.

In his new high school, Nick befriends Vijay Joshi, and they take Vijay’s grandmother’s car to visit Sheeni. After being allowed into Sheeni’s room, Nick goes to the restroom and meets Bernice Lynch, Sheeni’s neighbor, and claims Trent said terrible things about her. Bernice brings the matron to Sheeni’s room and the boys flee. On the way home, the car dies and Nick calls Mr. Ferguson, his father’s idealist neighbor, to come pick them up; he tells Ferguson that Vijay is an illegal immigrant whom Nick is trying to “free from persecution”. When he returns home, Nick meets Sheeni’s older brother, Paul, who tells him that she will be returning home on Thanksgiving and invites him for dinner. Nick begins to send Bernice letters asking her to slip sedatives into Sheeni’s drinks to make her fall asleep in class, thereby getting Sheeni expelled. Nick finds Lacey, George’s 25-year-old girlfriend, Paul, and Ferguson, lounging in his living room, high on mushrooms, which Nick also ingests. George finds them and punches Ferguson, which results in Paul punching George. Lacey leaves the house to live with Paul. On Thanksgiving Day, Nick receives a call from his mother explaining Lance left and will not cover for Nick anymore. Nick goes to Thanksgiving at Sheeni’s. Trent unexpectedly arrives and explains Nick’s letters to Bernice; Sheeni is horrified and Nick leaves.Nick steals his father’s car to escape the police. He then removes his clothes and drives the car into a shallow lake in front of the police station. He buys a wig and a dress and impersonates one of Sheeni’s “friends”. He fools Mr. and Mrs. Saunders and goes up to Sheeni’s room. Upstairs, Nick tells Sheeni that he understands what loneliness is like, and that everything he has done, including burning down Berkeley, destroying his parents’ cars and having her sedated were all so that they wouldn’t have to be alone anymore. Sheeni forgives Nick, and the two have sex, finally achieving Nick’s dream of losing his virginity. Trent barges in, telling Nick he’s brought the police with him. Nick beats up Trent and asks Sheeni to wait for him; Sheeni reassures him that he will only be in juvenile detention for three months. The animated closing credits show Nick in jail with François helping him. When Nick is released, Sheeni shows up in a car and they drive away into the sky towards the Paris skyline, as various characters appear to make amends with the two and give them their blessing.Great transformation by Michael Cera, well developed main and supporting characters and very funny appearances by excellent and proved actors. The story is simple but goes through many changes in it making it unique in its genre, successfully escaping the traps set by the movies that have already told this story.

 

 

REVIEW: YOGA HOSSERS

CAST

Harley Quinn Smith (Tusk)
Lily-Rose Depp (The Dancer)
Adam Brody (Jennifers Body)
Austin Butler (Arrow)
Tyler Posey (Teen Wolf)
Justin Long (New Girl)
Tony Hale (Chuck)
Natasha Lyonne (American Pie)
Genesis Rodriguez (Hours)
Haley Joel Osment (A.I.)
Jennifer Schwalbach Smith (Now You Know)
Vanessa Paradis (Heartbreaker)
Ralph Garman (Ted)
Johnny Depp (Into The Woods)
Kevin Conroy (Batman: TAS)
Kevin Smith (Dogma)
Stan Lee (Avengers Assemble)
Jason Mewes (R.S.V.P.)

Colleen Collette and Colleen McKenzie are two average 15-year-old girls that spend their days studying yoga with their guru, Yogi Bayer, and working an after-school job at a Manitoba convenience store called Eh-2-Zed. The two are invited to a party by a popular senior, Hunter Calloway, who is the object of Colleen M’s affections.

The next day at school, the girls’ history teacher informs the class that the Nazi Party once had an influence in Winnipeg. Led by the self-proclaimed “Canadian Führer” Adrien Arcand and his right-hand-man, Andronicus Arcane, the Canadian Nazis were once a great force of terror. Arcand was later arrested by Federal authorities, but Andronicus Arcane was never found.

Colleen C’s father Bob, who own the Eh-2-Zed, and his girlfriend Tabitha, the store’s manager, decide to take a spontaneous trip to Niagara Falls, leaving the girls to run the store on the night of Hunter’s party. The Colleens invite Hunter to bring the party to the store so that they won’t miss out. Colleen M escorts Hunter to the back room at his request, only to discover that Hunter and Gordon are actually Satanists who wish to sacrifice and dismember the Colleens. Before this can occur, an army of little monsters called Bratzis (one-foot-tall Nazis made from bratwurst) attack and kill Hunter and Gordon. Using their yoga skills, the Colleens fight and defeat the Bratzis, but are soon arrested for the murder of Hunter and Gordon.
Legendary man-hunter Guy LaPointe, who had an encounter with the Colleens once before, arrives at the police station to interrogate the girls. Having obtained some of his own evidence of the Bratzis, he believes the girls’ testimony and wishes to help them prove their innocence. After sneaking them out of the station and taking them back to the Eh-2-Zed, LaPointe and the Colleens are knocked unconscious by the Bratzis. They are taken to an underground lair beneath the store where they find the Bratzis’ master, Andronicus Arcane.
51n-dzerjqlArcane reveals to LaPointe and the Colleens that he once had dreams of becoming an artist. After having his work ridiculed by various critics, he decided to become a scientist for the Canadian Nazi movement. The Nazis hid him in the underground lair to create a clone army to conquer Canada and the United States. The clones, made from bratwurst and Arcane’s DNA, needed to incubate for 100 years before they were fully grown, so Arcane cryogenically froze himself until a time where he and his clones could rise again. This process was interrupted when a power outage at the Eh-2-Zed 70 years later caused Arcane to thaw and the clones’ incubation to stop, rendering them at just one foot in height.

51n-dzerjqlLearning that the Nazi Party had long since been defeated, Arcane began a new mission to kill all critics as revenge for those that poorly reviewed his early work. He reveals he has constructed a ten-foot-tall goaltender from body parts of the Bratzis’ victims to carry out his murderous deeds. This “Goalie Golem” is controlled by the Bratzis who operate it from its insides. No longer wishing to follow Arcane’s orders, the Golem kills him and then turns on the Colleens. The Colleens once again use their yoga skills to defeat the Golem and soon after, clear their names. After being dubbed “Hero Clerks” by the media, the Colleens return to their normal lives and end the film with a cover of “O, Canada”, accompanied on guitar by Guy LaPointe.thumbnail_24847Overall, I enjoyed the movie. It had much of Kevin Smith’s normal humor and those girls really had great chemistry as best friends.

REVIEW: TUSK

CAST

Michael Parks (Red State)
Justin Long (Jeepers Creepers)
Génesis Rodríguez (Hours)
Haley Joel Osment (A.I.)
Johnny Depp (Into The Woods)
Harley Morenstein (Holidays)
Ralph Garman (Ted)
Jennifer Schwalbach Smith (Now You Know)
Harley Quinn Smith (Supergirl)
Lily-Rose Depp (The Dancer)
Zak Knutson (Clerks II)
Best friends Wallace Bryton and Teddy Craft host the popular podcast The Not-See Party, where they find and mock humiliating viral videos. Wallace announces plans to fly to Canada to interview the “Kill Bill” Kid, an Internet celebrity famous for severing his leg with a samurai sword. In flashbacks spread throughout the film, it is revealed that Wallace was originally a failed stand-up comic who became popular with his increasingly vicious podcasts, and that he frequently cheats on his girlfriend, Ally.
Upon arriving in Manitoba, Wallace is surprised to learn that the Kill Bill Kid committed suicide. Upset that he flew to Canada for nothing, Wallace decides to stay an extra day and find another person to interview. He finds a handbill from someone offering a room in his home for free and the guarantee of hearing a lifetime of interesting stories. His interest piqued, Wallace arrives at the mansion of Howard Howe, a retired seaman in a wheelchair. Howard tells the story of how a walrus, whom he named Mr. Tusk, rescued him after a shipwreck. Wallace then passes out from the secobarbital laced in his tea that Howard made for him.
The next morning, Wallace wakes up to find himself strapped into a wheelchair and his left leg amputated. Howard tells him he was bitten by a brown recluse spider and a local doctor had to amputate it to save Wallace’s life. Howard not only reveals that he can still walk, but lays out his plans for Wallace: he plans to fit Wallace into a perfectly constructed walrus costume. Wallace’s attempts to contact Teddy and Ally fail when neither answer their phone. It is then revealed that Ally and Teddy are in fact lovers. Wallace leaves Ally a voicemail apologizing for how he treated her, and Howard knocks him unconscious.
Now aware that Wallace is in danger, Ally and Teddy fly to Canada to look for him. Back at the mansion, Howard continues to mutilate and alter Wallace, to whom he tells his backstory: a Duplessis orphan, he was sexually abused for years by the clergy who fostered him, and as a result is very misanthropic. He sews Wallace into a walrus costume made of human skin, complete with tusks made of the tibia bones from Wallace’s severed legs.
A local detective puts Ally and Teddy in touch with Guy LaPointe, a former Sûreté du Québec inspector who has been hunting Howard for years. LaPointe reveals that Howard, nicknamed “The First Wife”, has been kidnapping and murdering people for years; he says he believes Wallace may still be alive, but not as they remember him. They eventually find Howard’s address through two convenience store clerks, whom Wallace had annoyed earlier.
By now, Wallace’s psyche has been completely broken and has been conditioned to think and behave like a walrus. Howard reveals that his obsession with walruses comes from killing and eating Mr. Tusk six months after living on the island, although a rescue boat arrived soon after. For the past 15 years, he has attempted to turn his victims into his beloved savior in order to relive their last day and give Mr. Tusk another chance at survival. Dressed in his own homemade pelt, Howard engages in a fight with Wallace that ends with Wallace angrily impaling Howard’s chest with his tusks while Howard becomes satisfied with what Wallace has become. Ally and Teddy enter the enclave as Wallace bellows victoriously and viciously as a walrus does, much to their horror. LaPointe later enters the room and reluctantly aims a shotgun at Wallace.
One year later, Wallace, still sewn into the pelt, lives in a wildlife sanctuary. Ally and Teddy visit him and feed him a mackerel. Ally remembers a discussion she had with Wallace the day before he left for Canada about how crying separates humans from animals, because crying shows that you have a soul. Ally tells Wallace she still loves him before walking off crying. Tears run down Wallace’s face as he bellows, implying that the human part of Wallace may not be completely gone.Yes, it’s a weird film but it’s trying to be different and is a nice change of pace from most horror films these days. If you want a film that will make you genuinely say ‘WTF’ at the end, tusk is for you. I

REVIEW: MOVIE 43

CAST

Dennis Quaid (The Day After Tomorrow)
Greg Kinnear (Ghost Town)
Common (Wanted)
Hugh Jackman (Logan)
Kate Winslet (Divergent)
Liev Schreiber (The 5th Wave)
Naomi Watts (King Kong)
Anna Faris (Mom)
Chris Pratt (Passengers)
Kristen Bell (Bad Moms)
Seth MacFalrane (Family Guy)
Emma Stone (The Amazing Spider-Man)
Charlie Saxton (Hung)
Leslie Bibb (American Housewife)
Uma Thurman (KillBill)
Bobby Cannavale (Ant-Man)
Kate Bosworth (Superman Returns)
Will Sasso (Happy Gilmore)
Christopher Mintz-Plasse (Superbad)
Chloe Grace Moretz (The 5th Wave)
Odessa Rae (Hard Candy)
Terrence Howard (Iron Man 2)
Elizabeth Banks (Power Rangers)
Josh Duhamel (Transformers)
Tony Shalhoub (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
Gerard Butler (Gamer)
Seann William Scott (American Pie)
Katie Finneran (Wonderfalls)
Halle Berry (X-Men)
Justin Long (Jeepers Creepers)
Jason Sudeikis (Son of Zorn)
Julie Claire (Devious Minds)
Stephen Merchant (The Office)
Johnny Knoxville (The Last Stand)
Richard Gere (Primal Fear)
Julie Ann Emery (Fargo)
J.B. Smoove (Date Night)
Jarrad Paul (The Grinder)
Katrina Bowden (30 Rock)
Kieran Culkin (Scott Pilgrim Vs The World)
Aasif Mandvi (The Dictator)
Julianne Moore (Carrie)
Anton Yelchin (Star Trek)
Fisher Stevens (Hail, Caesar!)

phjknvt5iu8kmn_1_l

Movie 43 is a series of different skits containing different scenes and scenarios.

Movie 43

The Pitch

The film is composed of multiple comedy shorts presented through an overarching segment titled “The Pitch”, in which Charlie Wessler (Dennis Quaid), a mad screenwriter, is attempting to pitch a script to film executive Griffin Schraeder (Greg Kinnear). After revealing several of the stories in his script, Wessler becomes agitated when Schraeder dismisses his outrageous ideas, and he pulls a gun on him and forces him to listen to multiple other stories before making Schraeder consult his manager, Bob Mone (Common), to purchase the film. When they do so, Mone’s condescending, humiliating attitude toward Schraeder angers him to the point that, after agreeing to make the film “the biggest film since Howard the Duck”, he confronts Mone in the parking lot with a gun and tries to make him perform fellatio on the security guard (Will Sasso) (Wessler had gotten on the lot by doing the same thing) and kill him if he does not make the film. Wessler tries to calm Schraeder down with more story ideas to no avail, but Mone pulls out a gun and shoots Schraeder to death. The segment ends with it being revealed that it is being shot by a camera crew as part of the movie, leading into the final segments.

Alternative version (The Thread)

The structure of the film released in some countries, like the United Kingdom and the Netherlands, differs. Instead of a pitch, the films are connected by a group of three teenagers searching for the most banned film in the world, Movie 43, which will ultimately lead to the destruction of civilization. Calvin Cutler (Mark L. Young) and his friend J.J. (Adam Cagley) make a video in the style of MTV’s Jackass and upload it on YouTube where it instantly reaches over 1,000,000 views. This turns out to be an April Fool’s prank from Calvin’s younger brother Baxter (Devin Eash), who cloned YouTube and hyper-inflated the views while working on his science project. Calvin and J.J. attempt to get revenge. They tell Baxter of a film that’s so dangerous it will cause the annihilation of the world. The movie is known as Movie 43. While J.J. and Baxter look for Movie 43 on Google, Calvin retrieves Baxter’s laptop and loads it with viruses from porn sites, and masturbates to the naked women on the porn sites in a bathroom. Baxter finds hundreds of results for Movie 43 on a website referred to by him as a dark corner of the Internet. They find the sketches starting from the 43rd search on the list of results. As he and J.J. keep watching videos, they are interrupted by a man known as Vrankovich (Fisher Stevens) and a group of Chinese mobsters (Tim Chou and James Hsu) who are tempted to find Movie 43, even going as far as to take J.J.’s classmate Stevie Schraeder (Nate Hartley), film executive Griffin Schraeder’s oldest son, hostage. Vrankovich warns them that if they find Movie 43, civilization will be left to ruins. They ignore his claims and keep searching. They eventually find the real, the one and only Movie 43, which turns out to involve Baxter as a profane commando who leads a group of recruits to survive after the world has ended. As Calvin finishes ruining Baxter’s laptop, their mother (Beth Littleford) enters, wearing the same shirt and shorts that the porn site women wear, causing Calvin to flip out, have visions, and find semen from his erect crotch on his hand in shock and horror. Afterward, a deadly earthquake rumbles and mankind is lost. However, a few years later the only survivor, a crippled Calvin, finds Baxter’s laptop still working despite viral infections. He watches the last remaining skits on the laptop. This version of the film was released in the U.S. as part of the Blu-ray Disc of Movie 43 as an unrated alternate cut of the film

The Catch

Beth (Kate Winslet) is a single businesswoman who goes on a blind date with Davis (Hugh Jackman), the city’s most eligible bachelor. When the two arrive together at a restaurant, Beth is shocked when he removes his scarf, revealing a pair of testicles dangling from his neck. Over dinner it confuses her that Davis fails to acknowledge his anatomical abnormality, and that nobody seems to be surprised by it. When two friends of Davis (Roy Jenkins and Katie Finneran) come by, one of them convinces him to give Beth a kiss. Davis agrees, but when he kisses her, his neck-testicles are dangling near Beth’s mouth, causing her to scream and budge out of the kiss.

Homeschooled

Having recently moved, Sean (Alex Cranmer) and Clare (Julie Ann Emery) have coffee with their new neighbors. The neighbors, Robert (Liev Schreiber) and Samantha (Naomi Watts) have a teenage son, Kevin (Jeremy Allen White), whom they have home-schooled. Sean and Clare begin inquiring about the homeschooling, and the numerous manners in which Robert and Samantha have replicated a high school environment within their home, going as far as hazing, bullying, and giving out detentions, are revealed. They also throw high school parties and Samantha instigates Kevin’s “first kiss” with him. Visibly disturbed, the neighbors end up meeting Kevin, who says he is going out and gives them the impression that all is fine: until he reveals a doll made of a mop with Samantha’s face on it, referring to the doll as his girlfriend.

cloud_atlas_-_behind_the_scenes_featurette

The Proposition

Julie (Anna Faris) and Doug (Chris Pratt) have been in a relationship for a year. When he attempts to propose to her, she reveals to him that she is a coprophiliac, and asks him to defecate on her in the bedroom. Urged by his best friend Larry (J.B. Smoove) and others to go along with it, he eats a large meal and drinks a bottle of laxative prior to the event. Wanting foreplay, Julie is angered when Doug wants to finish, and she runs into the street. Chasing after her, he is then hit by a car and graphically evacuates his bowels everywhere. She cradles him and apologizes; covered and surrounded by his excrement on the road, she exclaims that it is the “most beautiful thing” she has ever seen and accepts his marriage proposal.

Veronica

Neil (Kieran Culkin) is working a night shift at a local grocery store. His ex-girlfriend, Veronica (Emma Stone), comes through his line and the two begin arguing, which soon turns into sexual discussion and flirtation as they lament over their relationship; unbeknownst to them, Neil’s intercom microphone broadcasts the entire explicit conversation throughout the store, where various elderly people and vagrants tune in. After she leaves in tears, the customers agree to cover his shift while he goes after her.

iBabe

A developing company is having a meeting in their headquarters over their newly released product, the “iBabe”, which is a life-sized, realistic replica of a nude woman which functions as an MP3 player. The boss (Richard Gere) listens to his various workers (Kate Bosworth, Aasif Mandvi and Jack McBrayer) argue over the placement of a fan that was built into the genital region of the iBabe, which is dismembering the penises of teenage boys who attempt to have sex with them. The board members then agree to strongly emphasize the dangers of the product via its new commercials.

Superhero Speed Dating

Robin (Justin Long) and his cohort Batman (Jason Sudeikis) are in Gotham City at a speed dating establishment seeking out a bomb threat by their nemesis, Penguin (John Hodgman). While Robin attempts to connect with various women through speed dating including Lois Lane (Uma Thurman) and Supergirl (Kristen Bell), Batman encounters his ex Wonder Woman (Leslie Bibb) and attempts to stop Penguin from detonating Supergirl, who later turns out to be the Riddler (Will Carlough) in disguise, which Batman already knew and was screwing with Robin, who kissed “her” moments before unveiling.

cloud_atlas_-_behind_the_scenes_featurette

Machine Kids

A faux-Public service announcement about children stuck in machines and how adults’ criticism of these particular machines affect the feelings of the children stuck inside the machines. This commercial was paid for by the “Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children Inside Machines”.

cloud_atlas_-_behind_the_scenes_featurette

Middleschool Date

Nathan (Jimmy Bennett) and Amanda (Chloë Grace Moretz) are watching television after school at Nathan’s house as their first “middle school” date. When they begin to kiss, his older brother Mikey (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) enters the living room and makes fun of them. Amanda then discovers she is menstruating and tries to hide it, and when Nathan sees blood on her pants, he panics and believes her to be bleeding to death, causing a debacle, which would later have Nathan and Mikey’s father Steve (Patrick Warburton) and Amanda’s father (Matt Walsh) involved. Amanda calls them out on their stupidity and feels embarrassed to know that she’s getting her first period in front of them and they don’t know what to do about it. When she leaves with her father, Nathan yells that the process of keeping the lining of her internal organs intact by inserting his erect phallus into her vagina is much too complicated and Mikey agrees. Steve cheers them up by farting in front of them. As Mikey goes to the bathroom, Nathan and Steve watch a game on television, which has a very graphic Tampax commercial in which a girl gets eaten by a shark due to her menstruating.

Tampax

Another faux-commercial involving two women who go swimming in the sea. As the women submerge into the water, a great shark suddenly appears and eats one of the women. A tagline appears, reading: “Tampax. Now Leak-Proof”

Happy Birthday

Pete (Johnny Knoxville) captures a leprechaun (Gerard Butler) for his roommate Brian (Seann William Scott) as a birthday present. After tying the leprechaun up in the basement, they demand he give them a pot of gold. The obscene leprechaun threatens that his brother is coming to save him. When he arrives, Brian and Pete are shot at but ultimately kill both leprechauns. At the end of the segment, Pete reveals he has also caught a fairy (Esti Ginzburg) who performs fellatio for gold coins.

Truth or Dare

Donald (Stephen Merchant) and Emily (Halle Berry) are on a date together at a Mexican restaurant. Tired of typical first dates, Emily challenges Donald to a game of truth or dare. She dares him to grab a man’s buttocks, and he follows with daring her to blow out the birthday candles on a blind boy’s cake. The game rapidly escalates to extremes, in which both of them get plastic surgery and tattoos, and humiliate themselves. When Donald and Emily arrive back at Emily’s apartment, they praise their date. Donald tries to kiss her, but she rejects him, claiming she’s not attracted to Asian men (which he was surgically altered to resemble). It is revealed that she was joking and invites him to have sex with her as she shows him her enlarged breasts.

Victory’s Glory

Set in 1959, Coach Jackson (Terrence Howard) is lecturing his all-black basketball team before their first game against an all-white team. Worried about losing the game, the timid players are lectured by the coach about their superiority in the sport over their white counterparts, which he expresses vulgarly. When the game ensues, the all-white team loses miserably yet rejoices in a single point they earn.

Beezel

Played mid-credits, Amy (Elizabeth Banks) worries that her boyfriend Anson’s (Josh Duhamel) cat, Beezel (an animated cartoon), is coming between their relationship. Beezel seems to detest Amy and anyone who comes between him and Anson, but Anson only sees Beezel as innocent. One day, Amy witnesses Beezel masturbating to summer vacation photos of Anson in a swimsuit. Beezel attacks her and violently urinates on her. Anson still finds his pet innocent but Amy threatens to leave if he doesn’t get rid of Beezel. Caring more about his relationship, Anson agrees to find a new home for him. That night, from a closet, Beezel tearfully watches the couple make love (whilst sodomizing himself with a hairbrush and dry humping a stuffed teddy bear). The next day when it comes time to take Beezel away, he is nowhere to be found. Amy goes outside to look. Beezel then runs her over with a truck and attempts to shoot her to death with a shotgun, but she chases him into the street and begins beating him with a shovel, which is witnessed by a group of children attending a birthday party at a neighboring house. When Anson approaches to see what is happening, Amy tries to explain Beezel’s motives. Beezel acts innocent and Anson sides with his cat. The children of the party then attack and murder Amy for beating up Beezel, stabbing her with plastic forks. Anson grabs Beezel, as Beezel again fantasizes about French kissing his owner.

movie43-01

Find Our Daughter

In this segment that was cut from the film, Maude (Julianne Moore) and George (Tony Shalhoub) are looking for their breast-flashing daughter Susie (Jordanna Taylor) with the help of the private eye (Bob Odenkirk), who is behind the camera with only one clue which is a small video that features their daughter. The scene was released on Blu-ray.

Necrophiliac

This segment cut from the film stars a necrophiliac who worked at a morgue and had sex with the dead female bodies. The scene was included on the Blu-Ray release.

This film gets a lot of negative reviews, and I can see why – it’s definitely a marmite type ‘love it or hate it’ film. I doubt there’s any room for a grey area. Slapstick, crude toilet humour delivered in a very clever fashion. This isn’t so much a film as it is a series of interlinked sketches with an all-star cast

 

 

REVIEW: HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

CAST

Ben Aflfeck (Batman v Superman)
Jennifer Aniston (Leprechaun)
Drew Barrymore (Charlie’s Angels)
Jennifer Connolly (Hulk)
Bradley Cooper (Joy)
Ginnifer Goodwin (Once Upon a Time)
Scarlett Johansson (Lucy)
Justin Long (Waiting…)
Kris Kristofferson (Blade)
Hedy Burress (Swing Vote)
Busy Phillips (The Smokers)
John Ross Bowie (The Big Bang Theory)
Luis Guzmán (Boogie Nights)
Kevin Connolly (The Notebook)
Annie Ilonzeh (Arrow)
Cristine Rose (Heroes)

Nine people in Baltimore deal with their respective romantic problems, usually thwarted by the differing ideals and desires of their chosen partner. At the center of this is Gigi Phillips (Ginnifer Goodwin), a young woman who repeatedly misinterprets the behavior of her romantic partners.

Gigi and Alex

Gigi (Ginnifer Goodwin) is a single woman who repeatedly misreads mundane actions and comments from her dates as indications that they are romantically interested in her, and frets when the guy does not call her.In attempting to meet Conor Barry (Kevin Connolly), a real estate agent, at a bar, she befriends the bar owner Alex (Justin Long), who reveals the strategies men use to avoid a woman. He explains that if a man is interested in a woman, he will overcome any obstacles to ensure they date again, and that Gigi has been misinterpreting and obsessing over imagined “signs” that she receives. Their friendship continues, and Gigi interprets his eagerness to always assist (such as taking Gigi’s call while he is on a date) as a sign that he is interested in her. She makes a move, but Alex claims he is not romantically interested in her and chastises her for ignoring his advice. She angrily replies that at least she has not let herself become cynical and bitter like him. Gigi eventually moves on from Alex, however, in a role reversal, Alex begins falling for Gigi. After leaving several unanswered messages, Alex arrives at Gigi’s apartment to declare his love. Gigi thinks that she is the rule, but after Alex suddenly kisses her passionately, he says that she is his exception.

Janine, Ben, and Anna

Gigi’s friend and co-worker Janine Gunders (Jennifer Connelly) is having difficulties in her marriage to Ben (Bradley Cooper). As Janine obsesses on their home renovations, Ben becomes attracted to Anna Marks (Scarlett Johansson), a yoga instructor and aspiring singer, and the feeling is mutual. Ben and Anna pursue a flirtatious friendship under the pretense of him helping her establish a singing career. Ben reveals to Anna that Janine once gave him an ultimatum by threatening to leave him if he did not propose. Ben agrees to be friends with Anna, and in order to flirt with him she strips and jumps naked into a swimming pool. She invites him to join, but he decides against it.Fervently anti-smoking (due to her father’s death from lung cancer), Janine pointedly asks Ben if he has been smoking and later is perturbed to find cigarette butts hidden in their back yard. Ben insists that they are not his, and their contractor, Javier (Luis Guzman), says none of his workers smoke at the house. During a tense shopping trip, Ben reveals to Janine that he has cheated on her. Janine is devastated but rationalizes Ben’s behavior, blaming herself for being too cold in the relationship, and decides she wants to save their marriage.After a positive meeting about her singing career, Anna begins to have sex with Ben in his office. They are interrupted by Janine who, hoping to spice up their marriage, has arrived unexpectedly. Anna hides in a closet, and Ben attempts to send Janine away who then makes a heartfelt plea to save their marriage, and there are indications she succeeds in seducing him. After Janine leaves, Anna angrily departs vowing to cut ties with Ben. As Janine tidies up Ben’s clothes back at their completed house, she discovers a fresh pack of cigarettes in a pocket, and she explodes in anger. When Ben returns home, he finds his clothes neatly folded with a carton of cigarettes and a note attached from Janine asking for a divorce. Janine moves into a new apartment by herself to start a new life, and Anna is later seen performing at an upscale nightclub. Ben is alone, purchasing the same beer at the same supermarket where he met Anna.

Conor, Anna, and Mary

Meanwhile, Anna enjoys a close friendship with Alex’s friend, Conor. He is romantically interested in her, but Anna is only interested in a casual relationship. Conor misinterprets her hugs and cute nicknames for potential romantic interest. Anna’s friend, Mary Harris (Drew Barrymore), works in advertising for a local newspaper, and helps Conor promote his real estate business in a series of print ads. Like Gigi, she meets many men (mostly online), but despite constantly monitoring emails, pager, phone, and Myspace messages, her dates go nowhere. While Conor attempts to cultivate a gay clientele, two gay men tell him how he is going wrong with Anna. Taking their advice, Conor decides to declare his love to Anna. Vulnerable after falling out with Ben, Anna agrees to start a serious relationship with him. But when Conor proposes buying a house and moving in together, Anna admits she doesn’t want to, and they break up.Mary later runs into Conor, recognizing him from his ad photo, and introduces herself, since they have only spoken over the phone. They hit it off, and start dating.

Beth and Neil

Gigi’s other co-worker, Beth Murphy (Jennifer Aniston), is living with her boyfriend, Neil (Ben Affleck), who is also friends with Ben. After seven years of dating, Beth wants to get married, but Neil does not believe in marriage. With Gigi’s newfound pragmatic stance on relationships after advice from Alex, she announces she will no longer misinterpret vague gestures from men as more than they really are. This spurs Beth to confront Neil about their relationship. When he still doesn’t want to get married, she breaks up with him.Later, the preparations for her younger sister’s wedding brings the issue into sharper focus for Beth after hearing many back-handed comments from various family members. During the reception, her father Rod (Kris Kristofferson) suffers a heart attack. Beth looks after him as he recuperates while her sisters wallow, and their husbands remain glued to the television playing video games and watching football with constant takeout as the household falls into chaos. As Beth reaches the end of her patience looking after her siblings and in-laws as well as her recovering father, Neil arrives with groceries and helps with the chores. The two reconcile, with Beth saying that Neil is more of a husband to her than her sisters’ spouses are to them, and she will not insist they be married. Neil later proposes to her, and they marry in an intimate ceremony aboard his sailboat.I thoroughly enjoyed this film, The performances of the actors/actresses were first rate, even Ben Affleck (often critisised for the quality of his performances) has pulled it out of the bag. Drew Barrymore’s character had more of a back bench than the others, but she did it well. For me, Scarlet Johansson and Ginnifer Goodwin completely made the film.