REVIEW: FAST SOFA

CAST

Jake Busey (Starship Troopers)
Crispin Glover (Alice In Wonderland)
Natasha Lyonne (American Pie)
Adam Goldberg (Deja Vu)
Eric Roberts (The Dark Knight)
Jennifer Tilly (Cult of Chucky)
Bijou Phillips  (Hostel: Part II)
Glenn Shadix (Beetlejuice)

dick1This road picture follows a dope fiend named Rick, who believes his goal in life is to track down Ginger, a famous porn star who is currently staying in her Beverly Hills hideaway. Rick is obsessed with Ginger, watches her movies obsessively, and deals drugs on the side, all to the chagrin of his lover Tamara. He decides to seek out Ginger via the road, and along the way picks up Jules, a neurotic, virginal type.cp5I personally enjoyed this movie a lot. It doesn’t have neither a sophisticated story line nor stupid cheesy elements which are so often encountered in mainstream films. The movie has a nothing-to-lose feel about it, which is very relaxing and enjoyable.

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REVIEW: THE PROPHECY II

CAST

Christopher Walken (Pulp Fiction)
Russell Wong (Romeo Must Die)
Jennifer Beals (Lie To Me)
Brittany Murphy (Sin City)
Eric Roberts (The Dark Knight)
Steve Hytner (Roswell)
Bruce Abbott (The Net: The Series)
J.G. Hertzler (Star Trek: DS9)
Tom Towles (The Devil’s Rehects)
Danny Strong (Buffy)
Kathryn Morris (Cold Case)

bfb1c-theprophecyiibrittanymurphyLucifer (Guri Weinberg) ejects Gabriel from Hell, claiming the War of Heaven isn’t his to fight and Hell isn’t big enough for Gabriel and he. Gabriel’s new mission is to prevent the birth of a child, a nephilim, the offspring of an angel and a human. The coming of this child, said to precede reconciliation between the warring factions in heaven, has been prophesied by Thomas Daggett, now a monk. The child’s conception takes place when Valerie, a nurse, is seduced by an attractive stranger (the angel Danyael) whom she hit with her car. She finds a few days later that she is pregnant.prof-2Gabriel attempts to find the whereabouts of the child from Daggett, but kills him when he refuses to help. When Danyael kills members of Gabriel’s army of angels, Gabriel instead employs the assistance of a teenage girl (Izzy) who has just committed suicide. Gabriel keeps her alive to help him in his search for Valerie (despite his powers as an angel, he is completely naive about technology, and is unable to drive a car or work a computer and has her use her computer skills to find her and drive him around). Gabriel’s war against Danyael and the other angels climaxes in a battle in Eden, now an industrial wasteland. Danyael and Izzy are killed, but Valerie defeats Gabriel by seizing him and jumping from a building, confident that God will protect her as He told her He would (she reveals that Gabriel is unable to hear His voice as he simply does not listen); she is indeed unharmed, but Gabriel is impaled on a spike. As punishment, Gabriel is turned into a human by Michael. Valerie raises the child by herself, accepting the risk that the angels may come for her. The film ends with Gabriel as a derelict; a face in the sky and ominous clouds show that the war in heaven is not over.The-Prophecy-II-BealsI actually enjoyed this sequel. Walken may well be the only actor capable of truly portraying Gabriel, and he is absolutely at his best in The Prophecy II. There’s even more dark humor this time around in terms of his relationships with humans and their technology, and I found this ending even better than that of the first movie.

REVIEW: AMITYVILLE: DEATH HOUSE

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CAST

Eric Roberts (Best of The Best)
Krysten St. Pieere (Mr. Righteous)
Michael Merchant (She Kills)
Cassandra Hayes (Tales of Dracula)
Danille Donahue (Queen Crab)

 The only actor people will  know here is Eric Roberts who doesn’t even actually show his face. I’m pretty sure that says something about this. A lot of the actors are first timers or collaborators of Polonia. Haha I swear some of the acting IS just like a 70s porno. I just couldn’t help but laugh at all of these “actors”. The sheriff has to be one of the worst I have seen portrayed on film. He doesn’t want to look for a missing person and after clearly driving through a ghost he looks around to see if people are okay. Everyone has such delayed and lazy reactions. I mean there is a point where some characters just need to be written better. As for the story – Good lord this starts out with one of the most incoherent messes I have seen. The CGI is really awful and kind of unnecessary. The gore/make up looks like something from the 70s made by people who never got it right. Here again we have a film that looks like it was filmed by someone who doesn’t know how to work a camera. The sets kind of looks like something from old porn movies. It doesn’t look quite as awful as Asylum though. It’s even much easier to see what is going on. There are a lot of questionable moments here. The grandma looks awful yet the granddaughter is only worried about how long she has been in bed. Oh man these death scenes are something else. I mean the way they are presented and not the ways in which they are killed. The ending was an insane mess. I don’t know why there is a thing such as witch’s teats nor why it makes the person look like a human with a line of animal type nipples. That was weird and even weirder how they go about showing them. The spider lady was probably the best thing about this and that isn’t saying much.
Even the cast looks bored by their own movie.
This was not as bad as the previous one, but it was pretty damn close. I’m just glad that this was so short. There is only so much cheese and bad writing/acting I can take in one movie. This was absolutely ridiculous and nonsensical. Enter at your own risk. I regret seeing this for sure. Noteworth is the 12th Amityville film the 13th was Amityville Playhouse and yes there is a 14th planned

 

REVIEW: HUNT TO KILL

CAST

Steve Austin (Damages)
Eric Roberts (The Dark Knight)
Gary Daniels (Deadly Target)
Marie Avgeropoulos (50/50)
Gil Bellows (Sanctuary)
Emilie Ullerup (Leprechaun: Origins)
Michael Eklund (Bates Motel)
Donnelly Rhodes (Battlestar Galactica)
Michael Hogan (Red Riding Hood)
Adrian Holmes (Elysium)
Brent Stait (Andromeda)

7116_7_screenshotFour years ago, border patrol agent Jim Rhodes (Steve Austin) was stationed in Texas. Jim and his partner, his longtime friend Lee Davis (Eric Roberts), are staking out what looks like an empty trailer. As a gift, Lee gives Jim a watch that has a band made from climbing rope. The band can be unraveled and used in case of emergency. After Jim calls for backup, Jim and Lee decide to go in. What they find is a meth lab that looks abandoned. But two men come up from a door that was built into the trailer’s floor, and they open fire, shooting Lee. Jim kills the two men, and another man opens fire from under the trailer. Jim makes the man come up through the same door the other two came through, and the man sets the trailer on fire. Lee kills the man, and Lee tells Jim to run, just before Lee dies. Reluctantly, Jim leaves Lee behind, running out of the trailer as it explodes because of the highly volatile chemicals used for producing meth.CrossbowNow, Jim and his rebellious teenage daughter Kim (Marie Avgeropoulos) are living in the mountains in Lowery, Montana. In Reno, Nevada, a man named Lawson (Michael Hogan) and his crew of thieves have just robbed the Hotel Palacio casino. Lawson takes the millions of dollars in bearer bonds they stole, and leaves a bomb behind in a warehouse to kill the rest of the thieves, who include his psychopathic right-hand man Banks (Gil Bellows). Banks defuses the bomb, and with the help of a tracking device, Banks thinks he knows exactly where Lawson is going. Banks and the other thieves—Jensen (Gary Daniels), Geary (Michael Eklund), Crab (Adrian Holmes), and Dominika (Emilie Ullerup)—vow to find Lawson and get the bonds back.grave-encounters-2-2012-ghost-girl-chase-scene-reviewIn Montana the next day, Kim says she’s going to her friend Megan’s house to help Megan pack for a trip. Later, Jim gets a call from Sheriff Westlake (Donnelly Rhodes), who says he has Kim in his office for shoplifting. Jim goes to Westlake’s office, and finds Banks and his crew there, beating Westlake up. Banks believes that Lawson is in Montana, and is planning to cross into Canada by foot. Banks wants to find Lawson and get the bonds, and Banks says that Westlake is not being very accommodating. Banks kills Westlake. Banks wants Jim to guide them through the mountains, to find Lawson. In order to make Jim do it, Banks takes Kim hostage. Banks tells Jim that if Jim screws up in any way, Kim dies.htk2In the mountains, it’s a grueling trek. At one point, Crab tries to rape Kim, and Jim beats Crab up, breaking several of his bones. After that, Jensen fatally shoots Crab. After they find Lawson and the money, and Dominika fatally shoots Lawson, Banks sends Jim plunging off a cliff, and leaves him to die. Jim survives, and while Banks is forcing Kim to guide him and his crew, Jim carves some sharp points into some branches to make spears out of them, and finds a bag with a crossbow in it. Jim starts hunting Banks and his crew, who have left a wounded Geary behind after Banks beat Geary up for arguing with him. Jim shoots Geary three times with the compound bow. Geary tells Jim that Banks has taken over Lawson’s plan to go into Canada. As Geary begs Jim not to shoot again, Jim shoots an arrow into Geary’s chest, killing Geary. Next, Jim tracks the others down and confronts Jensen, who is a martial arts expert. Jim ends the grueling fight by fatally stabbing Jensen with a broken tree branch.maxresdefaultBanks wonders where Jensen is at, and Banks is feeling uneasy. Dominika, who is using a rope to hold on to Kim so she does not get away, tells Banks that they have to keep moving. Jim tracks them down, and throws one of the wooden spears he carved. Banks jumps out of the way, and the spear hits Dominika, killing her. That infuriates Banks. Kim tries to escape, but Banks doesn’t let her. Taking Kim with him, Banks finds an outpost where there are three Canadian cops, and three ATVs. Banks kills the three cops, punches Kim and knocks her down, and then takes off on one of the ATVs. Jim finds Kim, and he tells her to take one of the remaining two ATVs and go for help while Jim goes after Banks with the other one. Jim chases Banks down, and they fight. Jim chases Banks down a hill and into what looks like an abandoned factory. Banks even fires a flare gun at Jim. They try to hit each other with shovels. Banks hits Jim a couple of times, and then Jim beats Banks up and hits Banks in the face with a shovel, knocking Banks down.image.pngJim thinks it’s over, but Banks gets back up and tries to shove Jim through the nearby catwalk’s guard rail. Jim turns the tables, and shoves Banks down onto the pile of wooden skids below. Jim, taking the bonds with him so he can return them, goes outside and sees Kim, who says she couldn’t leave him. Banks stumbles outside, and he says “Did you think you could take my money?” Jim tells Kim to get back, and Jim gets on one of the ATVs. Banks says “You can’t kill me!” Jim says “When I hunt, I hunt to kill.” And then Jim floors it, and rams the ATV right into Banks, pinning Banks up against a wall just inside the building, and gas is leaking from the ATV. Jim starts walking away. Again, Banks says “You can’t kill me!” Kim urges Jim to kill Banks for what he’s done. Jim fires the flare gun at the ATV, causing an explosion that kills Banks. Jim and Kim are glad they’ve survived, but they know they have a long walk home.250947_originale_bgAll in all, bar decent production values and a cracking lead in Austin this one ain’t gonna set your world on fire, It’s a film that you need to shut your brain off to watch, but if you have a slow night it passes the time.

REVIEW: JURASSIC HUNTERS (AKA COWBOYS VS DINOSAURS)

CAST

Eric Roberts (Amityville: Death House)
Vernon Wells (Power Rangers Tiem Force)
Casey Fitzgerald (The Shift)
Rib HIlls (Port CHarles)
John Freeman (Luna)
Sara Malakul Lane (Sun Choke)

maxresdefaultShortly after an injured cowboy, Val, returns home to make amends with his ex-girlfriend and father (Eric Roberts), a group of geologists set off a huge explosion at the local mine. However, instead of finding precious metal, they accidentally unearth hundreds of terrorising and formerly believed extinct, breeds of prehistoric dinosaurs. Anarchy ensues as the rampaging beasts are unleashed upon Val s trembling hometown, running amok and hunting the horror-struck humans who have become their prey. In order to save the terrified citizens, Val has to use his animal-taming skills and band together with the local gunslingers, risking their lives to defeat the deadly predators. Only one species can win. Who will survive? PHLrhdfzhjK0OO_1_lThe title(s) alone suggests that this movie is going to be ridiculous and trust me it does not disappoint. The acting? Bad. Special effects? Some of the worst I’ve ever seen. Plot? It’s there but as bad as everything else. All these are ingredients for a horrible movie but a horrible movie that one with a sense of humor should certainly get a kick out of. I cracked up watching this movie especially the ridiculous ending. cowboys-vs-dinosaursI shouldn’t have to tell you to go into watching this kind of movie knowing it’s bad or to watch this with a sense of humor, you should know this by the title alone. Anyone expecting something like Jurassic Park is barking up the wrong tree here. Enjoy this movie, it’s wonderfully awful!

REVIEW: WOLVES OF WALL STREET (2002)

CAST

Jeff Branson (I Spit On Your Grave)
William Gregory Lee (Bitch SLap)
Eric Roberts (The Dark Knight)
Michael Bergin (Baywatch)
Jason-Shane Scott (The Wrong Student)
John-Paul Lavoisier (One Day In May)
Bradley Stryker (SMallville)
Eisa Donovan (Sabrina: TTW)
Will Keenan (Tromeo & Juliet)
Natalie Light (Dark Fields)
Traci Ann Wolfe (Sweet Home Alabama)

movie_254-1Wanting to be a Wall Street stock broker since as long as he could remember young Jeff Allen,William Gregory Lee,was about to make his dream come true when he traveled to New York City from his home in Ohio to make his bones on what’s called the street of gold and broken dreams: Wall Street. It turned out that becoming a Wall Street stock & bond broker wasn’t as easy as he at first thought since he had no experience at all in selling and buying stocks or bonds. Hurt and depressed Jeff goes into a local Wall Street watering hole, after another day of looking for and not finding a job, to drink his troubles away and meets the bartender pretty Annie Morris (Elisa Donovan). Annie telling Jeff that her late husband was a player, big shot, in the stock market she gives him a tip that there’s this group, or pack, of stock brokers that go to the bar every evening after work and that their boss a man named Dyson Keller(Eric Roberts) is always on the lookout for new recruits in his brokerage house the very successful Wolfs Bros.oborotni-s-uoll-strit-scene-1Getting to talk to Keller Jeff hits it right off with him and Keller offers him a job, if he could survive the two weeks of training, in Wolfs Bros. which Jeff jumps at. Becoming a member of the firm Jeff is at first very happy with his job but as time goes by he begins to realize that he’s not working with a brokerage firm but with a pack of wolves lead by the two alpha males of the group Keller and fellow stock broker Vince, Michael Bergin. Eating raw meat and giving off a scent to attract the female of the species, wolf-women, to mate with as well as staking out their territory by marking it with their liquid bodily waste was the order of the day, and night, of the Wolfs Bros. stock brokers. Jeff trying to get away from this insanity starts to make it with Annie, who he fell in love with, and before you know it he’s living with Annie in her apartment. Keller who’s also in love, or better yet in lust, with Annie would not stand for one of his lower echelon pack members having a mate that he won’t share with him, the top dog, and his fellow brokers. It also turns out that Annie’s late husband Tyler, Jeff Branson, was also a pack member of the Wolfs Bros. brokerage house and was murdered by Keller and his wolf-pack when he tried to leave it which is what Jeff is now thinking of doing.tmb_4280_480

Off-the-wall film about wolf men and women who act and think like, but aren’t, werewolves like the ones we see on TV and in the movies and making complete fools of themselves trying to be them. There’s a number of long and boring scenes in the movie especially those that have to do with the brokers getting involved hot and heavy with their mates, hot to trot wolf-women, that go on forever. The ending has Jeff, with he help of Annie, fighting off and killing Keller Vince and their wolf pack with, I kid you not, a silver pen not bullet putting an end to this whole Wolfs Bros. wolf pack insanity once in for all.oborotni-s-uoll-strit-scene-4

Wolves of Wall Street reminds me in some way of the sequence in the 1981 movie “Wolfen” when a pack of wolves, or Wolfen, descend on Wall Street one evening, from their home in the burnt-out South Bronx, and massacre a number of people unfortunate enough to be there at the time; that’s about the only thing that I can think of to compare the movie with. It’s hard to try to understand what Wolves of Wall Street is trying to tell you besides the story of a pack of insane stock brokers more interested in a full moon then in making a 10% commission for executing a multi-million dollar stock transaction.

REVIEW: DOA: DEAD OR ALIVE

 

CAST
Jaime Pressly (Mom)
Devon Akoi (Sin City)
Holly Valance (Taken)
Sarah Carter (Smallville)
Natassia malthe (Bloodrayne 2 & 3)
Kane Kosugi (Ninja Sentai Kakuranger)
Eric Roberts (The Finder)
Matthew Marsden (Black Hawk Down)
Brian White (The Cabin In The Woods)
A group of martial arts and combat masters are invited to a fighting contest, “Dead or Alive”, on an isolated island within an advanced complex, with the ultimate prize of $10 million. Among the competitors are Kasumi, a shinobi ninja-princess looking for her brother Hayate (who was competing in the last tournament), Tina, a professional wrestler setting out to prove she has more potential (complicated by her father Bass being one of the contenders), Christie, a master thief and assassin, her treacherous partner Maximillian ‘Max’ Marsh, and Hayabusa, a friend of Kasumi and Hayate who follows Kasumi to keep her safe, using the invitation to DOA for this. A final competitor is Helena Douglas, daughter of the tournament’s late founder. When they arrive, they are monitored by the island’s supervisor, Dr. Victor Donovan, who, aided by egghead Weatherby, is gathering data (using injected nano-sensors) from the fights for some mysterious project. To add to the situation, an assassin from Kasumi’s colony, named Ayane, has followed Kasumi to kill her and wipe away the disgrace the princess has caused to the clan.
The contest plays out, with multiple contestants fighting and being defeated (including Gen Fu, Bayman, Leon, and Zack), until only Kasumi, Christie, Hayabusa and Tina are left, with Helena being defeated by Christie. During the course of the film, Max and Christie form a plan to steal the fortune stowed away inside a hidden vault. During her fight, Christie sees that the key to finding and unlocking the vault is a tattoo on the back of Helena’s neck. Meanwhile, Kasumi begins to suspect Donovan of lying about her brother being killed in the previous tournament, and Hayabusa, infiltrating the main facility to find the truth, is captured. She is more than once confronted and nearly killed by Ayane, who Kasumi tries to convince that Hayate is alive (since it is eventually clear that Ayane loves Hayate). Also, Weatherby begins to fall for Helena, and in the end tells her about what he knows of the mystery project, and that before Helena’s father could shut the project down, he died (indicating that he was murdered).
On the final day of the tournament, wondering where Hayabusa is, Kasumi, Christie and Tina look for him and discover a secret entrance to the main complex, where they find Hayabusa unconscious. They are then gassed and captured. Meanwhile, Helena resolves to stop the mystery project, and has to fight the armed staff of the island, sent to kill her and Weatherby by Donovan. They are followed inside by Max, who finds his way to the vault, and is then knocked out by Bayman, who is working for Donovan. Inside the main complex, Donovan shows the four semifinalists the project he has been developing; an advanced form of neural interface that allows him and others to use the fighters’ combined skills to become the ultimate fighter. After ‘downloading’ the data into the device (shaped like a pair of sunglasses), he then shows that he kept Hayate alive and in peak condition to test the technology. He challenges Hayate to fight and win, if the others are to survive. Hayate accepts and is defeated, then thrown through a wall to die. Hayate is saved by Ayane, and the two of them apparently accept each other.
With the successful demonstration, Donovan prepares to sell the technology around the world, and begins “downloading” it to the watching buyers. Weatherby stops the broadcast and alerts the CIA, which provokes Donovan to head for them. Helena keeps Donovan back while Weatherby frees the others, but both are defeated and Donovan activates a self-destruct sequence which will obliterate the base. Kasumi, Helena, Christie, Tina, Ayane, and Hayate launch a combined attack on Donovan, while Hayabusa and Weatherby find Max and escape with him, despite Max’s urge to go back for the money. During the battle with the fighters, Donovan’s ‘glasses’ are knocked off and he is easily paralyzed by Hayate and Kasumi. The fighters then all escape as the base explodes and Donovan is consumed by the flames, making their escape by a hijacked pirates’ boat.
In the final scene, Helena, Ayane, Christie, Tina, and Kasumi are shown together again preparing to fight an army of ninja in Kasumi’s palace.
it is a fun and escapist film to pass an hour and a half.