REVIEW: TWO AND A HALF MEN – SEASON 12

Starring

Ashton Kutcher (The Ranch)
Jon Cryer (Supergirl)
Conchata Ferrell (Krampus)
Amber Tamblyn (Girlfriend’s Day)
Marin Hinkle (Jumanji: Welcome To The Jungle)
Edan Alexander (Irreplaceable You)
Holland Taylor (D.E.B.S.)

Recurring / Notable Guest Cast

Kris Iyer (Buffy: TVS)
Michael Bolton (Teen Titans Go To The Movies)
Mimi Rogers (Ginger Snaps)
Courtney Thorne-Smith (Melrose Place)
Maggie Lawson (Santa Clarita Diet)
Ryan Stiles (Hot Shots)
D.B. Sweeney (Ice)
Clark Duke (Kick-Ass)
Alessandra Torresani (Caprica)
Melanie Lynskey (Heavenly Creatures)
Richard Riehle (Office Space)
Deanna Russo (Burning Love)
David Denman (Power Rangers)
Bill Smitrovich (Ted)
Gary Anthony Williams (Batman: The Dark Knight Returns)
Vernee Watson (The Big Bang Theory)
Judy Greer (Jurassic World)
Angus T. Jones (Bringing Down The Hous)
April Bowlbry (Doom PAtrol)
Missi Pyle (Gone Girl)
Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Terminator)
John Stamos (Full House)
Jennifer Taylor (Shameless)
Christian Slater (True Romance)
Sophie Winkleman (Chronicles of Narnia)
Emmanuelle Vaugier (Human Target)

Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher in Two and a Half Men (2003)Walden has a near-death experience, which causes him to take a good, long look at his life. Realizing his life has amounted to a whole lot of nothing so far, he tells Alan that he would like to adopt a child in order to add some meaning to his life. Walden soon discovers that it is next to impossible to adopt a child as a single dad, so he proposes to his roommate and long-time friend, Alan, and the two pose as a gay couple and ultimately adopt Louis. Of course, it wouldn’t be a season of Two and a Half Men if our guys didn’t behave badly, so it’s not long before Walden and Alan are scrambling to keep their secret while figuring out how to have some manly fun with the women in their lives!Ashton Kutcher in Two and a Half Men (2003)The Season story is mostly about the adoption of Louis, its a nice heartfelt story of two men trying t oraise an adoptive child, whilst trying to hide the fact they are both straight. When we get to the last few episodes we see both men in happy relationships, but the main event is obviously the last episode which features great guest stars such as Arnold Schwarzenegger, Christian Slater, and a whole host of returning cast members including, Jake. after 12 season the show still surprises and the final episode is a worth while conclusion to a show that has been on the air for 12 years.

REVIEW: BATMAN & ROBIN (1997)

CAST
George Clooney (The Perfect Storm)
Chris O’ Donnell (Hawaii Five-O)
Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Terminator)
Uma Thurman (Pulp Fiction)
Alicia Silverstone (Clueless)
Michael Gough (Corpse bride)
Pat Hingle (Shaft)
John Glover (Smallville)
Elle Macpherson (The Edge)
Vivica A. Fox (Idle Hands)
Jeep Swenson (The Bad Pack)
Ralf Moeller (The Scorpion King)
Coolio (Daredevil Directors Cut)
Jesse Ventura (The Running Man)
Doug Hutchison (Punisher: War Zone
Kimberly Scott (The Abyss)
Batman and Robin fail to stop Mr. Freeze from stealing a cache of diamonds. They learn that Freeze was once a scientist named Victor Fries, who became dependent on a diamond-powered subzero suit following an accident in a cryogenics lab while working to save his wife, Nora, from a terminal illness called MacGregor’s Syndrome.
Meanwhile, botanist Dr. Pamela Isley is experimenting with the strength serum “Venom” to create mutant plants capable of fighting back against mankind. She is angry that her senior colleague Dr. Jason Woodrue used her Venom to transform a diminutive prisoner into the “super soldier” Bane. She refuses to partner with Woodrue so he tries to kill her with animal-plant toxins and chemicals, causing her to transform into the beautiful Poison Ivy. She kills Woodrue with a venomous kiss and vows to establish botanical supremacy over the world.
Alfred Pennyworth’s niece Barbara Wilson makes a surprise visit from England and is invited to stay at Wayne Manor. Later, Barbara finds the Batcave and creates her own crime-fighting persona with the help of a computer simulation of Alfred. The real Alfred is suffering from MacGregor’s Syndrome. He is, however, in stage 1, for which Mr. Freeze has developed a cure despite being unable to cure his wife’s condition because it is too advanced.
Ivy arrives in Gotham City with Bane as her henchman. She interrupts a Wayne Enterprises press conference at the Gotham Observatory where a giant telescope is being unveiled. Ivy demands Bruce Wayne use his fortune to safeguard the natural environment at the expense of millions of human lives, and Bruce refuses. Ivy appears at the Gotham Botanical Gardens fundraiser, seducing everyone present with her pheromone dust, including the Dynamic Duo, who are there to protect a diamond from Mr. Freeze. When Freeze crashes the event Ivy is instantly captivated by his “ruthless charm”. Freeze is captured by Batman and detained at the Arkham Asylum but is released by Ivy.
Ivy turns off Nora Fries’ life support and makes Freeze believe Batman did it, persuading him that they should destroy Batman along with the society that created him. They plan to turn the observatory’s new telescope into a giant freeze ray to kill all humanity to allow Ivy’s mutant plants to take over the world.
Meanwhile, Robin is under Ivy’s seductive spell and is rebelling against Batman. Robin goes to meet Ivy at her garden hideout, where her venomous kiss fails to kill Robin because Batman had prevailed on him to coat his lips with rubber. Ivy tries to drown Robin in her lily pond and entangles Batman in her crushing vines, but they are able to free themselves when Batgirl arrives and traps Ivy in her own floral throne.
Batgirl reveals herself as Barbara. The three crime-fighters arrive at the Observatory to stop Freeze who has already frozen all of Gotham. Bane attacks Robin and Batgirl, but they incapacitate him and restore him to his original human state. Robin and Batgirl save Gotham by using the observatory’s satellites to reflect sunlight from outer space to thaw the city.
Batman shows Freeze video proof that Ivy pulled the plug on Nora and reveals that Batman was the one who saved her. He vows that Freeze will be allowed to continue his research at Arkham Asylum to cure Nora. Batman asks Freeze for his cure for the first stage of MacGregor’s Syndrome for Alfred and Freeze atones for his misdeeds by giving him two vials of the medicine.
At Arkham, Ivy is joined in her cell by Freeze, who vows to exact revenge on her. Back at Wayne Manor, Alfred is cured and Bruce invites Barbara to live with them, joining Batman and Robin to fight crime as Batgirl.
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Despite the bad reviews and criticism this film has received it is not all doom and gloom. Clooney is an interesting Batman, there are some finely choreographed fights, (a few not all) and there is a fine bike racing montage that is to watch out for. The Alfred sub story is also quite touching.But these are almost forgettable once the ending roles around and you are left with memories of a film that justifies the family viewing tag with some action figures who explain everything for you, some ridiculous costumes and a plot that is simply paper thin

REVIEW: LAST ACTION HERO

CAST
Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Terminator)
F. Murray Abraham (Thirteen Ghosts)
Art Carney (Firestarter)
Charles Dance (Game of Thrones)
Frank McRae (Rocky II)
Tom Noonan (Manhunter)
Anthony Quinn (Hercules and The Amazon Women)
Mercedes Ruehl (Big)
Austin O’Brien (Lawnmower Man 2)
Ian McKellen (The Hobbit)
Sven-Ole Thorsen (Mallrats)
Tina Turner (Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdrome)
Angie Everhart (Garden of Evil)
James Belushi (Red Heat)
Robert Patrick (Tammy)
Sharon Stone (Total Recall)
Jean-Claude Van Damme (Universal Soldier
Joan Plowright (Enchanted April)
Karen Duffy (Dumb and Dumber)
Michael Chieffo (Roswell)
Chevy Chase (Chuck)
Damon Wayans (My Wife and Kids)
Danny DeVito (Dumbo)
Peter Kent (Total Recall)
Persia White (The Vampire Diaries)
Timothy Dalton (Flash Gordon)
Danny Madigan is a teenage boy living in a crime-ridden area of New York City with his widowed mother Irene. To escape from his harsh reality, Danny often skips school to watch movies at the run-down Pandora movie theater, owned and managed by Danny’s friend Nick. Nick receives the film reels for Jack Slater IV, the latest in one of Danny’s favorite film series about the titular Los Angeles police detective and violent action hero, and offers to show it to Danny at a private screening just before the world premiere. To mark the occasion, Nick tears up a special ticket he received from Harry Houdini years ago, giving one half of the stub to Danny as a keepsake.
As the film starts, Danny is unaware that the stub glows with magic. When a lit stick of dynamite exits the film during a car chase scene and lands in the theater, Danny instinctively ducks for cover. When he comes to, he finds that he is now in the film, riding along with Slater who is in disbelief as how Danny arrived. At the LAPD headquarters, Danny tries to explain how this is all a film and explaining who the bad guys are, but Slater does not accept this. Despite this, Slater’s supervisor, Lt. Dekker, assigns Danny to work with Slater given his apparent knowledge of the villain. Danny leads Slater to the home of mob boss Tony Vivaldi which he saw in the opening of the film. Vivaldi denies any wrong doing and Slater is unable to arrest him despite Danny’s assurance of his crime. As they depart, Vivaldi’s assassin, Mr. Benedict, overhears Danny talking about the ticket stub, and discretely follows the two. That night, Benedict orders an attack on Slater’s home while he is introducing Danny to his daughter, Whitney. While Slater and Whitney fend off the attackers, Benedict is able to steal the ticket stub from Danny.
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From the attack, Slater learns of Vivaldi’s plot to kill a rival mob family at a rooftop funeral service using nerve gas, and he and Danny are able to foil the attack. Whitney helps to drive them to Vivaldi’s home, but they arrive just after Benedict has killed Vivaldi and used the ticket stub to create a portal to the real world. Danny and Slater follow. They lose track of Benedict quickly, and Slater becomes dishearted by the reality of this New York City. Danny introduces Slater to his mother, and from her, Slater comes to appreciate the harsh reality instead of the glamorized world he lives in, vowing to take a softer stance. They learn that Benedict believes he can kill Slater in this world by killing the actor that plays him, Arnold Schwarzenegger. After chasing Benedict down to the premiere of Jack Slater IV and saving Schwarzenegger’s life, they corner Benedict on the roof, finding that he has brought the Ripper, the villain from Jack Slater III and who had killed Slater’s son in that film. The Ripper attempts to kill Danny but Slater stops him in time. However, Danny ends up thrown from the roof and hanging for his life. As Slater attempts to rescue him, Benedict mortally shoots Slater and monologues on how he will use the ticket to bring more villains to life and take over this world. Danny uses the opportunity to knock Benedict down, and Slater is able to kill Benedict by firing into his exploding glass eye.
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The ticket stub flies free to the streets before they can grab it, and with no other ideas, Danny helps Slater back to the Pandora hoping to find a way to return Jack to his world where he should heal quickly due to its fictional nature. Shortly after they arrive, they find that Death from the The Seventh Seal, pulled out of the film by the loose ticket stub, has followed them. However, it is revealed that Death only approached the two out of curiosity: because of Slater’s fictional nature, “he’s not on any of [Death’s] lists.” After Danny explains the situation, Death suggests to find the other half of the ticket stub before departing. Danny empties the lobby stub box and finds the still glowing other half of the ticket stub and uses it to pull Slater back into the film. There, Slater quickly heals, his wound barely a scratch. After Danny calls for help, Slater tells Danny he must return to his world, and the two say their goodbyes. Danny returns and excited tells Nick of his adventure as Jack Slater IV ends, with Slater tells Dekker of his new insights on the world before driving off into the sunset.
It may be a satire, but Last Action Hero just may be one of the last true action films. Real stunts, real explosions, real destruction, reality gone twisted. It’s Arnold’s most subversive movie, and it’s many things, but bad ain’t one of them.

 

 

REVIEW: TOTAL RECALL (1990)

CAST

Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Terminator)
Sharon Stone (Catwoman)
Rachel Ticotin (Con Air)
Ronny Cox (Robocop)
Michael Ironside (X-Men: First Class)
Mel Johnson, Jr. (Hideous!)
Marshall Bell (Twins)
Robert Constanzo (Batman: TAS)
Marc Alaimo (Star Trek: DS9)
Dean Norris (The Cell)
Debbie Lee Carrington (Men In Black)
Lycia Naff (Star Trek: TNG)
Robert Picardo (Stargate: Atlantis)
Mickey Jones (V)
Rosemary Dunsmore (Orphan BLack)
Peter Kent (True Justice)

In 2084, Earthbound construction worker Douglas Quaid is having troubling dreams about Mars and a mysterious woman there. His wife Lori dismisses the dreams and discourages him from thinking about Mars, where the governor, Vilos Cohaagen, is fighting rebels while searching for a rumored alien artifact located in the mines. At “Rekall”, a company that provides memory implants of vacations, Quaid opts for a memory trip to Mars as a secret agent fantasy. However, during the procedure, before the memory is implanted, something goes wrong, and the story diverges between the question of what is real and what is hallucination. Apparently, Quaid starts revealing previously suppressed memories of actually being a secret agent. The company sedates him, wipes his memory of the visit, and sends him home. On the way home, Quaid is attacked by his friend Harry and some construction coworkers; he is forced to kill them, revealing elite fighting-skills. He is then attacked in his apartment by Lori, who reveals that she was never his wife; their marriage was just a false memory implant and Cohaagen sent her as an agent to monitor Quaid. He is then attacked and pursued by armed thugs led by Richter, Lori’s real husband and Cohaagen’s operative.
After evading his attackers, Quaid is given a suitcase containing money, gadgets, fake IDs, a disguise, and a video recording. The video is of Quaid himself, who identifies himself as “Hauser” and explains that he used to work for Cohaagen, but learned about the artifact and underwent the memory wipe to protect himself. “Hauser” instructs Quaid to remove a tracking device located inside his skull before ordering him to go to Mars and check into the Hilton with a fake ID. Quaid makes his way to Mars and follows clues to Venusville, the colony’s red-light district, primarily populated by people mutated as a result of poor radiation shielding. He meets Benny, a taxi driver, and Melina, the woman from his dreams; but she spurns him, believing that Quaid is still working for Cohaagen.
Quaid later encounters Dr. Edgemar and Lori, who claim Quaid has suffered a “schizoid embolism” and is trapped in a fantasy based on the implanted memories. Edgemar warns that Quaid is headed for lunacy and a lobotomy if he does not return to reality, then offers Quaid a pill that would waken him from the dream. Quaid puts the pill in his mouth, but after seeing Edgemar sweating in fear, he kills Edgemar and spits out the pill instead of swallowing it. Lori alerts Richter’s forces, who burst into the room and capture Quaid, but Melina rescues him, with Quaid killing Lori in the process. The two race back to the Venusville bar and escape into the tunnels with Benny. Unable to locate Quaid, Cohaagen shuts down the ventilation to Venusville, slowly asphyxiating its citizens. Quaid, Melina, and Benny are taken to a resistance base, and Quaid is introduced to Kuato, a parasitic twin conjoined to his brother’s stomach. Kuato reads Quaid’s mind and tells him that the alien artifact is a turbinium reactor that will create a breathable atmosphere for Mars when activated, eliminating Cohaagen’s abusive monopoly on breathable air. Cohaagen’s forces burst in and kill most of the resistance, including Kuato, who instructs Quaid to start the reactor. Benny reveals that he is also working for Cohaagen.
Quaid and Melina are taken to Cohaagen, who reveals the Quaid persona was a ploy by Hauser to infiltrate the mutants and lead Cohaagen to Kuato, thereby wiping out the resistance. Cohaagen orders Hauser’s memory to be re-implanted in Quaid and Melina programmed as Hauser’s obedient wife, but Quaid and Melina escape into the mines where the reactor is located. They work their way to the control room of the reactor, and Benny attacks them in an excavation machine. Quaid kills Benny, then confronts Richter and his men, killing them too.
Quaid reaches the reactor control room, where Cohaagen is waiting with a bomb. During the ensuing struggle, Cohaagen triggers the bomb, but Quaid throws it away, blowing out one of the walls of the control room and causing an explosive decompression. While reaching for the reactor controls, Quaid knocks out Cohaagen, which causes him to be sucked out onto the Martian surface, killing him. Quaid manages to activate the reactor before he and Melina are also pulled out. The reactor releases air into the Martian atmosphere, saving Quaid, Melina and the rest of Mars’ population. As humans walk onto the surface of the planet in its new atmosphere, Quaid momentarily pauses to wonder whether he is dreaming before turning to kiss Melina.
Good Si-Fi story. The special effects are, as expected, a little dated now but was state of the art for the 90’s. Story moves at a great pace and Arnie is at his usual best with great one liners “consider this a divorce” to Sharon Stone as his evil wife. I prefer this version to the re-boot in 2012.

REVIEW: THE 6TH DAY

CAST

Arnold Schwarzenegger (End of Days)
Michael Rapaport (My Name Is Earl)
Tony Goldwyn (Kiss The Girls)
Sarah Wynter (Lost Souls)
Wendy Crewson (The Good Son)
Rodney Rowland (Veronica Mars)
Terry Crews (White Chicks)
Colin Cunninhgam (Elektra0
Robert Duvall (The Judge)
Michael Rooker (Guardians of The Galaxy)
Steve Bacic (Andromeda)
Ellie Harvie (The New Addams Family)
Don S. Davis (Stargate SG.1)
Hiro Kanagawa (Heroes Reborn)
Ben Bass (Bride of Chcuky)
Colin Lawrence (Watchmen)
Mark Gibbon (Man of Steel)
Peter Kent (Total Recall)
Gerard Plunkett (Sucker Punch)

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In the near future, the cloning of animals and human organs has become routine. Cloning entire humans, however, is prohibited by what are known as “Sixth Day” laws. Billionaire Michael Drucker, owner of cloning corporation Replacement Technologies, hires charter pilot Adam Gibson and partner Hank Morgan for a ski trip. Due to Drucker’s prominence, the two must first undergo blood and eye tests to verify their aptitude. On the day of Drucker’s arrival, Adam finds that his family dog Oliver has died, and Hank offers to fly Drucker instead to allow Adam time to have the pet cloned. After visiting a “RePet” shop, he remains unconvinced.
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Adam returns home and discovers that not only has Oliver already been cloned, but a purported clone of himself is with his family. Replacement Technologies security agents Marshall, Talia, Vincent and Wiley arrive with the intention on killing Adam. Adam escapes and this chase results in the deaths of Talia and Wiley. Both are later cloned. Adam seeks refuge at Hank’s apartment after the police betray him to the agents. A while later, Tripp (whom Adam recognizes from the ski trip) kills Hank and is mortally injured by Adam. Revealed as a religious anti-cloning extremist, Tripp informs Adam that Hank was a clone, since he killed the original one on the mountaintop earlier that day, to be able to kill Drucker, who was also a clone, and there’s now a new Drucker clone. Tripp then commits suicide to avoid being captured by Marshall and the others. The agents arrive again and Adam is able to kill Talia again, and steals her thumb. Adam sneaks into Replacement Technologies with Talia’s thumb and finds Dr. Griffin Weir, the scientist behind Drucker’s illegal human-cloning technology. Weir confirms Tripp’s story, adding that to resurrect Drucker the incident had to be covered up and Adam was cloned because they mistakenly believed he had been killed. Weir explains that Drucker – who already died years before – could lose all his assets if the revelation became public, since clones are devoid of all rights. Sympathetic with Adam’s plight, Weir gives him a memory disk (syncording) of the Drucker clone but warns him that Drucker may go after the other Adam and his family. Weir also discovers that Drucker has been engineering cloned humans with fatal diseases as an insurance policy against betrayal. Upon finding out that his own wife was one such victim, Weir confronts Drucker who then shoots him dead while promising to clone both him and his wife.
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Drucker’s agents abduct the Gibson family and Adam comes face to face with his clone. After punching the clone for sleeping with his wife, Adam teams up with his doppelgänger and the two devise a plan to destroy Drucker’s facility. While Adam wrecks the security system and gets himself captured, the clone sneaks in, plants a bomb and rescues his family. Drucker tells Adam that he himself is the clone; the other Adam is the original one. Enraged, Adam fights off Drucker’s agents and Drucker is mortally wounded. Drucker manages to clone himself before he dies but the malfunctioning equipment causes the new Drucker to be incomplete. As the cloned Adam fights his way to the rooftop, he is rescued via helicopter by the real one. Meanwhile, the new Drucker falls to his death and the facility explodes.
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Now having a more moderate view of cloning, the real Adam arranges for his clone to move to Argentina to start a satellite office of their charter business. The clone’s existence is kept a secret, especially upon discovering that his DNA has no embedded illnesses, giving him a chance at a full life. As a parting gift to the Gibson family, the clone gives them Hank’s RePet cat, Sadie. The real Adam gives the clone a flying send-off.

75785aa8a4d7471c917c7abed895f35a_compressedThe film is fast paced, while raising interesting questions about the morals of cloning. Arnies acting is as wooden as ever, but he has such screen presence this can as ever be forgiven. The special effects are good and make for a believable future.

REVIEW: CONAN THE DESTROYER

CAST

Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Terminator)
Grace Jones (Vamp)
Wilt Chamberlain (Any Given Sunday)
Mako (Memoirs ofa Geisha)
Tarcey Walter (Batman)
Sarah Douglas (Superman 1 & 2)
Olvia D’Abo (Point of No Return)
Pat Roach (Raiders of The Lost Ark)
Jeff Corey (True Grit)
Sven-Ole Thorsen (Mallrats)
Andre The Giant (The Princess Bride)

Conan (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and his companion, the thief Malak (Tracey Walter), are confronted by Queen Taramis (Sarah Douglas) of Shadizar. She tests their combat ability with several of her guards. Satisfied, she tells Conan that she has a quest for him. He refuses her, but when she promises to resurrect his lost love, Valeria, Conan agrees to the quest. He is to escort the Queen’s niece, Jehnna (Olivia d’Abo), an innocent who is destined to restore the jeweled horn of the dreaming god Dagoth; a magic gem must first be retrieved that will locate the horn. Conan and Malak are joined by Bombaata (Wilt Chamberlain), the eunuch captain of Taramis’s guard. Bombaata has secret orders to kill Conan once the gem is obtained.

Because the gem is secured in the fortress of a powerful wizard, Conan seeks the help of his friend, Akiro (Mako), the Wizard of the Mounds. Akiro has been captured by a tribe of cannibals, and must first be rescued. Afterward, the adventurers encounter Zula (Grace Jones), a powerful bandit warrior being tortured by vengeful villagers. Freeing Zula at Jehnna’s request, Conan accepts the indebted warrior’s offer to join their quest.274b0-conan-the-destroyer_1984-1-1920x1080_scrollerThe adventurers travel to the castle of Toth-Amon (Pat Roach) where the gem is located. As they camp for the night, the wizard takes the form of a giant bird and kidnaps Jehnna. The others wake in time to see the bird enter the castle. Sneaking in through a water gate, they search the castle, but Conan is separated from the group and the others are forced to watch him battle a fierce man-beast. Conan mortally wounds the creature, which is revealed as another form of Toth-Amon. With the wizard’s death, the castle begins to disintegrate, forcing the group’s hasty retreat. They are ambushed by Taramis’s guards, but drive them off. Bombaata feigns ignorance about the attack. The gem reveals the location of the jeweled horn. Jehnna expresses romantic interest in Conan, but he rebuffs her and declares his devotion to Valeria.
They reach an ancient temple where the horn is secured. Jehnna obtains it while Akiro deciphers engravings. He learns that Jehnna will be ritually sacrificed to awaken Dagoth. They are attacked by the priests who guard the horn. A secret exit is revealed, but Bombaata blocks the others’ escape and seizes Jehnna. Despite this treachery, Conan and his allies escape the priests and trek to Shadizar to rescue Jehnna. Malak shows them a secret route to the throne room. Conan confronts Bombaata and kills him in combat. Zula impales the Grand Vizier (Jeff Corey) before he can sacrifice Jehnna. Because Bombaata and the Vizier were “impure sacrifices”, the rising Dagoth (André the Giant) becomes distorted from a beautiful human form into a monstrous entity. Dagoth kills Taramis, then attacks Conan. Zula and Malak join the fight, but are effortlessly swept aside by the entity. Grappling with the monster, Conan tears out Dagoth’s horn, weakening the creature enough to kill him.
Afterward, the newly crowned Queen Jehnna offers each of her companions a place in her new court: Zula will be the new captain of the guard, Akiro the queen’s advisor, and Malak the court jester. Jehnna offers Conan marriage and the opportunity to rule the kingdom with her, but he declines and departs to find further adventures and his own place in the world.Excellent picture on blu ray very very good if your a fan of arnie then buy it anyway you wont be disappointed with this blu ray!

 

REVIEW: CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982)

 

CAST

Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Terminator)
James Earl Jones (Star Wars)
Max Von Sydow (Game of Thrones)
Sandahl Bergman (Red Sonja)
Ben Davidson (Behind The Green Door)
Cassandra Gava (The Amityville Curse)
Gerry Lopez (Big Wednesday)
Mako (Memoirs ofa Geisha)
Valérie Quennessen  (Summer Lovers)
William Smith (The Outsiders)
Sven-Ole Thorsen (Mallrats)

Conan the Barbarian is a film about a young barbarian’s quest to avenge his parents’ deaths. The story is set in the fictional Hyborian Age, thousands of years before the rise of modern civilization. The film opens with the title card, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger”, a paraphrasing of Friedrich Nietzsche, followed by a voice-over that establishes the film as the story of Conan’s origin.After watching his father forge a sword, Conan is told of the Riddle of Steel, an aphorism on the importance of the metal to their people, the Cimmerians. Soon after, the Cimmerians are massacred by a band of warriors led by the evil wizard Thulsa Doom with Conan’s father killed by the band’s dogs. After watching his father’s newly forged sword being used by Doom to decapitate Conan’s mother, Conan is taken into slavery where he is chained to a large mill, the “Wheel of Pain”, for years. Having grown into a strong man, Conan is then sold to a new master and trained to be a gladiator. Eventually, after winning many pit fights, Conan is freed. While fleeing from wild dogs, Conan stumbles upon an ancient tomb and takes refuge inside it. Inside the tomb, he finds an Atlantean General’s ceremoniously displayed corpse along with his sword which he takes as his own. As he wanders the world, Conan encounters a young witch, with whom he has sex in exchange for information about Doom. However, she turns into a demon mid-coitus, forcing Conan to drive her off. Conan also befriends the witch’s captive Subotai, a thief and archer who becomes Conan’s companion.
Following the witch’s advice, Conan and Subotai go to Shadizar, in the land of Zamora, to seek out Doom. They meet Valeria, a female brigand. The three burgle the “Tower of Serpents”, a temple of Doom’s snake cult, and steal a large jewel—the Eye of the Serpent—and other valuables; Conan and Subotai also battle and slay a large snake, to which a girl was about to be sacrificed. After escaping with their loot, the thieves celebrate and end up in a drunken stupor. Conan and Valeria fall in love. The city guards capture them and bring them to King Osric. He requests they rescue his daughter, who has joined Doom’s cult. Subotai and Valeria do not want to take up the quest; Conan, motivated by his hatred for Doom, sets off alone to the villain’s Temple of Set.
Disguised as a priest, Conan infiltrates the temple but he is discovered, captured, and tortured. Doom lectures him on the power of flesh, which he demonstrates by compelling a girl to leap to her death. He then orders Conan crucified on the “Tree of Woe”. The barbarian is on the verge of death when he is discovered by Subotai and brought to Akiro, the Wizard of the Mounds and Conan’s future chronicler, who lives on a burial site for warriors and kings. The wizard summons spirits to heal Conan and warns that they will “extract a heavy toll”, which Valeria is willing to pay. These spirits also try to abduct Conan, but he is restored to health after Valeria and Subotai fend them off.
Subotai and Valeria agree to complete Osric’s quest with Conan and they infiltrate the Temple of Set as the cult indulges in a cannibalistic orgy. Though they succeed in getting away with the princess, Valeria is killed by Doom using a stiffened snake as an arrow. After cremating Valeria at the Mounds, Conan prepares with Subotai and Akiro to deal with Doom’s men through booby-traps and exploiting the terrain. During the fight, Valeria reappears for a brief moment as a Valkyrie to save Conan from a mortal blow.Conan recovers his father’s sword during the fight, although its blade is broken. After losing his men, Doom shoots another stiffened snake at the princess. Subotai blocks the shot and the villain flees to his temple.
 Conan sneaks back into the temple where Doom stands at the top of a long stairway, addressing the members of his cult. Conan confronts Doom, who attempts to mesmerize him, but the barbarian resists and uses his father’s sword to behead his nemesis, finally avenging the deaths of Valeria, his family, and his people. After throwing Doom’s head down the stairs, with his disillusioned followers leaving for their homes, Conan burns down the temple and returns the princess to her father before heading westward

The film that kicked started the Barbarian craze of the early 1980’s, often imitated but never equalled. Starring a young Arnold Schwarzenegger in a role which fit him like a glove Conan the Barbarian has it all from sword and sorcery to epic battles and even a reasonably emotional back story, the film is justifiably a true classic of its time.