REVIEW: 7 MUMMIES

 

CAST

Matt Schulze (The Fast and The Furious)
Cerina Vincent (Power Rangers Lost Galaxy)
Billy Wirth (The Lost Boys)
Billy Drago (Children of The Corn: Genesis)
Andrew Bryniarski (Any Given Sunday)
Danny Trejo (Machete)
Martin Kove (Savage)
Noel Gugliemi (Training Day)
Max Perlich (Blow)
Adrianne Palicki (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

We open with two greedy gravediggers who get sliced up by an unseen presence before delving into the 5-minute credits sequence. Then we witness a tipped-over van, out of which fall a collection of slimy convicts and one extra-jiggly female guard. The group promptly decides to wander off into a surprisingly verdant desert wasteland, whereupon they come across a mumbling Danny Trejo. Vulgarities are exchanged, and then the convict crew (and busty broad) wanders off into the desert again, only to arrive at an authentic-style Old West town, complete with booze, whores, and  a bunch of lame-looking zombies who pop out once the sun goes down.

And then it’s just a bunch of aimless meandering and tons of insipid dialogue before the flick winds down with an amusingly inept finale. A movie that wanted to be a From Dusk Till Dawn-style genre stew is, instead, a painfully inert, agressively silly, and absolutely dreary concoction. It’s a dumb story populated by obnoxious characters who do moronic things. Often.

First-time director Nick Quested makes all sorts of embarrassing mistakes: He allows his annoyingly incongruous rock & rap tunes to simply blare over the dialogue, the lighting on the flick is consistently insufficient, and there’s way too many redundant (not to mention pointless) fade-ins, fade-overs, and stutter-step editing gimmicks. And don’t even get me started on the horrific screenplay.

B-movie fanatics will no doubt see a cast list that includes Cerina Vincent, Danny Trejo, Martin Kove, and Billy Drago, and get a few charitable thoughts in their head. Ignore those feelings and simply rent something else. Trust me. Cerina Vincent was the only reason I bought this, being a fan of hers ever since her Lost Galaxy days.

 

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