REVIEW: MADNESS IN THE METHOD

Danny Trejo, Kevin Smith, Vinnie Jones, Jaime Camil, and Jason Mewes in Madness in the Method (2019)

Starring

Jason Mewes (Bottoms Up)
Kevin Smith (Chasing Amy)
Teri Hatcher (Lois & Clark)
Matt Willis (Allies)
Jaime Camil (Jane The Virgin)
Vinnie Jones (The Cape)
Gina Carano (Deadpool)
Danny Trejo (Machete)
Stan Lee (Mallrats)
Matthew Sterling Nye (Iron Man 3)
David Dastmalchian (Reprisal)
Mickey Gooch Jr. (How To Be Single)
Brian O’Halloran (Clerks)
Esther Anderson (Home and Away)
Blake Harrison (Dad’s Army)
Dean Cain (Supergirl)
Judd Nelson (New Jack City)
Harley Quinn Smith (One Upon A Time In Hollywood)
Zach Galligan (Gremlins)
Casper Van Dien (Starship Troopers)
Evanna Lynch (Harry Potter)

Jason Mewes in Madness in the Method (2019)I’ve enjoyed Jason Mewes’ body work since I first saw him in Clerks; I’ve laughed at his antics, his catchphrases and his overall screen persona. I firmly believe that Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back would have been nothing without him, he is one of the main reasons it’s one of my favourite comedies of all time. Naturally, I’m impressed at how much he has grown through the ups and downs in his life, and how his friendship with Kevin Smith and being part of his cinematic universe has shaped him up into this person now ready to break through with own art in order to make a name for himself. Of course, he had help to be able to craft his creation, which instinctively deals with his own persona, a mixture of his artistic and real self, trying to be taken serious as an actor in Hollywood. His film deals heavily with aspects of his very own life, like his addiction to drugs, his silly catchphrases and his long-time friendship with Kevin Smith, whom as expected, performs in this film as himself, having two or three scenes, one of which has an apparently enormous closeness to reality when he and Jason find themselves arguing over hidden bitter resentments.Following advice from Fernando (Jaime Camil), whom lends him a book on method acting, Jason decides to pursue this business so that he can be believable as a serious actor, but in ends up driving him insane. Acting-wise, Jason is quite solid in his rendition; it’s obvious he’s dealing with a fictionalized version of himself, but is a good one, considering he is not a professional actor. His debut as a director, however, is not met without flaws, but as someone without any filmic experience it’s not a bad production, it’s quite decent as a resulting product.When it comes to the plot, there’s some sillyness to it, but it’s a sillyness I can understand, it’s not even goofiness related to Jason’s character in Kevin Smith movies, but one that it’s fitting with the comedy/crime tone that Mewes tried to conduct. So overall, if you’re a Jason fan, and understand where he’s coming from, you’ll sure get a kick out of this.

REVIEW: 3 FROM HELL

Starring

Bill Moseley (Texas Chainsaw)
Sheri Moon Zombie (Halloween)
Sid Haig (The Lords of Salem)
Richard Brake (Mandy)
Danny Trejo (Machete)
Dee Wallace (ET)
Daniel Roebuck (Lost)
Jeff Daniel Phillips (Faster)
Bill Oberst (Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies)
Austin Stoker (Battle For TPOTA)
Emilio Rivera (Venom)
Clint Howard (Solo: A Star Wars Story)
David Ury (Powers)
Wade Williams (Prison Break)
Sean Whalen (Superstore)
Richard Riehle (The Fan)
Lucinda Jenney (Rain Man)
Jan Hoag (Scream Queens)
Noel Gugliemi (Gamer)
Barry Bostwick (Spy Hard)
Christopher B. Duncan (Black Lightning)

Sheri Moon Zombie and Pancho Moler in 3 from Hell (2019)The film opens with several news reports covering the events of the prior film. Through the reports, it is revealed that Baby, Otis, and Captain Spaulding miraculously survived their shootout with the police and that they will be tried for their crimes. The trial is widely covered nationwide and becomes a cause célèbre, resulting in the organization of protests that insist the trio’s innocence. Numerous fanatics also adopt the chant “Free the Three”, claiming that their crimes were committed as a means to fight against the system. Despite this, all three are found guilty and sentenced to life in prison. In addition to the final verdict, Captain Spaulding is executed via lethal injection. Otis’ half-brother, Winslow Foxworth “Foxy” Coltrane, shows up to help Otis escape from prison while he is outside doing work on a chain gang. In the process, Otis kills Rondo, who was also on the chain gang after having been arrested some time after the end of the previous film and been sent to the same prison, but did not recognized Otis. Meanwhile, Baby unsuccessfully seeks parole, as her mental state has further deteriorated since her incarceration.Richard Brake and Bill Moseley in 3 from Hell (2019)Once free, Otis and Foxy begin planning to free Baby from prison. To accomplish this, they kidnap the family and friends of the prison’s warden, Virgil Dallas Harper. Otis and Foxy demand that Harper help Baby sneak out of prison or they will murder everyone they hold hostage. Harper follows their commands and sneaks Baby out of prison by disguising her as a guard. However, once Baby is freed, Otis and Foxy decide to eliminate the loose ends and kill all the hostages, as well as Harper. Now united, the three are undecided as to what to do next but eventually decide to flee to Mexico, a decision that is made more pressing due to Baby’s growing instability.Sheri Moon Zombie and Dee Wallace in 3 from Hell (2019)Otis, Baby, and Foxy manage to successfully cross the border and flee to a small town in Mexico that is celebrating the Day of the Dead and hole up in the town’s lone hotel. They briefly worry about being recognized but dismiss these concerns, unaware that the hotel’s owner has in fact recognized them and has alerted Rondo’s son, Aquarius, to their location. The owner keeps them occupied with both the celebration and local prostitutes, while Aquarius heads out to the location with several henchmen in tow. The following morning, Baby bonds with a local worker, Sebastian, who notices Aquarius’s arrival. He warns Baby of the danger before running to warn Otis, just as Aquarius’s men break into the whorehouse. Otis and Sebastian hold off the attackers until Foxy arrives and rescues them both. Otis separates from them, managing to successfully find the hotel owner and kill him. During this time, Baby manages to kill several of Aquarius’s men using a bow and arrow set she took from Harper’s house. Eventually, Foxy and Baby are outmatched by Aquarius and taken prisoner. During this, Aquarius tells Sebastian he’s not worth the bullet and leaves him for dead. Aquarius and his remaining goons use Baby and Foxy to draw Otis out into the open.Sheri Moon Zombie in 3 from Hell (2019)Otis appears, and squares off against one of Aquarius’s men in a knife fight while Sebastian sneaks up and silently frees both Foxy and Baby. This enrages Aquarius, distracting his man in the knife fight and allowing Otis to gain the upper hand. He, Baby, and Foxy manage to overpower Aquarius, however Sebastian is shot and killed in the process. The film ends with the trio immolating Aquarius before walking off into the Mexican town.Richard Brake, Sheri Moon Zombie, and Bill Moseley in 3 from Hell (2019)With House Of 1000 Corpses we have a retro, grindhouse throwback set in a house of a haunted nightmare world. With Devil’s Rejects we are shifted into a western revenge movie with an “angel” (Officer Wydell) facing the devil’s (The Fireflies). With this latest chapter, we are in shifted in the direction of a self-aware subsequent blend of the first two movies. Rob combined the brutality, and grittiness of Rejects, with the wacky, Retro stylish throwback of Corpses and thus summoned 3 From Hell. If you enjoy self-aware, brutal, grindhouse, action horror then you will love this addition. Everyone else will despise it for not being a serious follow up.

REVIEW: ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO

Starring

Antonio Banderas (Mask of Zorro)
Salma Hayek (Puss In Boots)
Johnny Depp (Ed Wood)
Mickey Rourke (Iron Man 2)
Eva Mendes (2 Fast 2 Furious)
Danny Trejo (Machete)
Enrique Iglesias (How I Met Your Mother)
Marco Leonardi (All the Money in the World)
Cheech Marin (Coco)
Rubén Blades (Predator 2)
Willem Dafoe (Spider-Man)

Johnny Depp in Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003)El Mariachi is recruited by CIA officer Sheldon Jeffrey Sands to kill General Emiliano Marquez, a corrupt Mexican Army officer who has been hired by Mexican drug lord Armando Barillo to assassinate the President of Mexico and overthrow the government during a period of unrest in Culiacán (the capital of Sinaloa) which is testing the presidency. Many years before, El Mariachi and his wife Carolina confronted Marquez in a shootout and wounded the general; in retaliation, Marquez took the lives of Carolina and their daughter in an ambush. In addition to El Mariachi, Sands persuades former FBI agent Jorge Ramírez to come out of retirement and kill Barillo, who had murdered his partner Archuleta in the past. Furthermore, AFN operative Ajedrez is assigned by Sands to tail Barillo.Enrique Iglesias in Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003)While monitoring Barillo’s activities, Ramírez meets Billy Chambers, an American fugitive who has been living under the protection of Barillo, but can no longer stomach the horrible tasks he’s been forced to carry out for him. Ramírez convinces Chambers he will provide him protection in exchange for getting closer to Barillo by tagging Chambers’ pet chihuahua with a hidden microphone, and Chambers agrees to complete the deal by surrendering to U.S. authorities once Barillo has been taken down. Sands’ agent, Cucuy, originally hired to keep an eye on El Mariachi, instead turns and tranquilizes El Mariachi and turns him over to Barillo, also offering to reveal the details of Sands’s plan. Cucuy, however, is promptly killed by Chambers while El Mariachi escapes from captivity and calls his friends Lorenzo and Fideo to assist him in his mission.Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek in Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003)While monitoring Barillo’s activity outside a hospital, Ramírez notices armed men storming the building and follows suit. He discovers that a group of doctors have been gunned down and Barillo has bled to death as a result of a botched facial reconstruction, but realizes that the corpse on the operating table is a body double before he is knocked out and kidnapped by the real Barillo and Ajedrez, who reveals herself to be Barillo’s daughter. Sands realizes that his mission has been compromised, but is too late, as he is captured by Barillo and Ajedrez — who drill out his eyes before sending him out. Despite his blindness, he manages to gun down a hitman tailing him with the aid of a chiclet boy.Antonio Banderas, Enrique Iglesias, and Marco Leonardi in Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003)As Culiacán celebrates the Day of the Dead during the President’s visit, Marquez and his army storm in and attack the presidential palace. Marquez’s troops, however, are met with resistance from not only the President’s bodyguards, but also the citizens of Culiacán and the Mariachis. Sands had instructed El Mariachi to allow the President to be killed before attacking Marquez, but the Mariachis, concluding that the President is a good man, intervene early and protect him. Marquez enters the presidential palace, only to once again confront El Mariachi, who shoots out his kneecaps before finishing him off with a headshot. Ramírez, who was released from captivity by Chambers, faces Barillo. After Barillo guns down Chambers, Ramírez and El Mariachi kill the drug lord. Sands manages to shoot the sadistic Ajedrez dead outside the presidential palace. Ultimately, Lorenzo and Fideo walk away with the cash that Barillo was using to pay Marquez, and help the president safely escape the attempted coup. Ramírez says goodbye to Sands and walks away, having avenged his partner’s death. El Mariachi then gives his share of the cash to his home village before walking into the sunset.A follow up to the Desperado film was not something I was expecting.So it came as a shock to see this third instalment in the El Mariachi series being made.But a pleasant surprise it is.It is high on sweltering Mexican style,with impressive camera style and angles.There is a complex and engaging story to follow,complimented by some riveting action scenes and classy dialogue.On the performances front,Antonio Banderas continues to personify Mariachi,with Salma Hayek well cast as his love interest and good support from Johnny Depp,Mickey Rourke and William Dafoe,not to mention Eva Mendes.A wholly worthwhile venture

 

REVIEW: THE DEVIL’S REJECTS

CAST

Sid Haig (Jackie Brown)
Bill Moseley (Arm of Darkness)
Sheri Moon Zombie (Halloween)
William Forsythe (The Rock)
Ken Foree (Dawn of The Dead)
Leslie Easterbrook (Halloween)
Geoffrey Lewis (Maverick)
Priscilla Barnes (Jane The Virgin)
Lew Temple (Lawless)
Danny Trejo (Machete)
Tom Towles (Miami Vice)
Michael Berryman (Star Trek IV)
P.J. Soles (Carrie)
Ginger Lynn (31)
Chris Ellis (Catch Me If You Can)
Daniel Roebuck (Lost)
Glenn Taranto (The New Addams Family)
Tyler Mane (X-Men)
Steve Railsback (Lifeforce)
Robert Trebor (Hercules: TLJ)
Brian Posehn (The Big Bang Theory)
Deborah Van Valkenburgh (Free Enterprise)
Duane Whitaker (Pulp Fiction)
Richard Epcar (One Punch Man)
Kane Hodder (Monster)

Rob Zombie’s second film picks up shortly after the events that finished up House Of 1,000 Corpses. The Firefly clan are holed up in a farmhouse, surrounded by cops and wanted for murdering seventy-five people. Needless to say, the police are pretty hot to get their hands on the clan, but they’re not going down without a fight and soon enough, a bloody shoot out goes down. Otis (Bill Moseley) and Baby (Sheri Moon) make it out of the house before the law closes in, but Mother Firefly (Leslie Easterbrook picking up where Karen Black left off) isn’t so lucky and the cops are only too happy to bring her into custody.
rejects31
Captain Spaulding, as luck would have it, was out of the house when the shoot out occurred, so he too manages to avoid the police and it doesn’t take him long to find out what’s happened. Once he does, he figures he should head on out and look for Baby and Otis, who have spent some time hiding out in a remote hotel where they’ve been holding a country and western band (made up of Priscilla Barnes, Geoffrey Lewis, Kate Norby and Lew Temple) hostage. One thing leads to another and soon Baby and Otis, after making waste of the band, head out to meet up with Spaulding at a whorehouse run by Spaulding’s ‘brother from another mother,’ Charlie Altamont (Ken Foree).
While the family is on the lam, Sheriff Wydell (William Forsyth) is becoming more and more obsessed with getting revenge on them for the murder of his brother in the first film. He rounds up a band of hired guns to help him out and heads into the desert to find the three Fireflies and give them what for.

Prod DB © Lions Gate Films / DR THE DEVIL'S REJECTS (THE DEVIL'S REJECTS) de Rob Zombie 2005 USA / ALL avec Sid Haig, Bill Moseley et Sheri Moon horreur, gore, otage, prisonniers, attaches, tortureRob Zombie has crafted one mean little movie this time out. While a lot of the black humor that made the first movie as fun as it was is still here, there’s a much stronger mean streak in The Devil’s Rejects that gives it a certain air of uneasiness. Otis and Spaulding as sicker, more depraved and more psychotic here than in the last film (if that’s possible) but the story allows us to get to know them better this time out, which makes for an interesting paradox. These are definitely not heroes or even anti heroes that we’re following in this film, they’re despicable human beings but their story is interesting and while we don’t necessarily root for them, the movie sucks us in enough that we do want to find out how it all ends.

DevilsRejects-SheriZombieIn addition to some brilliant casting choices, Zombie has also done an excellent job of recreating the dirty, sweaty atmosphere of so many of the seventies drive in horror and exploitation films that so obviously inspired him to make this movie. The film will leave you in need of a shower, it’s been baked in the sun a little too long and as such it’s got a strange funk to it that just makes an already fairly seedy movie even seedier. With supporting roles from Michael Berryman, Rosario Dawson (well, in a deleted scene), the late Matthew McGrory, Danny Trejo and Diamond Dallas Page as the Sheriff’s mercenary pals, P. J. Soles, Deborah Van Valkenburgh, Ginger Lynn Allen, Mary Woronov, and more, the film also makes for a fun game of ‘spot the b-movie celebrity’ you’re your friends.
vlcsnap-2015-04-06-02h14m31s233While the film played theatrically with an R-rating, this two-disc set is uncut. The main difference is the fact that the hotel room scene plays out a little longer than it did theatrically, the rest of the added content (to the best of this reviewer’s memory – I don’t have the R version to compare it to) is some restored trims to the nastier bits of violence in the movie.

25 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS REVIEW: DECEPTION (aka The Reindeer Games)

CAST

Ben Affleck (Batman V Superman)
Charlize Theron (Prometheus)
Gary Sinise (The Green Mile)
Dennis Farina (Get Shorty)
Donal Logue (Ghost Rider)
James Frain (Gotham)
Danny Trejo (Machete)
Isaac Hayes (South Park)
Clarence Williams III (The Butler)
Ashton Kutcher (Dude, Wheres My Car?)
Mark Acheson (Elf)
Enuka Okuma (Impulse)

Nick Cassidy and Rudy Duncan are cellmates in prison two days away from release. Nick has been corresponding with a young woman named Ashley Mercer, who is waiting for him on the outside. After Nick takes a shiv in a prison fight and dies, Rudy, who just wants to have a cup of hot chocolate after he reunites with his family, takes his place and lets the beautiful Ashley think he is the one who has been writing her. Gabriel, the leader of a gang who assaults Rudy and Ashley in their cabin, and is Ashley’s brother and tells “Nick” that the gang, with Nick’s help, will rob the casino he used to work at. Rudy reveals he is not Nick, but Ashley continues to confirm he is and that she wrote to him knowing Gabriel was going to kidnap and force Rudy to assist in the robbery. Rudy, while furious with Ashley, is reluctantly forced to go along with his ruse.Using the information from the real Nick’s prison cell stories, Rudy is able to devise a robbery plan and informs Gabriel that the biggest loot is hidden inside a safe in the manager’s office (the “PowWow” safe). On the night of the robbery, Rudy breaks out of his holding in order to find a way to arm himself as he knows Gabriel will kill him after the robbery. He stumbles upon Gabriel and Ashley and learns that they are lovers and partners in crime.The group robs the casino, each dressed as Santa Claus. Rudy, forced to take part in the robbery, hides the fact that he knows Ashley’s secret. Shots are fired and security guards and Santas are shot. Ashley drives into the Casino and lets Nick/Rudy know she is in on the heist. All meeting in the manager’s office, Gabriel introduces Rudy to the casino manager as Nick but the manager recognizes that he isn’t Nick and Rudy confesses. Gabriel, furious at Rudy’s deception, spares him for a moment when he demands to know where the “PowWow” safe is. When the manager opens the safe, he grabs guns from inside and kills one of the robbers as the rest flee. Rudy kills another one of the robbers and is then grabbed by Gabriel and Ashley who tie him up in their 18-wheeler truck.reindeer-games-christmas-movie-1-e1419439542843They plan to drive him off the edge of a cliff in a burning vehicle with a little of the money so that officials will guess all had been burned. After accidentally revealing too much information during an argument with Rudy, Ashley shoots and kills the now suspicious Gabriel. Shortly after, Nick appears, having staged his death at the prison. It is revealed that Ashley’s real name is Millie Bobeck and Rudy learns that the two had collaborated to rob the casino using Rudy and Gabriel and his gang. Ashley had known the entire time who Rudy truly was. Nick also informs Rudy that the prison stories were part of a set-up.

After they tie Rudy to the steering wheel to drive off the cliff, he produces a knife he had gotten earlier, cuts his bindings, hot wires the car, sets it to reverse and crushes Nick. With Ashley firing at him, he rams the fiery car into her and dives out as the car and Ashley go over the cliff. Nick tries to convince Rudy that they can share the money but Rudy locks him in the truck and also sends it over the cliff. Rudy picks up the stolen cash and begins distributing it in mailboxes he comes across on the way home to his family, and eats a Christmas dinner with them. The film closes with Rudy smiling.

Though it is a basic Action Thriller, there are many subdivisions, that will leave fans of any genre satisfied. Don’t know why they changed the name for the UK.

HALLOWEEN OF HORROR REVIEW: THE BOOK OF LIFE

Starring

Diego Luna (Rogue One)
Zoe Saldana (Avatar)
Channing Tatum (21 Jump Street)
Ice Cube (Ride Along)
Ron Perlman (Hellboy)
Kate del Castillo (No Good Deed)
Christina Applegate (Bad Moms)
Héctor Elizondo (The Princess Diaries)
Ana de la Reguera (Goliath)
Danny Trejo (Machete)
Grey Griffin (Danny Phantom)
Carlos Alazraqui (Family Guy)
Cheech Marin (Coco)
Miguel Sandoval (Oculus)

Christina Applegate in The Book of Life (2014)Mary Beth, a museum tour guide, takes a group of school detention students on a secret museum tour, telling them, with wooden figures, the story of a Mexican town called San Angel from the Book of Life, holding every story in the world.Diego Luna, Zoe Saldana, and Channing Tatum in The Book of Life (2014)On the Day of the Dead, La Muerte, ruler of the Land of the Remembered, and Xibalba, ruler of the Land of the Forgotten, see Manolo Sánchez and Joaquín Mondragon competing over María Posada. They strike a wager: if María marries Manolo, Xibalba will no longer interfere in mortal affairs, but if she marries Joaquín, La Muerte and Xibalba will swap realms. However, Xibalba cheats by giving Joaquín his Medal of Everlasting Life, which grants the wearer invincibility.Ron Perlman and Kate del Castillo in The Book of Life (2014)Years later, Joaquín has become a hero with the Medal’s aid, but Manolo’s musical aspirations are suppressed by his father Carlos, who trains him to be a bullfighter in their family tradition. At Manolo’s first bullfight he defeats the bull but refuses to kill it, dismaying Carlos and the crowd but impressing María. That night, María is pressured by her father and mayor, General Ramiro Posada, to marry Joaquín for his protection from the Bandit King Chakal. María and Manolo both profess their love before dawn but are interrupted when Xibalba sends his dual-headed snake staff, who bites her and sends her into a coma. Devastated by María’s apparent death, Manolo allows Xibalba to kill him, believing he will be reunited with María in death.Diego Luna and Zoe Saldana in The Book of Life (2014)In the Land of the Remembered, Manolo reunites with his mother and his ancestral family. They travel to La Muerte’s castle, discovering Xibalba, now the ruler of the realm, who explains the bet. Manolo travels to the Cave of Souls to reach La Muerte. Inside, he meets the Candle Maker, the overseer of mortal lives and the Book of Life’s keeper. The Candle Maker sees that Manolo’s story in the Book of Life is blank and can be rewritten by himself, so he takes them to the Land of the Forgotten. They find La Muerte at Xibalba’s castle and expose his cheating. Furious, La Muerte lectures Xibalba before offering a new wager at Manolo’s request: Manolo’s life will be returned if he completes a challenge of Xibalba’s choosing, but if he fails, he will be forgotten and Xibalba will keep both realms. Xibalba sets Manolo against a giant bull skeleton made from the skeletons of every bull slain by the Sanchez family, believing that to be his greatest fear.Zoe Saldana in The Book of Life (2014)Meanwhile, María had been awaken from her coma, learns of Manolo’s death, and accepts Joaquín’s proposal. Their wedding is interrupted by Chakal, who leads his army to San Angel to find the Medal, which was previously his. Chakal kills Carlos, who arrives in the Land of the Remembered in time to see Manolo’s fight. Manolo, realizing his fear is actually of being himself, refuses to fight and instead sings an apology to the bull, appeasing it and touching everyone present. Impressed, the deities resurrect Manolo and send him and his family to San Angel to protect it. Manolo is knocked unconscious when Chakal destructs himself, but he is protected by the Medal, which Joaquín had slipped him earlier. Joaquín returns it to Xibalba and resolves to be a true hero, while Manolo and María are happily married as Xibalba and La Muerte reconcile.Diego Luna in The Book of Life (2014)In the present, Mary Beth finishes the story, and the amazed children leave the museum. Mary Beth and a security guard reveal themselves to be La Muerte and Xibalba in disguise. The Candle Maker appears and encourages the audience to write their own story.Zoe Saldana in The Book of Life (2014)This is a beautiful animated film. Very unique in comparison to other animated films out there. I loved that it had funny parts – for adults as well as kids – but it isn’t a silly comedy. It is a gorgeous, epic folkloric tale of family, tradition and finding your own way.  It felt very genuine and warm throughout but the sweet romantic story was especially touching. You could tell a lot of love went into making this film.

HALLOWEEN OF HORROR REVIEW: 7 MUMMIES

 

CAST

Matt Schulze (The Fast and The Furious)
Cerina Vincent (Power Rangers Lost Galaxy)
Billy Wirth (The Lost Boys)
Billy Drago (Children of The Corn: Genesis)
Andrew Bryniarski (Any Given Sunday)
Danny Trejo (Machete)
Martin Kove (Savage)
Noel Gugliemi (Training Day)
Max Perlich (Blow)
Adrianne Palicki (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

7_Mummies_5

We open with two greedy gravediggers who get sliced up by an unseen presence before delving into the 5-minute credits sequence. Then we witness a tipped-over van, out of which fall a collection of slimy convicts and one extra-jiggly female guard. The group promptly decides to wander off into a surprisingly verdant desert wasteland, whereupon they come across a mumbling Danny Trejo. Vulgarities are exchanged, and then the convict crew (and busty broad) wanders off into the desert again, only to arrive at an authentic-style Old West town, complete with booze, whores, and  a bunch of lame-looking zombies who pop out once the sun goes down.And then it’s just a bunch of aimless meandering and tons of insipid dialogue before the flick winds down with an amusingly inept finale. A movie that wanted to be a From Dusk Till Dawn-style genre stew is, instead, a painfully inert, agressively silly, and absolutely dreary concoction. It’s a dumb story populated by obnoxious characters who do moronic things. Often.Noel-in-7-Mummies-noel-gugliemi-24693975-853-480First-time director Nick Quested makes all sorts of embarrassing mistakes: He allows his annoyingly incongruous rock & rap tunes to simply blare over the dialogue, the lighting on the flick is consistently insufficient, and there’s way too many redundant (not to mention pointless) fade-ins, fade-overs, and stutter-step editing gimmicks. And don’t even get me started on the horrific screenplay.B-movie fanatics will no doubt see a cast list that includes Cerina Vincent, Danny Trejo, Martin Kove, and Billy Drago, and get a few charitable thoughts in their head. Ignore those feelings and simply rent something else. Trust me. Cerina Vincent was the only reason I bought this, being a fan of hers ever since her Lost Galaxy days.